#transparent borderline

i feel like i'm about to lose it. lose every sense of "thatsabadfuckingideayoushouldntdothat", lose absolutely every inhibition that keeps me socially acceptable. i'm being chased. i have told this worthless wench that i'm disgusted to call my mother that i want nothing to do with her and that i am going to lead a happy life that, for my sake, could not and would not include her. i beat the fuck out of her for thinking she could grab me and hit me like she used to and i was the one handed a restraining order (funny thing, that justice stuff). i beat the fuck out of her for making the same mistakes with my sister and inflicting the same torment she did on me, on her. i beat the fuck out of her because i should have and thats what you do when someone attacks your person. but now that the restraining order is completely in effect, she is still stalking me, harassing me, concerning her putrid pathetic life with the current events of my own. i caught her tweeting about me, after she hadnt tweeted ANYTHING in over 3 months. aimlessly and hence pointlessly telling me to "#moveon" and accusing me of not acting like an adult and taking responsibility for my actions. if i am still passing time sucking on a pacifier and shitting my pants for sport, why is it her business? why does she still have to concern herself with my life? why did she tell me she wanted me out of her house and wanted nothing to do with me but she incessantly stalks my instagram and makes snide comments online and to other people? i know why, but... WHY?! (even though in the restraining order she made sure i wasnt allowed to say anything about her on "social media").

a few months back when it was in the heat of all this, i learned about borderline personality disorder. my "mother" is a borderline- a transparent borderline to be specific, the worst kind. i encourage anyone reading this to google "children of borderline mothers" and you will understand the torment i went through as a child and unbeknownst to many, what a much larger population of children go through. its an awful disease that is almost undetectable to the outside world, only to its victims. this disease is a cruel joke on anyone in its grips. i remember for my whole life i would cry to people, talk to people, try to reason with them that what i was telling them went on at home REALLY WENT ON AT HOME and all i'd hear was that it was somehow my own doing. after a very long time of trying to convince the outside world of the monster i had to call mom, i finally had enough, everyone had gotten to me. it was my doing, it was in my head, and i was what was all fucked up. being convinced that i was my own craziness was too much for me- so i wanted to kill myself, kill my crazy. this is often the end of most borderline stories, with the victim taking their own life. 

for whatever reason, i survived. not long after, i dropped out of a college that i hated at the end of fall semester and moved in with my boyfriend. ofcourse saying it like that i'm leaving alot out, but on my way out of my mother's life and into a happy life of my own, i made it clear for her (and all my old neighbors) that i never wanted to see her again, to never contact me in any shape or form, and that she no longer had the right to mutter even something close to my name, that we were now nothing and of no relation. she proceeded to pay to find out my newly changed phone number, ask friends' parents where i was staying and how i was doing, and having the nerve to fill her facebook newsfeed of condescending bullshit all central to me.