#trans!kurt

So, Kurt and Blaine lay in bed together, Blaine laying just as he fell when he flopped down and Kurt curled against his side as best he can after shifting Blaine’s arm just as bit from where it was awkwardly bent. He plays with Blaine’s fingers while studying Blaine’s sleep-relaxed expression. Blaine is clearly struggling to keep his eyes open and Kurt thinks it might be the most adorable thing he’s ever seen even when he feels a little guilty for keeping Blaine awake, but they have some things to talk about and he’d been waiting and waiting until they’d be without an audience.

“When’s our date?” Kurt whispers, to which Blaine only sleepily hums, so Kurt repeats himself.

“T'morrow?” Blaine mumbles, messily rubbing his hand against his nose and shifting his head a bit restlessly.

Kurt laughs. “Are you going to remember tomorrow?" 

Blaine just hums once more as he gives in again to his weighty eyelids. Kurt traces Blaine face as all the lines disappear at once with the feather-light touch of his pointer finger. He feels the spot right beside Blaine’s eye that crinkles when he grins, then curve of his cheekbone and the smooth skin of his cheek down to the solid strength of his jaw.

Kurt presses his lips lightly against Blaine’s temple and confesses, “I’ve figured out our next plan.”

Part of Kurt expects a cartoon-like spike in energy, where suddenly Blaine’s eyes that were formerly battling ten-ton eyelids are bugging out and he absolutely isn’t sleepy anymore. But that’s not how it works out. Blaine is in a quiet doze and stays that way, his mouth even dropping open to let in deeper breaths as he sinks farther and farther into sleep. Maybe that wouldn’t have been the most romantic or seductive way anyway. Kurt resigns himself to just telling Blaine at the date.

And so he does – well, not at the dinner they have at a fancy but affordable restaurant; Kurt isn’t that bold – but after, when they’re walking hand in hand back to Kurt’s. At dinner, they had done what they usually do. Kurt snuck appreciative glances at Blaine whenever he could and blushed when he gets caught. They held hands across the table before their food arrived and they tucked their feet together when their hands weren’t available. They flirted and complimented each other. They gossiped about their friends – honestly, mainly Sam and Mercedes – and they talked about NYADA starting up again and they discussed jobs, but on the way to Blaine’s they don’t talk about anything at all. Kurt doesn’t divulge the plan and doesn’t even divulge the existence of a plan. The second time is harder it seems. Kurt will be breaking the silence with a proposition that should be sexy and alluring, so he feels like he really needs to nail it.

Meanwhile, he feels sort of bad that they are going back to his place again, because Unique is new to the city and they haven’t gotten much downtime for just the two of them with Kurt at work and both of them starting up classes. He also feels sort of bad trying to appease her by scheduling and paying for her bribe of a dinner out and a mani-pedi, as well as suggesting other activities to keep her out of the apartment just long enough, and with the strict warning after which to not do anything that involves breaking the metaphorical seal that he likes to pretend the curtains act as. On the other hand, his guilt is matched by the fact that what he has planned tonight is really something he’d rather do in his apartment without worry or thought of Sam, who seems like the type to always enter without knocking, especially since he basically ripped the curtains down this morning to wake Blaine up. Really, honestly, over all he just felt more comfortable at his place, which might be selfish but he’ll let himself be selfish with this.

Anyway, aside from the rude awakening, Kurt liked sleeping with Blaine last night and he is hoping Blaine will want to stay over tonight, because it’s certainly not as if before he was going to kick Blaine out of his bed at the end of the plan, but now he likes the idea of Blaine staying over even more. Being able to cuddle up with his boyfriend was different from what he expected. It wasn’t perfect – that would come with time – but for once he didn’t find it hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, so he didn’t end up turning around with his back to Blaine and instead he stayed curled in his arms. Plus, before then, before sleep became the goal, holding Blaine and Blaine holding him, albeit rather laxly, was better than he imagined it would be. He cuddled some with Rachel, Mercedes, and Unique at their sleepovers in high school but that tapered off and it’s been a while since then, but even if he’d cuddled with any of them just yesterday, it wouldn’t be the same and Kurt isn’t sure if it’s because of the boy factor or the boyfriend factor or the overall Blaine factor. He just knows he likes it like no other and he hopes after all the experimenting that happens tonight, he can lay in bed with his boyfriend and hold him close, feel Blaine’s breath and heartbeat against him.

Right now, though, more than almost anything, it’s not Blaine’s heartbeat he feels pulsing down to his fingers in the squeeze of their clutched hands and it’s not Blaine’s warmth he feels heating his body. With the throb of his heart, the feeling of sweat beginning to arise in various uncomfortable places – namely the damned underboob sweat that the binder only seems to amplify, which makes for just another reason why he hates having to wear one – and then the increasing ache in his squished hand, Kurt looks at his boyfriend’s profile and wonders if Blaine knows what’s to come and if he’s nervous or it’s just the significance of six months that makes Blaine feel like holding on so hard. Or maybe Kurt’s just reading too much into things. 

