#trashgames

Re-released one of my “things” - A Game About Something. 

Added a bit of polish as a bonus, though.

It still sucks.

Kimono (Trashgames)

Kimono: A bloody samurai puzzle adventure

I have to start today’s entry with an apology. See, I don’t know if this game is supposed to be blisteringly hard, but I sucked at it. I mean, I really sucked at it. So, with an unhealthy amount of shame and sorrow, I bring you a review for two games that I couldn’t even get past the first zone of. I’m the worst, I know.

Here’s Zone Runner, a cute little collect-em-up platformer from 2002, which I can’t goddamn believe was over fifteen years ago. If this game were a person, they could carry a handgun in Vermont by now. #scathingpoliticalcomment

Zone Runner is basic as heck, and that’s what I like about it. It doesn’t try to break the mould of platforming games, it just does it particularly well. Jump around, avoid the obstacles and the enemies, collect all of the gold coins and do it all again in the next level. It’s also worth noting that the soundtrack is excellent, which seems to be a running theme through these little reviews. I like soundtracks, okay?

Moshboy was also kind enough to include Zone Runner 2 in this bundle, which is about the same as the first with some graphical improvements and an all-round tighter experience. I really enjoyed both of them, despite totally sucking ass at them, and I’ve already reached the point where I’m struggling to come up with more things to say about them from my limited experience.

I’m not against hard games. I loved Cuphead and Hotline Miami, despite not being terribly good at either of them, and I don’t want anyone to think that “this game is hard and I’m terrible at it” to read as “this game is bad.” This game rocks, and I’m the problem here.

I can’t believe my luck. It turns out that I’ve played this one before, quite a few years ago, and I’d totally forgotten about this bizarre little firecracker. Distinguished reader, I give you Soul Jelly.

This game is the perfect example of what I like to call “the gross aesthetic.” The row of uneven, widely-spaced teeth, the pooling tears swimming out of those insane, bulging eyes and the various colors of veins showing through that hideously pink skin. This art style is fucking great.

Anyway, this isn’t an art critique, this is a video game review. Let’s get back on track here.

You are a terrible, almost-naked suicide bomber with a giant cartoon bomb crammed in your mouth, and the game starts with you detonating a family of three for no discernible reason. You’re swiftly transported to Hell, where you meet Death himself (who refers to Hell as Die, which I’m confused by) and are hired to balance the reaping of souls and keep the underworld tax man off Death’s back. It’s as good a pretext as any for a game where you have ten seconds to place your freaky little character in the perfect spot for maximum splash damage, and I absolutely love this depiction of Death.

The gameplay itself is awesome. You’re given a specific goal (anything from killing exactly five people to killing nobody at all) and ten seconds to achieve it by blowing the heck up. Most levels introduce a new mechanic, be it someone that follows behind your character to enemies that shoot projectiles to make you explode prematurely. It’s fast, it’s frantic and it’s fun.

I can’t put how much I adore this game into words. Everything about it just oozes strangeness, from the concept to the soundtrack. While there are a few details that most would be turned off by (such as the fact you can’t skip the “failed” screen before you can try again) I can’t complain about this gem at all. It’s a forgotten relic, and I’m going to be in debt to Moshboy forever for bringing this game back into my life.

I’m surprised that at only the second game, I’ve run into a name I’m familiar with. I’ve played another game by Amidos before, a charming twist on Rock, Paper, Scissors called RPSwipe available on iPhone and Android. Admittedly, this raised my expectations a little, so I’m going to try and be nice about the game I played today.

Connect should be a really nice game. It’s a little puzzle game with a simple mechanic, and some absolutely lovely music. The gameplay consists of creating links between numbered dots to cancel out each value and bring the entire board down to zero. It’s actually surprisingly zen, for a puzzle game. I really enjoyed it while I played it. But, unfortunately, we have to come to a huge criticism... the entire game runs on a sixty-second timer.

As soon as I found out that there was a fixed time limit, this is where the game went from a peaceful and relaxing puzzle to a taxing dash for the finish. I tried it again twice, each time making a little more progress, before I decided this game wasn’t for me. Without the time limit, I would have really loved this game. It’s kind of a shame that my opinion dropped so far due to one tiny little detail, but it kinda ruined the whole experience for me. That being said, I’m glad I could play another game from an indie creator I’ve already heard of, and I’ll be sure to check out some more of the works of Amidos.

When I decided to start this project, I had only one wish: to touch on that weird and wonderful feeling of early-2000′s freeware. You know what I’m taking about. Those games that just somehow appeared on the server of every high school on the planet, and nobody really knows who put them there. Icy Tower and Elasto Mania are two classic examples. As luck would have it, I found exactly that in the first game off the starting line. What a thrill.

Save Ultimate Wainbow Kitty is a great example of an old concept with a new spin. It plays like Frogger with an old lady carrying a chain gun. To begin, the game tells you to cross the “extwemely chaotic highway” and it isn’t kidding. These cars are not fucking around, they have places to be and they’re putting the pedal to the metal. Thankfully, you can start pileups with your aforementioned firearm to block the flow of traffic and reach the kitty on the other side, which is both satisfying and fun. While a lot of open-world games give me the opportunity to riddle a public bus with bullets, it isn’t very often that I’m given a reason to, let alone a reason this silly.

Once you reach your beloved kitty, it’s time to journey back across the road, armed with an RPG to make things even more disorderly. I feel that it’s important to mention here that upon collecting your kitty, the music from Nyan Cat starts playing in the background, which I haven’t heard since my first year of film school. It’s a strange, multi-layered kind of nostalgia to play a game so similar to early 2000′s freeware weirdness while listening to a tune from the era where you used to drink absinthe on a weekday, but that’s neither here nor there.

After reaching the other side, the game congratulates you on making it home “back in time for din-dins.” And that’s it. The experience is over. C’est la vie.

I honestly really enjoyed this game, despite the gameplay being a touch frustrating at times. It’s goofy, it’s fun, it’s a clever twist on the premise... it’s a great sample of what this collection has in store. The art style is simple and wholesome, and the music is actually pretty great. I’m a little disappointed that the game ends so abruptly, as it had enough potential to carry on for a few levels, but I enjoyed the one and only level enough not to complain about that too much. All-up, Jake Clover has made me smile.

It’s the 18th of February in 2018 and I’ve just stumbled upon a collection called the Pirate Bay Bundle, put together by none other than the trashgame king, Moshboy. I don’t know how I’ve never heard of this before, and it’s clearly a attestation to the fact that those I surround myself with are terrible at telling me about this kind of thing.

So, with no further ado and without any fanfare whatsoever, I propose the following: I’m going to play every last one of the 101 games in this bundle, one per day, and review all of them. I’ve done a little Googling and it doesn’t look like anyone’s done this yet, so I feel like it’s my duty to do it. After all, finding a niche is the only reason I do anything anymore.