shit THE POPO IS HERE D:>
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from France

seen from United States
seen from Australia

seen from Germany
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States

seen from Germany

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from Germany
seen from China
shit THE POPO IS HERE D:>

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
oh nitram that sexy beast!
Trollcops vs Judgment Day
Which is the better Homestuck track?
Trollcops
Judgment Day
Trollcops From AlterniaBound By Erik Scheele Propaganda: None submitted
Judgment Day From Homestuck Vol. 8 By Toby Fox Propaganda: None submitted
*takes the longest cigarette drag in the history of paradox space* do you guys remember troll cops?
I have been summoned back from the Hiatus due to the new animated series trailer. I'm skeptically optimistic about it tbh but still, our fandom's gonna be soooooooo back ;:::) Imma be doing some doodles then disappear misteriously again lmaooo Give some love to my trollcop/police detective sollux

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
omfg the quality on the gif is so bad but like its whateverÂ
trollc*ps: retired from the force
Abandoned Trollcops/Problem Sleuth fic
iâm bored so iâm posting this old trollcops concept i wrote a couple years ago
i meant to have it be this big sprawling thing, including all the trolls and the beta kids and team sleuth and the crew, but it was way too big for me, so all i ended up writing was the first three chapters--basically, the intros for sleuth, pickle and ace.Â
i donât plan to return to it. i still canât get my head around the whole thing. but i like what i wrote, and maybe you might like it too? so here u go.
Chapter One
Spending any amount of time with Spades Slick is dangerous at best, you knew that. You also knew that you were making things worse by spending so much time with him, but you were counting on bruises and stab wounds, not this.
The interrogation room is sickeningly bright. The lights make it impossible to know what time it is outside. You know it was close to sunrise when they brought you in, but youâre not sure how long youâve been here. Even the ticking of a clock would be a welcome reprieve from this boredom. You wish theyâd just throw the book at you already.
The door finally opens, creaking a little as it does so. Apparently the Alternia Police Department canât even afford a can of WD-40. Two officers walk in. You recognize them from your various interactions with the police in the past few years--Sergeants Terezi Pyrope and Sollux Captor. Sergeant Pyrope pulls up a chair and sits down at the table across from you, lacing her fingers together. You canât read her expression through her opaque red glasses. Youâve heard that sheâs blind, but she seems to stare right through you.
âProblem Thleuth.â Sergeant Captor reads from your file, standing behind his partner. âThirty-five yearth old. Prothpitian. Failed out of polithe academy at age twenty-four. Ith that right?â
âI wouldnât say failed,â you say, choosing your words carefully. âI jusâ didnât like how yâall--I mean. I wasnât a fan âf the bureaucracy.â
âIs that so,â Terezi says.
You nod.
âSo you dropped out and became a private investigator,â she says. âIs that right?â
âYou know the answer to that,â you say, rubbing your temples. âDonât pretend like weâre strangers.â
The silence that breaks out is painful. You run a hand through your hair, quietly wondering if your hat is okay, wherever theyâve taken it. Why the hell did they take your hat? What sort of monsters would mess with a manâs hat? This sort of shit is why you could never cut it as a cop.
âYouâre charged with being an accessory to arson,â Pyrope tells you.Â
âDo me a favor ân arrest thâ guy who actually did thâ arson-ing,â you mutter.
âThe alleged perpetrator is one Thpades Thlick,â Captor says, reading the file. âDamn, man. Thpades, really?â
âI ainât an accessory tâ nothinâ that asshole does,â you say, slamming a hand on the table. âI was tryinâa stop that goddamn arson!â
âWe have multiple witnethheth who thay they thaw you making out with the thuthpect before the fire broke out,â Captor says.
You wilt under their stares.
âI was tryinâa distract âim,â you say, weakly. âHeâs a dangerous customer, after all. âS the olâ honey pot maneuver, yâknow?â
âIt didnât work,â Pyrope says, grinning her sharp-toothed grin.Â
âN--no,â you admit.