“Do you want to come inside?” Kurt offers hopefully, looking Blaine in the eyes, searching. He’d apparently inadvertently decided to bypass the seductive idea after all and save it for later. Again. Fuck. It was so easy the first time, lulled into forgetful security by the intimacy of the first sleepover with his adorable, sleepyhead of a boyfriend. The moonlight of another night isn’t so giving apparently.

“Absolutely,” Blaine agrees, grinning in that bashful way only Blaine can. Usually, it’s grin or be bashful, but Blaine can be both and it’s times like these when he thinks it’s a shame Blaine isn’t looking to be an actor. People would be sold hook, line, and sinker. 

Blaine knows his way around Kurt’s apartment building and apartment, but Kurt still leads him inside and Kurt guides him past the living room and kitchen, straight to his room. He doesn’t see Blaine’s face, but he can guess what his expression looks like now: surprised, arched eyebrows and a smirk.

Once Kurt pushes passed the curtain, he turns around and…He’s right.

“I told you this last night, but I’m guessing you don’t remember,” Kurt rambles. “I have our plan.”

Blaine’s face transforms again and it really is truly remarkable. His intrigued flirtation morphed into the slightly different flirty excitement and he sincerely admits, “I was hoping you might” and, with the hand not still held firmly in Kurt’s, he clasps and strokes Kurt’s arm.

“In no particular order,” Kurt begins, concentrating on Blaine’s thumb as it swoops up and down and letting his eyes lose focus, “I will take off all my clothes except for my binder and you take off all the clothes you want – if you want to take of more or less, that’s entirely up to you. I will do anything to you that I’ve already done before, your choice, and you can, if you want, uh, you can, um, finger me,” Kurt blurts and he can feel his face burning pink.

“If you want to, I want to – I really want to,” Blaine gasps breathily and happily, almost as if in relief.

“Okay, so, um,” Kurt mumbles, “it’s a plan?”

“It’s a plan.”

Blaine catches his lips, starting off soft but swiftly growing stronger, and Kurt can feel the nervousness bubble in him and roll and intertwine with excitement. Adrenaline rushing through him with two different sources and it’s dizzying. He feels a swoop rock through him, causing a shiver in its wake, and he loops his arms around Blaine’s neck. He’s sure he’s leaning too heavily on Blaine, but Blaine just moves his arms around his waist and hugs him even closer.

It’s a few more moments of kissing this way before Kurt remembers to take off any clothes.  He keeps his upper body tipped towards Blaine but he arches his hips back to reach down to undo his belt, unbutton, unzip, and shimmy out of his pants, careful to make sure his shimmying still leaves his boxers in place. He does this fairly smoothly and breaks away from Blaine’s lips only to step out of his pant legs. Smiling at the hazy elation in Blaine’s eyes, he traces his eyes down from Blaine’s face to where his hands mirror what Kurt’s just done and then Blaine does even more as he unbuttons his shirt and slips off his undershirt. As the fabric slips from Blaine’s hands and joins their pants on the floor in a growing, colorful heap, Kurt moves forward to press himself against Blaine again as he aches to have Blaine as close as he can; the air between them feels more exposing than being wrapped together.

Rather than jumping back to making out, Blaine places his hand on the side of Kurt’s neck and lightly massages his fingers to encourage Kurt to tip his head, which Kurt obediently does of course. They both know how special Kurt’s neck is. Even so, Kurt blushes a bit as he feels his eyes flutter and warmth pool. 

Kurt can feel himself getting more and more…worked up as Blaine eases him to sit on the bed, mixing light and rough kisses up and down his throat, so he decides to get rid of another of his obstacles, his shirt, and push himself further up the bed so they can lay down facing each other, on their sides, side-by-side. It feels a little weird to be lying in bed like this, dressed like this, and with Blaine lying beside him too, but he pushes that out of mind for now.

He finds that a remarkably easy task when Blaine curls his hand around Kurt’s packer and his fingers reach far enough to press lightly on the quickly growing wet spot just behind it. Kurt shivers at the light touch that isn’t strong enough but is new enough to make him gasp. The feeling of being touched on both the plastic of a wish and the flesh reality is almost enough to trick Kurt into forgetting for a minute, forgetting that the feeling he’s getting, the rush, isn’t coming from the penis. He blushes as he hears himself moan and he hears how breathy and high-pitched it is, but Blaine doesn’t seem to notice, he just rubs his hand a little harder on both Kurt’s parts, grinding the packer against his front and his finger against his opening.

Kurt, for his part, just really, really feels the need to kiss Blaine – hard and rough and messy – so he grabs that little bit of hair at the back of Blaine’s neck that never seems to get entirely tamed by gel and tugs Blaine forward. It’s a firm meeting of lips at first, but it delves into just what Kurt wants when he gets to play with nipping and pulling at Blaine’s lips.

“Uh,” Blaine groans when he gasps for air, “mutual hand jobs, maybe?”

“Yeah,” Kurt breathily chuckles, “of course." 

