hm. maybe the psych trauma really does affect me more than the martial arts trauma.
if this is/was obvious to you, don’t fucking tell me that.
under the cut: heavy trauma processing, Big Wall Of Text, my incredibly negative opinions on therapy. in addition, brief mentions of the following things, mostly in the past: institutionalization, cops, suicide.
but like. i don’t think trying to rank my traumas, or to agonize over unpacking Every Little Thing, or what have you, does anything but further upset me.
and, like.
-the martial arts trauma happened first
-both involved women in a position of power over me deciding that they knew me better than i knew myself/that i was fundamentally broken and wrong bc of my brain stuff/etc
-part of what i wanted from therapy was Help With The Abusive Martial Arts Instructor Trauma so being met with further abuse made that worse (purposeful oversimplification; when i started going to therapy i didn't know the instructor was doing anything wrong. i started going to therapy because i was anxious and depressed, there were multiple reasons for me being anxious and depressed, the instructor was one of them, i don't need or want to unpack all of them bc this is already a huge wall of text and also that's Not What I'm Talking About)
so i kind of treated the psych trauma as an extension of the martial arts instructor trauma. and i still don't think that's entirely incorrect? but...like. in general, i feel like the psych trauma affects my daily life more? i encounter people associated with the psych field way more often than i encounter martial arts instructors (i'm a medical receptionist, for fuck's sake. we have psych doctors here.) i encounter people thinking the psych field is the best thing ever and could never hurt anyone ever more often than i encounter people thinking the same thing about martial arts. i encounter people who use psych language (i'm saying "psych language" in an extremely broad/loose/nebulous/vague sense on purpose) more than i encounter people who talk like martial arts instructors.
and. like. what does it even matter! what do i even do! a teacher hurt me, so i went to therapy (again, oversimplification on purpose.) the therapist hurt me, so i...do what? go to more therapy? i don't fucking think so.
and what about the “medical assistant at the GI doctor’s office called the cops on me because i said that sometimes i thought thoughts inside my own brain with no plans to ever act on them” thing? what did that psych trauma have to do with my martial arts instructor?
…okay the medical assistant and the cop were both women in positions of power over me there is that. it wasn’t sustained like martial arts or therapy were, it didn’t happen in a dojo or in a therapy office, but that part does fit. and that incident was part of why i was semi-pushed back into therapy in 2018/2019.
and that isn't even getting into my family issues. because they do exist. i do think there are ways in which my parents failed me, but i think the ways in which my parents failed me had more to do with them trusting the wrong people (and. like. those people were presenting themselves as trustworthy. i trusted them, too. while i don't think my parents are 100% blameless, i blame other people way more than i blame my parents.) and also. like. i stopped going to my martial arts school and have no intention of going back. i stopped going to therapy and have no intention of going back. i don't want to cut my family off completely. i never have, not even when our relationship was way worse than it is now.
why am i even talking about my family issues. I Don't Want To. They Aren't The Main Thing.
oh right it's because the psych trauma makes me feel compelled to overexplain and then also makes me hate myself for overexplaining.
and probably also bc of the shit around my mom being in and out of the psych hospital but I Don’t Fucking Want To Talk About That!!!!
and i don't actually know that the overexplaining is martial arts instructor related. bc god knows that shit never worked with her.
or maybe i'm just still triggered from what happened yesterday that's possible too.
idk how to end this i'm rambling
maybe i thought the martial arts instructor shit affected me more bc that shit is easier to talk and think about by this point. both bc i’ve sat with it longer, and bc more people believe me about it. that felt feasible to unpack. the psych shit doesn’t feel feasible to unpack because part of the nature of my psych trauma is that It Makes The Act Of Unpacking Trauma More Distressing.
i don’t know. i don’t even fucking WANT to talk about this i just want to fucking exist.
