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am i doing something for you what do you get out of this am i a net-positive why do you like/tolerate/keep me what if i stop being useful or good don't you remember [xyz] thing i did please don't leave please don't leave please don't leave
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i'm so glad I have an important deadline approaching so I can finally clean my room
I had a conversation with a professor a couple weeks ago and I cant stop thinking about it.
When I explained to her how my brain works she said "kind of like a doll."
I respect this woman so much. Shes so smart. Shes worked with so many different people throughout her life.
I explained to her this:
I have aphantasia (this is not uncommon), then explained to her how I cant visualize things in my head. However I also explained that I dont have thoughts in the way I believe most people do. I dont have a voice in my head, and I dont see things in my head. Unless I am doing as I am now, writing, or talking. There is nothing but silence. Even then as I type, I am saying the words I am typing in my head in real time. I am not anticipating the next word. None of this is planned out. I dont know how this text post will conclude.
If I am sitting in my room, and there is no TV, music or stimulus in front of me. I just sit there. Staring into nothingness with absolutely nothing in my head. Like dissociating.
Except as soon as someone talks to me. Im present and aware and capable of forming complete, complex thoughts. Just not in my head. Every thought has to be said or written down or it doesnt appear in my brain.
There is never anything behind my gaze. I have no thoughts, but somehow I have so many. I can only express them in one way, and before then not even I know them. Ive tried. I dont understand what this is.
I have no term for it. I have no idea how else to vocalize it. This is all.
My professor said shes never heard of that before and I fascinate her.
I dont want to be an toy to poke and prod. This must be something others experience. How am I capable of such complex and inllectual language and yet, have nothing going on inside my brain?
i just need someone to read this and tell me its good.
no, dont ask anyone you're bothering them
but im not bothering im asking
dont they'll hate it its bad
but what if it's good
its not
ok but can i just ask
no.
fine. *closes laptop*
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
love the annual week-before-xmas "oh god what if no one likes the gifts i got them/the gifts aren't Good Enough/i didn't put enough effort into figuring out the one exact thing that will fix this loved one's whole life and rock their world" anxiety
sometimes when i can't remember a word or a song lyric or something my brain goes "if you were stranded alone on a desert island for the rest of your life do you think you'd ever be able to think of it" and i'm like i don't know. what the fuck
