#tredfor

Jessa

Faith and Morality

     In line with the discussions in the previous theology subjects, faith and morality is subjective, depending on one’s upbringing, religious background, and cultural traditions. Some people may be brought up as religious Catholics but still behave as though there were no God. Some, on the other hand, identify as atheists or agnostics but seem to be more morally upright than the self-proclaimed believer.

     However, faith in the Christian context, is the belief that there is one true God who is the source of all that is good. With this comes morality, wherein God is the center of value. A believer sees God as the ultimate being. In His likeness, we were created and so we strive to become like Jesus more and more everyday. Our understanding of the divine has been imparted to us through the Scripture. For this, we should be grateful because we were given an avenue to know about our Creator.

Kingdom of God

      Being a part of God’s Kingdom means being one of His disciples. This involves striving to become like Jesus in many ways, in words and in deeds. We must learn to love like how He does. This is God’s greatest commandment—to love the Lord with all our hearts, with all our minds, and with all our strengths; and to love our fellow men as we love ourselves. It is evident that being God’s follower revolves around learning the concept and the practice of unconditional love.

     Through God’s parables, He conveys the ideas He wants us to remember. One of the most famous parables is the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Unconditional love is shown in the parable because the love mentioned is between two people who are supposed to treat each other like foes because of social norm. It is easy to love someone lovable, but if the person concerned is an enemy, it is challenging. God wants us to overcome this and make our love even greater than ever.

Necessity of Marriage Preparation

     There is no doubt that preparation for marriage is an important factor for a marriage to thrive and last forever.  Careful thought must be put into this crucial decision and it is not something that can be done overnight. One must be certain of his/her readiness before committing into this sacred covenant. Evaluation of oneself is necessary to make sure of this.

      The three areas of focus for assessment of readiness for marriage are Authentic Love, Human Maturity, and Value Clarification. Before thinking of who your ideal partner in life is, you should first make yourself an ideal life partner. Preparation starts with knowing what a good spouse should be and constantly trying to achieve the “marriagable” person or someone worth marrying. The purpose for wanting to marry someone must also be assessed. Being co-dependent is not a good reason for marrying someone. You should first be your own person, mature enough to be alone or independent before giving yourself to someone. Authentic love for someone must be present before making the promise of “til death do us part” because the feeling of love may fade, but a relationship requires effort to keep the excitement alive. This is feasible only when you have authentic love for one another.

      Also, educative counseling is necessary to prepare a couple for marriage. There should not be any stigma when a couple goes to counseling. This is in fact a sign that both of them wants to make the relationship last. Pre-marital counselling will help the couple engage into activities, discussions, and conversations that they do not usually get into. This is important because issues concerning the relationship will eventually come up and it’s better to deal with them together in an environment conducive for this.

Eriksonian Framework

      The Eriksonian Framework enumerates the different life stages of an average human being. We undergo psychosocial development and each stage equate to different crises, sexual stages, modalities, significant relations, interpersonal and social interactions, elements of social order, and ascendancy of virtues. The stages are divided into eight—infancy, early childhood, play age, school age, adolescence, young adult, adulthood, and mature age.

      The first stage, infancy (until age 2) is where the struggle of trust vs. mistrust starts. During early childhood (Age 2-3), the child learns to be autonomous or feels shame if this is not achieved. The play age (Age 3-5) is when struggles with a sense of purpose; it is a matter of initiative vs. guilt. For the school age (Age 6-12), the child deals with industry vs. inferiority. The adolescence stage (Age 12-18) is when the person handles finding their identity or having identity diffusion. Young adult stage (Age 19-35) is where one struggles with intimacy or isolation. Generativity vs. absorption is dealt with during adulthood (Age 35-65). Lastly, mature age (Age 65 to death) involves the sense of integrity vs. despair.

     The relatively best time to marry is during the Young adult stage since this is where ascendancy of the virtue of love is achieved. There must first be self-evaluation of oneself if the stages have been completed. If you have become stuck and unable to ascend on one virtue, development of oneself must first be achieved before engaging into something as serious as marriage.

Maturity for Marriage

      As a holy sacrament, marriage must only be entered into when one is emotionally mature—as a part of the self-assessment on readiness to settle down. Maturity for Marriage is determined through seven levels of maturity, namely, the dependence-independence goals, the give-get balance, troublesome feelings, sexual responsibility, hostility, rose-tinted glasses, and lastly, flexibility and adaptability. Maturity does not merely mean the ability to show these attitudes, but also to enjoy them.

