#transzai

post 'all the showers mysteriously broke down so they had to use the public baths together?!' WAN era (i do not know how public baths work)

NOT A GIRL, NOT A BOY

just a human...

Non-binary Dazai because. I just rendered the doodle I'd done before... I liked this drawing.

trigger warnings: gender dysphoria, mentions of body mutilation and self harm, dissociation, detransitioning, transphobia, etc.

dazai's character design makes a whole lot of sense once you view it from a gender dysphoric / transmasc experience point of view, and here's a massive list of my headcanons for it,

trans dazai but he wears bandages because he'd rather not look at his body at all than feel dysphoria every time he's forced to remember that he isn't a cishet man. he has self-harmed yes, but it was more out of a desperate, wild desire to appeal to the "tough guy syndrome" and by mutilating his body to fit his idea of being a man.

he kept the shaggy appearance of his hair because someone in the port mafia (possibly hirotsu or kouyou) once remarked that it makes him seem more boy'ish. he used to keep his hair shorter to "pass" better (during the 15arc), but he grew lazier and refused to confine into gender norms and have neat, short hair. his current hair is just a leisure cut of his inital long, straight brunette hair that seems wavy from its uncared for condition.

before he was in the port mafia, dazai learned to disconnect and dissociate from his body. he does not quite feel "human" because he doesn't feel like a woman, and he's forced not to transition into a man yet.

trans dazai but when he meets chuuya (who is a cis guy), he's mesmerized. first of all, chuuya has a very masculine and vulgar way of speaking. on top of that, he rolls his r's a lot, which is also considered very masculine and improper, similar to how a delinquent would talk. so, dazai instantly wants to copy every "manly" thing chuuya does. although dazai speaks similarly for a very short period of time, he returns to using more formal and traditionally feminine-ish terms (for example, using watashi to refer to himself) because let's be for real: this boy already has a fuck-ton on his plate to worry about than language.

when chuuya compliments his ability and their partnership, dazai is hit with a crashing sense of gender euphoria. mori finalizing soukoku as partners is the final dart on the board, and dazai knows: he is no less than a cis man just because he's trans.

dazai also thrives with the knowledge that chuuya doesn't underestimate him just because dazai isn't cis. in fact, chuuya had been one of the most supportive people when dazai began transitioning back in the mafia, all in his grumbling, huffing glory. this was quite surprising for dazai, considering chuuya is very vocal about hating his guts. not to mention, chuuya grew up on the streets; dazai didn't expect him to be so eager to learn and accommodate to his new pronouns and changing appearance.

furthermore, chuuya is a one-package deal of gender euphoria for dazai, because the giddiness he experiences at the fact that he's taller than a cis man is massive. he's famished, starving for that feeling, on cloud nine every time he towers over chuuya or anybody he's come across. (spoiler alert: chuuya is sick of it but he hasn't ever voiced it)

dazai also has the exact same pair of shoes as chuuya (since he also admitted to liking chuuya's taste in shoes, albeit he passed it off as a joke), and he wears it on his most dysphoric days.

trans dazai but he got top surgery from a random ass plastic surgeon when he was a port mafia executive, and it surprisingly went well. out of all of his decisions ever made, dazai cherishes this one the most.

before getting his top surgery, dazai used to wear his binder at all times. his dysphoria got so bad that he almost cracked a rib from the durations he would have the binder plastered on him.

he hated every time his body autonomy was mentioned, which was often, since he would get injured during operations and get admitted to the infirmary.

he also got malgendered to an extreme, owing to him being in a dangerous and powerful position meant he was "violent" and "disturbing" and "predatory." he experienced transandrophobia to the point where he was questioning if he should transition at all.

when he'd just started transitioning, dazai DIY'd testosterone after help and research from ango. throughout his initial transition phase, odasaku was the one who was most concerned, simply because he had no idea how it all worked. however, he made sure to time dazai's T-shots, slipping a few excuses for mori on dazai's bodily changes, etc. (he also helped dazai learn how to shave his beard)!

now, this panel of odasaku's death can mean something very different in context to this post's topic.

odasaku unfurling the bandages on dazai's eye can be symbolic for him freeing dazai in a sense that dazai can choose how to live for himself. if he wants to cower and go back into the closet now that odasaku and ango can't protect him, or if he wants to save himself and leave the mafia―the choice is in his hands.

much like the scene in I Saw The TV Glow, where owen rips his chest to look at the glowing tv, this panel is symbolic for dazai truly seeing his own identity, finally allowing himself to reclaim who he is. the veil of confusion and inability to align with his assigned gender is removed by odasaku (since dazai can now see with both eyes), letting dazai choose himself and save what little of his sanity he has left.