Sergeant Captor hands Pyrope the file, and she makes a show of flipping through it. Itâs a pointless gesture since you know damn well she canât read it. You try to look at whatâs written on the pages, but she pulls the file away so she can give it a good long sniff. You slump over, leaning your arms on the table, thinking about how fucked you are, and what youâre going to do to Slick to get back at him for this. Theyâll put you away for ages for this, you just know it. The APD have never been fans of yours, and youâre sure theyâve been waiting for the opportunity to put you away.Â
You jump when Pyrope snaps the folder shut. She puts it down on the table, sliding it to the edge.
âIâm going to admit,â she says, slowly. âThat, considering your history of making trouble, we took this opportunity to get a warrant to search your office.â
âYou--you what?!â
âWell, the thusthpect is thtill on the looth,â Captor explains, and you wonder if you punch him hard enough if heâll stop with that goddamn lisp. âWe had to check and thee if there were any clueth ath to hith whereaboutth.â
âAnd what did you find, huh?â Youâre raging mad now, and you arenât bothering to hide it. âA whole bunch of jack shit. Or are you going to charge me with possession of a deadly writing implement or something?â
The two of them stare at you for a moment, and then Pyrope pulls a photo from her jacket. She places it in front of you. It shows your evidence wall, a large corkboard youâve set up in your office to collect clues in the murder youâre investigating.
âSo, what? You gonna charge me with murderinâ thâ District Attorney now?â
Pyrope and Captor look at each other, then back at you.
âWeâve been investigating the DAâs death too,â Pyrope says. âBut we havenât turned up a thing.â
âAnd here you are,â Captor adds. âWith evidenthe we never even thought to look for.â
You grin a little. âOh darlinâs, are you jealous?â
âWe know Kingpin was behind it,â Pyrope says, and her voice is uncharacteristically devoid of humor. âLike heâs behind every other high-profile murder in this city. Iâm sick of him making a mockery of this force.â
âStop beinâ such a joke, then.â
 She stands up, slamming her hands on the table. âTake this seriously!â
You raise your eyebrows and wait for her to get to the point.
âWeâre willing to offer you a deal,â she says. âWeâll ignore this latest⊠indiscretion, and youâll help us put Kingpin behind bars.â
You laugh.
You canât believe theyâre actually coming to you for help. How many times have they impeded your investigations? How many times have they told you to buzz off, leave this to the real cops? How many times have they told judges not to accept your evidence, or straight up confiscated your evidence and claimed they found it themselves? And now they want you to help them?
âSorry, sorry,â you say, still chuckling. âI musta misheard. Yâ couldnât possibly be askinâ for my help. I mean, I ainât a cop or nothinâ. I ainât got no authority.â
âDonât be a jackathh,â Captor snaps.
âThis is in your best interest,â Pyrope says. âYou are, after all, still under arrest.â
She does sorta have you, there.
---
You have your hat back when Sergeant Captor takes you outside, to the back of the department. The sun has definitely risen by now, and youâre treated to all the sounds of the city waking up.
âThith whole thing ith completely off the record,â Captor tells you as he closes the door behind him. âHonethtly, I think itâth dumb ath hell, but at leatht if you get into trouble, nobodyâll blame uth.â
âAs long as I donât trail it back to you,â you add.
âObviouthlly,â Captor says. He pulls out his phone and types into it. âBut we need one of ourth with you. Making thure youâre not fucking up too bad.â
âIâd really prefer we skipped that part,â you say, fixing your hair and trying to find just that right angle at which to wear your hat. âI donât need no cops following me everywhere. Itâll slow me down.â
âThink of it like exthtra security,â Captor says, still typing into his phone.
The door opens and a short troll walks over, hands shoved in his pockets. He isnât wearing a uniform, save for a badge he has hanging on a lanyard over a ratty red hoodie. He approaches you and Captor, then squints at you.