     Dependence-independence goals manifests in a person’s capability to live on his own, not having to rely on parents or people who used to provide everything. The give-get balance is when one increasingly deems giving as fulfilling or even more fulfilling than receiving. Troublesome feelings involves being able to set aside feelings of inferiority or insecurity towards other, and instead, using one’s imperfections as room to grow and improve as a person. Sexual Responsibility is realizing that sexual actions come with consequences, and the readiness to accept them. Hostility is sometimes inevitable, but being mature is learning to divert the destructive effects into constructive ones. Rose-tinted glasses must be removed in order for a person to mature. Reality must be seen as how it really is rather than how one wants it to be. Lastly, being flexible and adaptable entails a person’s capacity to break the cycle if necessary. For example, not repeating their parents’ mistakes to their children.

Sensuality, Sexuality, and Spirituality

       Every person is different and distinct in his own way. There can be no way for a person to be exactly identical with another. This should be embraced rather than despised. Even when it comes to gender, there really are differences and we cannot achieve full equality. We must only be aware of the strengths and weaknesses of each kind of person, and utilize this for the common good. A human person has three aspects of his inner being—sensuality, sexuality, and spirituality.

      Sensuality encompasses a person's ability to perceive the world through his five senses, namely, sense of touch, smell, taste, sight, and hearing. Our experience of the world is gained through these. We also impart our contribution to the world and other people through these senses.

     On the other hand, sexuality is a person's desire for another person. We find satisfaction not in being solitary but in having someone to share life with. The act of sex should be a result of a couple's overflowing love for each other, not merely a form of enjoyment or leisure. It is a gift from God to mankind to procreate and enjoy, given that it is done in the right context.

     Lastly, spirituality is a person's want for something beyond material. We are more than just our earthly bodies. Our physical bodies are only embodiments of who we really are as a person. Man will always feel as though there is something missing—a void in his life. No amount of companionship, pleasures, and treasures in the world will suffice. Only the divine will fill this void. In God, a person will find that his being and purpose is complete.

Kathleen

Faith and Morality

       God is the center of value and the fixed point of reference of Christian morality because the root of all His actions is the divine nature—love. His goodness is also presented in the Bible. Christians are moral because God is good, and the goodness of God enables and requires us to be responsible for the goodness of the world. Since we believe that God is the center of value, it gives Christians a reason to be moral. On another note, morality does not solely depend on faith.

Kingdom of God

      Being believers and followers of Christ makes us Christians. When we come before God, we have to approach Him as we would approach a King. The King has a big responsibility. He is the savior and provider of His subjects. Letting God reign in our lives does not mean we blindly surrender our lives to Him. The story traces back its roots to the story of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis. They were banished from the Garden of Eden when they disobeyed God from eating the forbidden fruit. The Kingdom of God is described in the sayings and parables of Jesus particularly in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. This parable practically describes the ideal life and mission of Christians, to love our neighbors unconditionally and to step out of comfort zone to help those in need.

Necessity of Marriage Preparation

      The marriage preparation involves two phases: the assessment of the readiness for marriage and educative counseling. The first phase refers to the process of determining the readiness or non-readiness, and the compatibility or the non-compatibility by discovering the insights concerning the relationship of the engaged couple. At the end of this phase, the couple will be able to confirm or postpone their marriage plans or have their temporary or final break up from their relationship. Tools for this phase are: Marriage Expectation Inventory, Interpersonal Comparison Test, Am I Inlove Test, and the Genogram. For the second phase, the areas of focus are: self-worth and self-esteem, mutual affirmation, creative communication, sexuality, man-woman roles, responsible parenthood, marriage as a social sacrament, and couple and family spirituality.

Eriksonian Framework

       The Eriksonian Framework is divided into 8 stages of psychosocial development. This framework suggests the appropriate age range to for marriage. Each stage has a corresponding crisis. First is the infancy (until age 2) wherein the baby looks towards their primary caregiver for consistency and stability of care. Once these are fulfilled, the infant develops trust which will carry them to next relationships. Next is the early adulthood (age 2-3). In this stage, the child begins to assert independence by trying to walk alone or choosing what to eat. The third level is the play age (3-5) when parents see their children as aggressive since this is the time when children explore their interpersonal skills by developing a sense of initiative. The fourth stage is the school age (age 5-12) when children begin to read, write, and do things on their own. Next is the adolescence stage (age 12-18) where in adolescents try to search of sense of self and personal identity. This is also usually when they indecisive and they prefer “testing the water”. The sixth stage is the young adulthood (age 19-35) which is the ideal age range for marriage. During this stage, we explore on relationships and sharing ourselves intimately with others. Next is the adulthood (35-65). This is when we have built our families, establish our careers, and give back to society. The last stage is the mature age (> 65) wherein productivity slows down, retirement takes place, and contemplation on the life that we lived occurs.

