#trans trash

not to start with the biggest cliché ever but I never really like. Felt like a girl (as a young age if asked my gender i'd say tomboy) and didn't like girly things and all that and with age i assumed it was just internalized misogony but i grew out of 'hating girly things' and realized like oh, most of that stuff aint my jam but some is nice (i love baking and needlework)!

i Still never liked being feminine in like any way tho, but dressing masculinely and being called like he and handsome and being 'mistaken' for a boy and stuff did feel good and this led me to a fuckass long period of just being like "how am i supposed to KNOW if im TRANS if gender doesnt MEAN ANYTHING (because ofc sex isn't gender but also being masculine or feminine doesnt determine gender and its great to say gender is just how you feel but the words seem kinda meaningless and maybe this means im nb?) and am i just STILL plagued by internalized misogony?"

and uh... that lasted for a few years and i honestly dunno how i got out of that phase? I mean partially im sure is because i used to be afraid to identify as transgender for... obvious reasons lol but i also just kinda became more comfortable with the idea that i dont see myself as a girl and it doesn't really matter if i think otherwise later!

So for a while I just kinda said i was 'probably not a girl', 'probably trans but not sure', then hesitatingly either 'not cis' or 'trans' but I still wasn't quite sure of what my identity was exactly, whether I was agender or a man or just nb, and with time I became more chill with the idea that I don't have to know exactly what my identity is, but trans guy fits me pretty well so I'll use that at least until I find something that resonates with me more!

There were some things that like. Helped me be more comfortable with the idea of me being trans so ill say those too !

numero uno cutting my hair which i wanted to do foreeeeever. My hair was mid thigh level and my mom didnt really let me get it cut any length other than Real Long so getting my hair cut real Short was fantastic like. 10/10 would recommend very liberating. i had to compromise with her so I'd get a short haircut but not an undercut (she thought it's a cut for an older face or something but ive got one NOW so GOTTEM) but Still that was Great and boosted my self esteem SO much.

I found a nice tip somewhere (i wish i could remember where) I followed of making my character in viddy games male (I pretty often just make my characters. Me) which helped me realize like Ah! This feels normal for me ! This is nice !

I also wore more mens clothing and i gotta say going to the mens section of a store to get things For Me was 👌👌! my mom even let me get a suit for some event which, even though it was like a suit made for women (i dont know how to like. say the difference between a mans and womans suit but there really IS) it was really nice !! and along with the short hair, I looked a lot more masculine and a lot more like. more of who i wanted to be i guess instead of wearing the same hoodie licherally every day. this also helped a lot with my confidence and self esteem because for once i actually liked things about the way i looked!