âI know you,â he says.
âI get around,â you reply.
âYouâre that drunk fucknut thatâs always making a scene in Crew territory.â
âGuilty as charged. Yâallâre jusâ gettinâ me on evârythinâ tâday!â You nudge Captor. âSorry officer, looks like yâ gotta charge me for another crime.â
Captor groans and rolls his eyes. He slaps the newcomer on the back and mutters, âGood fucking luck,â before heading back inside.
You wait for the door to click shut before you say, brightly as you can manage, âThe nameâs Problem Sleuth. Solicitations for my services are--â
âIâm sorry, do I look like someone who gives a fuck?â
You drop the friendly act. âWhatâs your name, kid?â
âVantas,â He says. âKarkat Vantas. Iâm the undercover guy. I figure I got stuck with this because they figured I could tell the Captain Iâm investigating you.â
ââN Iâm sure sheâll buy it,â you add.
âYeah.â He sniffs, and looks you over in more detail. âI donât think Iâm the only one theyâre gonna hand you. I know for sure they said theyâre putting my partner, Nepeta, on this case too.â
You rub your face. âGreat. Good. More cops, beautiful.â
He asks for your phone, and you exchange numbers. You then tell him to find something else to do with his day, because youâre going home and going the fuck to bed. This investigation can wait until tomorrow.Â
---
Itâs well after 8am by the time you get home, and all you want to do is sleep for ten years. Pickle and Ace will bitch about you not being at the office, but you canât bring yourself to care. Theyâre already going to bitch when they hear about this new arrangement, so whatâs a little more?
Unfortunately when you walk in, you find Spades Slick rummaging through your refrigerator.
You toss your keys onto the table and sit down. He turns around, cold pizza hanging out of his mouth, and slams the fridge door shut behind him.Â
âI figured theyâd have yaâ in thâ slammer a few weeks,â he explains through a mouthful of pizza. âSo yâ wouldnât mind if I ate yer food âfore it went bad.â
âYâ couldnât possibly post bail for me?â
âFuck no. Who do yâ think yâ are, my Crew?â He moves his mug of coffee from the counter to the kitchen table, and then sits down across from you. âSo whoâd yâ call. Thâ stickbug? Did âe hafta give up his booze fund for thâ month?â
âNo, nothinâ like that,â you say, reaching over and taking the coffee. Obviously sleep isnât happening anytime soon, so what the hell. âThey let me off.â
Thereâs a loud clatter as Slickâs chair falls over, and a knife is at your throat. It always amazes you how fast he is. You raise your hands in a conciliatory manner as he snarls at you.
âYou fuckinâ snitched, didnât you?â
âSlick, my most precious of darlinâs,â you say. âI would snitch on you all day, evâry day. But that ainât what happened.â
âBullshit!â The knife presses harder against your neck, and you feel blood beading along the blade. âThâ APD donâ jusâ let people go, âspecially not when they been with me. Thâ fuck did you do?â
âThey hired me.â
He looks at you like you just sprouted a second head. He doesnât move the knife at all.
You go on. âTheyâre investigatinâ Kingpin. They wanted my help.â
He finally pulls the knife away, but he doesnât sit back down. âGreat. Jusâ what I need.â
âYeah, Slick,â you say, sipping the coffee. Youâre not surprised that it tastes like shit. Slick probably isnât used to brewing his own. Thatâs what he has lackeys for. âItâs exactly what you need. You want Kingpin outta thâ way? Jusâ let me ân the cops handle it.â
âKingpinâs mine,â he growls.