Maturity for Marriage

        Since marriage requires more emotional maturity than any other type of relationship, there are 7 levels of maturity. This was created so that one can check the progress of his maturing. The first level of maturity is the dependence-independence goals. Maturity in this level is measured based on the level of independence of a person from his/her parents or from someone who used to provide him everything. The next level of maturity is the the give-get balance, wherein there is more maturity when a person starts to give more than expecting to receive something in return. This is also when a person values personal growth than financial return in securing a job. The third level of maturity is the troublesome feelings wherein one does not think of himself too highly or lowly and avoids comparing oneself to others. Next is the sexual responsibility which involves accepting the responsibility for one’s own sexual life and possible children. The fifth level of maturity is hostility. In this level, unresolved emotional problems in the past are used into constructive and productive channels instead of using these for the destruction of oneself. Next is the rose-tinted glasses level wherein one accepts to face reality and stops looking at everything in term of his own feelings. Lastly, the flexible and adaptable level wherein life repeating reactions are done only on appropriate instances. For example, the treatment one received from his parents should only be used only when it is appropriate for the situation.

Sensuality, Sexuality, and Spirituality

Kathleen

      The pre-cana seminar that we attended made me realize that before I get married, I should be prepared physically, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly financially. I learned that getting married is a decision that I should think about deliberately. I also realized that being married is not just a one-time commitment or simply the vows that we say on the wedding day, but it is a permanent commitment that I should try to fulfill everyday. I used to think that marriage is simply living together with someone and building a family. I realized that I was wrong all this time because the most important function of marriage is to nurture each other.

      I realized that preparation for marriage is necessary. I am not talking about the wedding or honeymoon plans, but the life after marriage itself. I now value the importance of the pre-cana seminar. It emphasizes that love is a decision not a feeling. The seminar is held to assess if the couples are compatible and decided in wanting to get married. As said in the narrative, the Marriage Expectation Inventory was taken by all the couples. Now I see the importance of this inventory. It aims to let them compromise and talk about their similarities and differences. The contents of the inventory contain topics which are rarely talked about by couples and now I see why this is required in pre-cana seminars.

      Another lesson I learned during the pre-cana seminar is the importance of right communication. It was evident that the facilitators have mastered this. They shared how the “I language” can make a big difference in a conversation. It made me reflect on my personality and it made me assess my communication skills.I admit that I am not good in expressing my feelings to my partner and I always let my feelings accumulate and wait for it to burst before I tell what the problem is. I also know that this attitude of mine can make a relationship an unhealthy one. Hopefully through the seminar, I will change for the better because I would not want my partner to do the same to me. Personally,  I think communication is a vital component of relationships because it can either make or break it. It is always good to know my partner’s thoughts and feelings too.

Jessa

      Growing up, I always thought that love and excitement in a relationship will inevitably fade, especially after marriage. I thought that while the commitment was permanent, the emotion was temporary. I had all sorts of misconceptions about love. However, I was proven wrong when I witnessed the love of Rene and Lily Perez, the facilitators of the pre-cana Seminar we attended in Manila Cathedral. They were married for almost 40 years, with children who already had their own families but all throughout the session, they talked about each other as if they were a couple who are still in the honeymoon stage.

       I also reflected on the five stages of love in marriage which are the dreamworld phase, period of disillusionment, period of misery, period of adjustment, and maturity stage. The discussion made me aware of the eventual stages of a married couple’s relationship and how to avoid the point of breakup. It was made clear from the interview and seminar that challenges will come. The couple reminded everyone that what you will hold on to is the good memories you have together. They emphasized that as early as now, they should make as much memories as they can.

      Even with their disagreements, the couple discussed how their love would always prevail and this is how a matured relationships should be. Even just hearing their theme song would make them reconcile and talk to each other until they are okay again. Communication is also one of the most important elements of marriage, among other elements. The seminar confirmed my belief that without this, a relationship will never move to greater heights. It will remain stagnant until the breaking point will be reached.

