Transition Diary

________________________________________

Here's the thing: I love being a butch lesbian. I love our community, I love our culture, I love the role I fit into, I love it all.

I also made an appointment to get on T today.

When I hear about other lesbians n butches getting on T, I admire them, see them as lesbians, and feel in-community. But I have this disconnect with myself. I won't belong, I won't be accepted, I dont fit this label anymore.

And it hurts.

I love being a lesbian but I can't keep looking in the mirror at my massive hips. I love being a lesbian but my voice gets pitched up so high whenever I'm trying to be friendly. I love being a lesbian but menstruating makes me spiral. I've been binding for close to 5 years. It takes me hours sometimes to get ready because men's clothes aren't falling right on my body.

I need to do this for myself, for my mental health. But I also dont want to lose community. I have a foot in two identities. I think they overlap, but others don't. Shitty on their part. Fuck terfs and fuck transphobes.

I was in a hospital bed and the surgeon was trying to tell me something about issues with my incisions. I kept having this conversation and time passed. Finally I looked down and saw a flat chest under bandages.

Everything slowed down and I felt so much relief and love for my body- something I don't know if I've ever felt in my life. It was the craziest feeling and made whatever weird issues my brain was making up melt away.

I woke up, of course, without having had top surgery. But, I only have confidence in my decision to pursue surgery and can't help but wonder more about hrt. I get really caught up in the what-if's when it comes to medically transitioning. What if I am even more uncomfortable and can't go back? What if I made the wrong choice?

Hrt is still a want, but i have my own mental hangups about it in terms of changes I'd love and others I'm not sure about. Top surgery has been a dream since I realized it was a Thing in middle school. I've felt chest dysphoria since I woke up on the first day of school for 4th grade and a bra was on top of my laid out clothes. I still remember the discomfort and embarrassment I felt while my friends at the time were jealous.

My cage was her dream and vice versa.