ââScuse you.â You put the mug down. ââM sorry, but did you know thâ stiff we found last week? No. Fuck no, yâ didnât, âcause he was thâ law, ân he was my fuckinâ friend, not yours. Kingpinâs mine. He owns this fuckinâ apartment, my fuckinâ office, heâs got me by thâ balls without even tryinâ ân he murdered thâ DA ân noneâf thatâs got anythinâ tâ do with you.â
Slick narrows his eye at you, before pocketing his knife and stealing the mug back. He chugs the coffee down.Â
âFuck you,â he says, slamming the mug back onto the table. âIâll do it my fuckinâ self.â
âRight,â you say as Slick grabs his jacket and makes for the door. âSo I guess Iâll see yaâ tomorrow, then?â
He grunts in response, and slams the door behind him as he leaves.
You know heâll be back. Partly because you know he canât resist making your life miserable--the two of you have been caught up in your fucked up little dance for too long, and heâs not about to give that up--but also partly because you know he canât take down Kingpin on his own. Heâs tried for months to do things his way, to just murder his rival crime boss, but Kingpin is careful, and heâs elusive. In the end, the best way to go about bringing him down is to turn the city against him, to get the law on your side. If you can get an arrest warrant on him you can have the whole of the cityâs resources helping you track him down. You could freeze his assets, plaster his face on every bulletin board in town. Youâll leave him no place to hide.
Youâre going to do it. Your name is Problem Sleuth, and you are going to bring down Mobster Kingpinâs criminal empire.
The APD are definitely going to steal the credit when itâs all said and done, though, and that fact makes you sick to your stomach.
Chapter Two
> Be Pickle Inspector.
You feel as though youâre being punished for Sleuthâs poor life choices.
Nepeta Leijon is a new hire at the APD. She, and her friend Karkat, used to be common criminals. Pickpockets, for the most part, although you remember seeing a few other items on their rap sheet. Youâd encountered them once or twice. Never up close--their crimes were never complicated enough to necessitate your intervention--but theyâd show up sometimes as witnesses.
Uncooperative witnesses.
You were aware of their being hired. Something about the APD seeing them as valuable assets for undercover investigations. You see the logic, but youâve never been a fan of undercover operations. You stand out too much. Youâre too tall, too gaunt, too recognizable. Your preferred method has always been surveillance. You set up cameras and wiretaps all over the city, in all the seedier bars and meeting spaces. Nothing escapes your omniscient ogle.
Nothing except Kingpin. Heâs careful. He doesnât discuss anything important on the phone, least of all the phones in any of his businesses. You canât figure out where he lives or where he holds any of his most secret of meetings. Even if you could, he always has too many guards patrolling his places, making it impossible for you to sneak in and plant anything.
It was infuriating before, but now with the death of the DA itâs got you on the end of your rope. And now they want you to babysit this rookie cop? How the hell are you supposed to get anything done?
You asked Sleuth what he did to invite this upon you, but he wonât tell you. You suspect Slick was involved. Slick is always involved these days.Â
You have a solution to this problem, though. Well, not to the Sleuth-Slick problem, thereâs no solving that, but the Nepeta problem was easy: let her work on transcribing your recordings so the two of you can finish them twice as fast. It leaves you with just enough free time to make tea and doodle in the margins of your notes.Â
Youâre halfway through a wonderful drawing of a horse wearing a bonnet when your phone rings. You have specific ringtones for every person who calls you often enough, and you put your head in your hands when you hear this one. Nepeta notices, and watches you as you sigh and answer the phone.
âIâm busy enough,â you whine into the receiver.
âThatâs a shame,â says the smooth, dark voice of Diamonds Droog. âAnd here I had something I thought youâd be interested in.â
âWhat is it?â you ask.
âMeet me on the corner of 34th and Feldings,â he says.