Details

When: July 22, 2017

What: Pre-Cana Seminar

Where: Manila Cathedral

Who: Renato Perez, Lilian Perez

Introduction

      The facilitators, Rene and Lily, has been a married couple for more than 30 years. Their children have all grown up and started living separate lives with their spouses. The couple’s experiences were probably the main source of their knowledge on dealing with the married life. Before formally starting the Pre-cana Seminar, each couple were first interviewed about their background so as to build familiarity between the facilitators and the couples. There were more or less 10 couples in the seminar. It started off with an illustration of a conversation of a couple before marriage and after marriage. They sounded excited, in love, sweet, and happy before getting married. After reading this, the facilitators asked all of the participants to read the said conversation from bottom to top. Now, their dialogue has lost all the excitement, love, sweetness, and happiness. This is the expected conversation of a couple after marriage if they do not have a strong foundation. This is the kind of conversation they wish to avoid in the future through discussions in the pre-cana seminar.

3 Kinds of Love—Eros, Philia, & Agape

     Eros is a love based on emotions and sexual attraction. It is usually the type of love felt on the beginning of the relationship. It focuses more on self-satisfaction than on the other person. It looks on the outward appearance rather than what is inside.

     Philia is concerned with deep friendship which entails appreciation and longing for one another. It is when you value each other's’ companionship. An example of this would be the relationship between two soldiers, brothers, cousins, or best friends.

     Agape is a committed and selfless love. It is the love extended for all people: family, friends, spouse, or even strangers. In other words, agape is an unconditional love which encompasses the imperfections of the person. It is about giving your all and expecting to receive nothing in return.

    The speaker explained how having only eros and philia will not be enough to make marriage work. It requires agape or unconditional love to make something last, but of course, eros and philia will also come with completely in love with your other half.

Stages of Love in Marriage

Dream world phase

     It is the stage of love when “love is blind” and everything is in rose-tinted glasses. This is where intense attraction to one another takes place and putting the best food forward in the courtship stage. It can last for any period of time, depending on the couple. This phase is also called the “honeymoon stage”.

Period of disillusionment

     This stage takes place when couples actually start to live together and begin to see each other everyday with no pretense or artificiality. Small things pile up and become irritants which could erode the relationship. The rose-tinted glasses starts to disappear.

Period of misery

     This stage results from the piling up of irritations and this is usually the breaking point of a couple’s relationship. This is the make or break stage. To prevent this, couples must affirm each other and hold on to good memories, which will be one of the foundations of their relationship.

Period of adjustment

     After the period of misery, this is when the union becomes stronger and deeper. The relationship moves to new heights, even higher than the previous one. They will realize that their love is greater than each other’s imperfections and greater than any challenging circumstance they may face together.

Realistic / matured stage

     In this stage, the love between the couples will overshoot what it was before. Their love can die only when the persons concerned give up on the other. Nothing the other person does can kill the love if one remains firm in his decision to continue loving. Loving each other will come with a lot of compromise. This is when both are willing to exert more effort when the other is not doing so.

     Both Mr. and Mrs. Perez, the facilitators, discussed these stages while using their own experiences as examples. They effectively imparted what a healthy married life must be, which is good for the participant couples to see even before getting married.

Elements of Love

Care and concern for the welfare of the beloved

Respect for the viewpoints and feelings of the other

Responsibility

Knowledge of oneself as well as the other

Empathy

Affection

Goodwill and trust

Forgiveness

Communication and sharing

Friendship

Humility

Sacrifice

Patience

      The speakers enumerated and explained each of the elements listed above briefly while encouraging active participation from the couples on what their take is on each one.

Marriage Expectations Inventory

Jessa

       There is usually not much reason for me to think about what it will be like when I have settled down. Although I know that preparation for marriage is crucial, I think of it as a concern of the future me. However, having the interview with Mr. and Mrs. Marcelo made me reflect on probable happenings in the future. Being in a relationship before actually getting married is very much different from being a married couple. Getting to know each other does not stop when you finally settle down—it even starts by then when you live with each other and have each other around all the time. While Mr. and Mrs. Marcelo were answering the interview questions we gave them, they reminisced each other’s discoveries on their personalities, favorites, and habits. It made me excited to imagine having someone like this in my life someday.

      I also heard how marriage is not always a bed of roses. Challenges will arise—financially, emotionally, and spiritually. They struggled with adjusting to independent living because of the financial concerns, especially when they had to send their children to school. They wanted the best for them and the tuition was not an easy thing to finance. Parenting was also a major challenge. I realized that it may seem like a natural thing, seeing how my parents deal with me and my brother, but behind it is serious discussions between my mother and father. Mr. and Mrs. Marcelo had to strategize their approach on each of their children. I could see that it was never easy, but it was always worth it for both of them.

