Jul 17, 2024
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The (N+1) Little Pigs
Where N is a comically large number.
From: Fairy Tales To Tell Other People's Children To Get Out Of Being Asked to Babysit In the Future: An Anthology
Once Upon A Time, there were (N+1) little pigs, who lived in a house with their mother. One day, their mother kicked them out to seek their fortunes in the world, because they were unemployed losers who turned their rooms into pigsties.
The First Little Pig saw a farmer selling bales of straw. "Aha!" he thought, "That looks like the perfect material to build a house for the minimum amount of effort!" He told his brothers this. They all looked at him like he was an idiot.
"A straw house is easy to build, but it's also easy to tear down!" said the Third Little Pig. "What if a wolf comes?" He started to show his brother studies about the maximum wind loads of straw houses, but the First Little Pig wasn't listening.
"Wolves are a hoax," said the First Little Pig. He bought the straw anyway, and built a rather ramshackle house.
The Second Little Pig laughed at the first little pig's foolishness, but when he saw a woodcutter selling sticks, he thought: "I want a big house, but I don't want to waste too much time building it. These will be perfect."
The Third Little Pig saw a bricklayer selling bricks, and thought: "These will make the strongest house possible. I'd like to see a wolf break into this!"
Soon, the Big Bad Wolf came along. He saw the houses the pigs had built, and he came up with a plan. He knocked on the door of the First Little Pig's straw house.
"Good Morning," he said to the First Little Pig. "Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior -"
"Go away, I'm playing Minecraft!" shouted the First Little Pig, and slammed the door in the Big Bad Wolf's face. So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan.
"Hi, I'm installing Rooftop Solar, do you have a moment to talk about -"
"Go away."
So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan.
"We've been trying to reach you concerning your car's extended warranty -"
"Die in a fire, Big Bad Bitch."
So the Big Bad Wolf thought of a better plan. He knocked on the door one more time.
"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
The Big Bad Wolf peered in the window, and decided the hair on the pig's chinny chin chin wasn't much of a threat. It was kind of unimpressive actually. A neckbeard, even.
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"
Then the Big Bad Wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the straw house to pieces, and that was the end of the First Little Pig.
He moved on to the Second Little Pig's house, and repeated the process, only without the several ineffective scams. He went straight to the threats and demands, which is an admirable quality in a villain.
"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"
Then the Big Bad Wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the stick house to splinters, and that was the end of the Second Little Pig.
The Third Little Pig watched his brothers' demise from his brick house, and made a smug FaceBook post about inferior construction methods. When he heard a knock on his door, he said without even waiting for the wolf to speak: "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
"Uhh, this is your neighbor Bob. I just wanted to check in and see if you're okay, I saw on NextDoor there were two houses blown in by a wolf, and my neighbor Dale said both the victims were pigs, so it seems like there's a pattern."
"Oh. Sorry," said the pig. "Don't worry about me, I've got the strongest house in the whole town!" and he patted the brick walls.
Bob the Neighbor left, and the Big Bad Wolf came along.
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"
"Aww, come on, man, you didn't even give me a chance to knock!"
"This story's getting too long."
"Fair. Ahem… I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"
The Third Little Pig waited smugly in his armchair, waiting for the wolf to tire himself out. But what he didn't realize was that his attic windows had blown in. The Third Little Pig had built his house with a gable style roof for aesthetic reasons, and he had neglected to install hurricane ties as required by building codes in many areas prone to high wind disasters. With wind blowing inside the attic and over the roof, it acted just like a wing! The whole roof lifted off the house and blew away, and without the structural support, even the sturdy brick walls collapsed, crushing the Third Little Pig armchair and all.
The Fourth Little Pig built his house out of stone, with structurally adequate roof design. The wolf huffed and puffed with all his might, but the house just wouldn't budge!
So the Big Bad Wolf waited for the Fourth Little Pig to leave the house. After a few days, this little piggy went to market, when this little piggy should have stayed home. But this little piggy had to buy roast beef, because this little piggy had none. This little piggy saw a familiar shape in the parking lot, and cried WEEE WEEE WEEE WEEE, half of the way home. Not all the way home, because he only got halfway there before the Big Bad Wolf caught him and ate him.
History memes #34
Yeet the Rich
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The Three Whores still dominated the market square inside the gate, but they stood idle now, and the boulders and barrels of pitch had all been trundled away. There were children climbing the towering wooden structures, swarming up like monkeys in roughspun to perch on the throwing arms and hoot at each other.
Tyrion IV -PG 426
Tyrion and Bronn travel to Flea Bottom. On the way, they pass through Fishmonger's Square where the trebuchets, nicknamed the three whores, have not been taken down since the Battle of the Blackwater. In that time they have changed from weapons of war to a children's playset.
This one was tricky. I didn't want to repeat my picture from A Clash of Kings. So I used the opposite angle with the trebuchets facing the River Gate. The hardest part was the children. It took me a while to figure out where to put them and how many there would be. Honestly, I think a trebuchet would probably be too steep for a child to climb on, anyhow. Perhaps the children of King's Landing are made of sterner stuff.
as much as i wanted to rewrite the battle of ostagar actually having a decent strategy, i kept it canon compliant because if they really did have a good strategy, they probably would have won.
your wish shall be granted
oh
Oh
OH MY
YEAH
OH YES HERE THEY ARE!