âD--do I have to?â you say, clicking your pen. âCanât you just, just tell me? On the phone? Like a normal person? I p-promise the lineâs secure.â
â34th and Feldings,â he says again. âNow.â
He hangs up. You put your phone down, put your head on your desk, and groan loudly. Why is this your life? All you wanted to do today was transcribe audio logs and not interact with anybody. You even packed a lunch so you wouldnât have to go out and talk to any fast food workers.Â
Without your realizing it, Nepeta has picked up your phone and unlocked it. You make a mental note to change the passkey and not let her see you input it next time. âDiamonds Dickhead?â She makes an exaggeratedly surprised face, and puts your phone back on the desk. âIs that who I think it is?â
You stand up and fix your tie. âI have to go out.â
âOh! Let me get my coat.â
âNo.â You grab your own coat, put it on, and start buttoning it. You make a deliberate effort to put the buttons in the right holes, and youâre secretly glad you havenât had much to drink yet today. âS--stay here and, and keep transcribing.â
âIâm paws-itively sure thatâs super important,â she says, putting extra emphasis on her pun. Youâve noticed that she likes cat puns. In less infuriating circumstances, youâd think it was cute. âBut Iâm not here to help you so much as to watch you.â
You smooth your hair out and put your hat on. âThatâs a terrible idea. N-no, you should just stay here, and not tell a soul I went out. U--unless I donât come back. Then tell Sleuth. Understood?â
She grins a catlike grin and says, âNope!â
Droog is never going to let you hear the end of this.
---
34th street is where his tailor is, so Diamonds Droog didnât have to go out of his way to meet you. It is also clear on the other side of town relative to your office, so you had to go especially out of your way to meet him.
This is par for the course, and you make an effort not to look exhausted when you get there.
Heâs waiting for you on a street bench outside his tailorâs, smoking one of his expensive cigarettes. You approach him, but donât look at him directly. You stand behind the bench, facing away from him, pretending to read a bulletin board. Nepeta follows along, but she sneaks a few glances at Droog when she thinks you arenât looking.
He breathes out a long puff of smoke before speaking. âIs the detective business so bad that you had to take up babysitting?â
âI n--needed the second job to, to support my tea habit,â you respond.
âThatâs a funny way to say whiskey.â
âOh, no. I steal that all from m-my boss. You see, he has a wealthy patron with a vested interest in, in keeping him too drunk to make good decisions.â You lean back onto the bench, crossing your arms. âIâm s-sure you donât know anything about that.â
âIâm sure I donât. Can she leave?â
âI donât know.â You look down at Nepeta. âC-can you leave?â
âI can, yeah,â she says.
âA--are you going to?â
She shakes her head.
âSorry,â you say to Droog. âItâs a, a long story.â
He pauses and takes another drag from his cigarette. He taps some ash out on the ground, then reaches into his jacket pocket. You have just enough time to hope that he isnât pulling out a weapon with which to kill the witness youâve brought along, before he pulls out a couple of photographs. He passes them to you. They all depict various old-looking artifacts. Youâre pretty sure youâve seen some of these in the museum.
âAll of these have gone missing in the past month,â Droog explains. âObvious signs of a break-in, but no evidence pointing to a culprit.â
âD--do you think Kingpin was involved?â
âAbsolutely.â
You scrutinize the photos further, and notice that all the artifacts share a theme. Every one of them either depicts a horrorterror, or symbols associated with said terrors. âThis, um. It looks like your sort of thing.â
âHardly,â he says. âThe four of us get our magic from the Terrors, but we donât need trinkets like this to channel Their powers. They give it to us freely.â He illustrates this by producing a small purple flame in his hand. âKingpin, though. Heâs Prospitian, like you. He doesnât have the connection to the Terrors that we Dersites have.â
You think about that as you pocket the photos. âDo you think heâs trying to make a pact with the Terrors?â
âPerhaps,â he says, extinguishing the flame. âItâs possible heâs seen what we can do and wants that power for himself. I doubt heâll be successful.â
You wonder whether it would be possible for a Prospitian to make a pact with the dark gods. Youâre almost tempted to let Kingpin try, just to get an answer. Itâs not your best idea. If nothing else, these robberies give you one more thread you can follow in your attempts to get any charge at all to stick to him.