      Before the interview, I always wondered how I would know if my partner is already the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I realized that this should not be something I stress about right now. As the couple said, never rush into things because marriage is a sacred commitment. It involves a lot of effort and compromise. There will be ups and downs and one must be ready. What I should be dealing with right now is preparing myself to be a person worth marrying. I saw how Mr. Marcelo talked about knowing for sure that Mrs. Marcelo was “the one” when he got to know her. He had already met the right girl, he has prepared himself, and it was at the right time. I pray that someday, I would be as certain as he was with Mrs. Marcelo.

Kathleen

      Our interview with Mr. and Mrs. Marcelo made me realize that the married life is not as easy as I thought it was. It entails a huge responsibility not just to my future spouse, but also to my future children. Having a family is not just financially challenging, but it is also challenging when it comes to parenting. I know that this is true because every parent has a different style in dealing with their children and in making sure that they are disciplined. Both of them are lenient when their children go out with their friends, but they make sure that they know where they are and what time they will go home by texting them. When I become a parent, I want to be just like them. I want my children to grow being honest, responsible, and independent. Personally, I grew up with strict parents and it did not turn out well. I always ended up lying and making up stories just for them to let me go out with my friends. I was also not allowed to commute which made me feel that I was too sheltered. I would want my future children to learn how to do these things on their own.

     The interview also made me realize how lovely it is to have a partner for the rest of my life. The beauty of having someone who will go under the same struggles and experiences with me is something that I want in life. Although the fear of being alone should not be the main reason to get married, it cannot be denied that companionship is one of the benefits of marriage. This is not true for everyone but for me, finding my future spouse is the same as finding my other half. It is about sharing my life with someone. I also learned that relationships are built on teamwork and not just fixed at a 50:50 effort exerted by each. It can even go as 40:60 or as far as 90:10. It is all about the love that we give and not the love that we receive.

Details of the Interview:

 Mr. Melquiades Marcelo & Mrs. Ludovina Marcelo

     2.   4 children (all girls)

     3.   25 years married

Questions & Answers:

1. Explain the details of how you met each other.

       Mr. Marcelo was the one who explained most of the details. He seemed to remember every single detail as if their first meeting happened recently.

       They were set-up on a date by Mr. Marcelo’s cousin who happens to be a co-teacher of Mrs. Marcelo in Miriam College. They went on a date on a Friday night in Shakey’s since Mrs. Marcelo is admittedly a pizza lover. They talked about everything under the sun and watched a horror movie afterwards. Mrs. Marcelo later on discovered that her husband is not actually fond of going to the cinemas. He even slept during the movie but that date was the start of something beautiful.

2. What influenced your decision to get married?

       According to Mr. Marcelo, he had enough of his single life and what came with it, like going out with friends, casual dating, and other stuff. He wanted something more serious, something that would be permanent in his life, something that is worth investing his time on. He was ready to settle down. They were in a relationship together for only 1 year before they tied the knot. Also, age is one of the factors why they decided to get married. They were getting older and Mrs. Marcelo’s mother already wanted a grandchild.

3. What are the blessings of the married life?

       They consider their children as the biggest blessing of their married life. They also mentioned that they do not use contraceptives because both of them are conservative Catholics, especially when it comes to matters involving relationships and family. Their four girls were the best product of their marriage but they also claimed that it was great to have someone to lean on in times of need and someone to come home to everyday.

4. What are the challenges of the married life?

Financial

       One came after the other, their expenses accumulated rapidly. All of their children went to the same high school which has expensive tuition fees. All the more now that almost all of them are in college, studying in different universities.

Parenting

       Each of their children has a different personality. The parenting style for one child is not the same for another. Times are also changing—the parenting method their parents used on them is no longer applicable to the generation of their children. They had to discover the most suitable ways of dealing with each of their girls. This entailed committing mistakes but they say that it was all worthwhile because of the intrinsic rewards parenthood had to offer.

       The safety of their children is also one of their primary concerns especially that they are all already grown-ups living their lives the way they want to live. Before college, their children also studied in the same school where Mrs. Marcelo worked. It was convenient for them because they go and leave school together. She could watch over them in school and be there whenever they need anything, especially if health was concerned. Now that almost all of them are in college and studying in different universities, they usually go home late and she can’t watch over them as she did before. This caused anxiety for both parents but they are coping with this fact smoothly since they have each other.

       Another struggle for them was raising their children to become good Catholics. Amidst the changing times, it is becoming more challenging to influence children to follow religious practices. However, they were also successful in this aspect. One of the ways they handled this struggle is sending their children to a Catholic school.

5. What advice can you give to couples who want to get married?

Mrs. Marcelo - It is not easy as they think. Do not rush into things. Marriage is sacred. It has its ups and downs and each of you has to make an effort to make it work.