âIâll look into this,â you tell him. âCall me if--if you hear anything.â
âAs usual,â he says, before standing up.
He smooths out his suit, throws his cigarette to the ground and snubs it out with his heel. Without once looking at you, he strolls away. Nepeta waits until heâs out of earshot before she says, âYou know, Mister Detective, you donât act much like a detective.â
âH--howâs that?â
âAll the wiretapping, and purr-tive meetings with shady guys,â she says. âYouâre more like a spy.â
You let out a small laugh. âDonât say that one to the others. Theyâll start coming up with spy names for me.â
âPickle Inspectorâs okay for a spy name,â she says. You start walking, and she follows you. She has to trot a little to match your walking stride. âSpies donât put âspyâ right in the name! Itâs too conspicuous.â
Youâre enjoying this flight of fancy, despite yourself. âIâll need to imagine up some clever gadgets, to uh, to get me out of pinches.â
âAnd youâll need a car,â she says. âA fancy one, that turns into a submeowrine.â
âAnd a, a dangerous love interest,â you add.
âOh? You donât have that already?â She grins up at you. âYou and Diamonds Dickhead had an awful lot of chemistry. You arenât caliginous?â
âWhat?â You shove your hands in your pockets and look towards the street. âNo. Obviously not. Th-th-thatâs just, just gross, ew.â
She giggles, and you donât like the knowing look she gives you. You reach into your jacket, produce a flask, and take a long gulp. It doesnât help your mood any. It just reminds you of the last time Droog caught you drinking in the middle of the day, and had the audacity to call you âpatheticâ, as if lots of people donât drink before noon on a weekday.
Sheâs still giving you that look. Fuck.
âA--anyway, the, the case,â you stutter, trying to get back on the subject of work.
âI know somebody,â she says. âThat might help.â
âWho?â
She shrugs. âOld friend of mine. She knows all sorts of things about old stuff like what got stolen.â
âThat would be, itâd be really useful,â you say.
âIâll call her when she gets off work,â Nepeta says, adjusting her hat. âIn the meantime we can get back to listening to your wiretaps. The part I was on was pretty juicy.â
Youâre relieved sheâs so easily given up the subject of Droog and gotten back to the task at hand. She might, despite your initial misgivings, be useful to have around.
âIâve also started a shipping chart for everyone youâre surveilling,â she adds.
After she explains to you what a shipping chart is, you are simultaneously horrified, and intrigued at the new avenues this gives you when cataloguing and interpreting your data.
Chapter three.
> Be Ace Dick.
Once upon a time, you were a police detective. You like to give Sleuth shit over his lack of occupational experience, but he seems to think that his two weeks of police academy are all he could need. For someone who brags about his charisma, he really doesnât understand the importance of making connections.
You havenât been working on the Kingpin case with Sleuth and Pickles. You think theyâre out of their league. Kingpinâs ruled this city since Sleuth and Pickles were still in grade school, they didnât stand a chance. So while they ran around on their foolâs errand, you were out hitting the pavement, solving more sensible cases and keeping the agency afloat. Sergeant Pyrope was a rookie when you left the force, but she remembers you. Whenever you have a case that requires some APD know-how, you hit her up. Thereâs a little diner next door to the station thatâs popular with the coppers, and thatâs where she meets you to give you the low-down on some two-bit drug dealer who skipped out on a debt.
You buy her a second coffee once sheâs said her piece and youâve finished writing it all down. Then you tuck your notepad back into your coat pocket and say, âSo I heard yâ gave Sleuth a job.â
She shrugs, grinning. âIt should be worth a laugh. He always says he can do better than us, so letâs see it!â
You shake your head. âHere âm always tryinâ to tell him to stay off that case, and youâre just egginâ him on.â
âSo youâre not going to help?â she asks, before taking a sip of coffee.
âHell no,â you say. âI quit the force to get away from that malarkey. You at least payinâ him?â
She laughs. âDo you think heâs going to ask?â
âHe damn well will, because Iâm goinâ to tell him to,â you say, jabbing a finger at her. She canât see the gesture but she usually can tell that youâre doing one. Youâre not sure if she hears the movement or somehow smells it. You donât know how her weird sense of smell works. âWe got rent to pay, missy. If heâs runninâ around chasinâ Kingpin he isnât doing other cases.â
âWeâll have to set up a collection,â she says. âIâll put a little can in the break room. âPay Mister Candy Cornâs rentâ.â
Detective Vriska Serket walks over, whacking your hat off your head as she passes you to sit next to Terezi. âCanât be too much, right? Doesnât he live in a cardboard box?â
âThat sounds right,â Terezi says. âBut in this city thatâs what, 500 bucks a month?â
âDepends on how new the box is, probably,â Vriska responds.
Terezi nods. âEither way, Kingpin owns it so it is absolutely drafty and leaks in the rain.â
âIâm not opposed to makinâ jabs at my dumbass not-boss,â you say as you straighten your hat out. âBut Iâm serious. Youâre payinâ him. And Pickles too, if you got him involved.â
âWe do,â Terezi says. âHeâs got poor Nepeta bored to tears.â
âThatâs a lie,â Vriska says, taking Tereziâs coffee and putting it in front of herself. âShe started writing fanfiction about those counterfeiters on seventieth street. Iâm going to try and convince her to submit it as evidence.â
âWhile that is hilarious, donât. The Captain doesnât need to know about any of this.â Terezi takes her coffee back and chugs down the remainder before Vriska can make another attempt. She coughs.Â
âNow thereâs an idea,â you say. âIf you donât pay up, Iâll go let Captain Peixes know what youâve been up to.â
âWhy Ace,â Terezi says, leaning forward. âAre you threatening me?â
âMight be.â
âMaybe if the Captain finds out sheâll get embarrassed enough to put me on the case,â Vriska says.
âGettinâ tired of solvinâ murders?â you ask.
She throws her arms up in the air. âThe only interesting crimes are the mob ones! All the regular crimes are just dumb shit, thereâs usually a witness or a camera or something, thereâs no challenge!â
âI thought you liked racking up wins,â Terezi said.
âI fucking love racking up wins,â Vriska says. âBut I want ones worth my time. Kingpinâs the biggest baddie there is, I gotta get in on that.â
âMaybe you should let her follow Sleuth instead of that angry kid,â you say to Terezi.
She snickers. âNo, Iâd give her to Tootsie Roll Frankenstein.â
Vriska slaps the table. âYou think youâre kidding around but Iâd love having that guy work for me! Heâll do all the tedious boring shit so I have more time to pound pavement and beat in faces.â
âIâm glad you appreciate Picklesâ special sort of appeal.â You stand up, straightening out your suit. âThanks for the tip, Pyrope. Now please stop takinâ advantage of my teammates.â
She salutes at you, and itâs dripping with irony. âNo, I donât think I will. Youâre welcome to come get taken advantage of, though!â
âFat chance,â you scoff, getting out your wallet. You pull out a few bills, enough to pay for your coffee and Tereziâs, and drop them on the table. âTake care of yourselves, ladies.â
âTell Sleuth if he gets evicted I just got a washing machine and he might fit in the box if he gets on all fours!â Vriska calls as you leave the diner. You hear the two girls snickering behind you.
They laugh, but you know the APDâs pay is shit. You do much better for yourself working as a private dick. The lack of benefits are a kick in the nuts, but at least you donât have to deal with all the paperwork and politics, and every now and then you got a client who paid you a ridiculous sum for some dumbass thing. Sleuth could do as well as you. Heâs certainly got the sleuthing skills for it. He just keeps wasting his time worrying too much about justice and too little about the real world.
You figure heâll learn eventually. Kids like him always do.