He really likes that thought. He likes the thought of getting a hand job. He’d never thought of it like that. But, he doesn’t leave himself much time to ponder the significance of diction, because this isn’t just a first in terms of how much skin Kurt is showing. While he tucks his fingers under his waistband and rather smoothly slips it down and past his feet, Blaine is, for the first time for Kurt, entirely naked and it’s fucking glorious. Bashfulness and curiosity war in him for dominance, so as he tips himself to lay more belly down to the bed to hide from view a bit of his glaring nudity from the waist down, he feels the dire need to trace every inch of Blaine with his eyes and hands. One hand goes to Blaine’s cock and starts slowly stroking, but the other? The other starts with caressing fingertips against one edge of the waist and hips Kurt loves so much. He’d never gotten to see them before without a layer or two covering them up. He molds his hand around Blaine’s hip and, without loosening his grip, rubs the skin back and forth over the curve of the bone.

Kurt is broken from his study when Blaine gently whispers, “I want to see you too.”

He blinks up at Blaine before he ducks his head, looks away from Blaine’s face quickly, and lets himself smoothly and carefully lay back against the covers. He’s so glad he’s not totally naked, because just this is enough to push Kurt to that edge, that place that comes from choice against instinct. His instinct is to cover up, but his choice is to not move a single muscle but for those in his hands as they continue to stroke Blaine.

“You’re beautiful you know,” Blaine breathes, but Kurt only hums and feels the tingle of Blaine’s hand as it ghosts down Kurt’s body to return to its earlier position. The plastic isn’t there anymore, it’s just the reality of Kurt now that Blaine’s hand cups but while Kurt wishes there was something more, the way Blaine touches him makes it seem like nothing’s missing. He doesn’t hover over where the packer once was, but moves to hold just as firmly, his fingers back in their place, his palm back in its. The fingers are a little deeper than before but Blaine keeps the same pressure on the front as he had earlier.

Kurt is still looking anywhere else with his head tucked stiffly against his pillow when can feel the scrape of early scruff as Blaine nudges his check against his and Kurt hesitantly smiles as he pecks Blaine once on the nose to earn him a chuckle and then firmly on the mouth to earn him the vibration of a moan. 

They go slowly as Kurt can feel just as much curiosity in Blaine’s touch as he has in his own, as has been in his own from when they first started experimenting. He wonders when the curiosity will end, when they will know each other’s bodies enough to no longer require curiosity. Kurt knows the day will come but not today. Today, the wet slide of Blaine’s fingers on Kurt and then in Kurt is curious and novice, not that Kurt much knows the difference, and the drag of Kurt’s hand on Blaine is amateur but drifting towards practiced. Blaine tests angles and depths and various levels of pressure and number of fingers and placement of fingers and they both sometimes forget to kiss with all their attention drawn down below, so they lay breathing in the puffs of hot air that pass between their open mouths as they pant, moan, gasp, and groan. Kurt groans at his own need for more. Of everything. He needs deeper and harder and faster in a way he’s never quite felt before and he even boldly hikes his leg over Blaine’s hip to give Blaine a little bit of better access, which Blaine uses to its fullest potential to pivot his hand to find the best spots to rub and rubs them all at once, which makes Kurt’s fingers and toes curl and he tugs on Blaine’s hair in his surprise, which prompts Kurt to learn just how much Blaine likes attention to his hair, whether in raking fingers through it or sharp pulls, which he can coordinate with how he works over Blaine’s cock or how he kisses or how roughly he grips the globe of Blaine’s ass, which is another new sensation Kurt finds he really, really likes. As Blaine traces along his hole and folds, Kurt can play with the feeling of Blaine’s balls in his palm and the way he can’t even begin to hold all of one of Blaine’s cheeks in one hand.

It doesn’t seem to be either of their immediate goals to get off, but to find and memorize what works best and then repeat it, desperately drinking in the uninhibited reactions.

But, eventually they do get off, it taking longer for Kurt with Blaine still clearly trying to figure out what is where and what exactly to do, but they do get their successful mutual hand jobs that leave them panting and gasping and slowly relaxing tensed muscles. Kurt scrambles a bit to find his underwear to slide back on again, but more calmly offers Blaine a tissue, and pulls down the comforter, so they can have a good cuddle. For now and for once, Kurt just wants to forget about his nighttime routine, just wants to fall asleep in Blaine’s arms without a care for his facial treatment.

He lets himself relax in Blaine’s outstretched, welcoming arms as he tucks his face against the space between Blaine’s shoulder and neck. Now that it’s all said and done, he doesn’t know much what to do with himself. He mostly wants to burrow himself into Blaine and for Blaine to never let go. He wants to be held tightly. He wants to be held together. He wiggles an arm under Blaine’s waist and wraps his other arm around to link his fingers together and squeezes Blaine with all his strength hoping that Blaine will squeeze back just as hard. He does and Kurt appreciates that squeezing back is all Blaine does and doesn’t ask him if he’s okay, because, if he’d asked, Kurt would have had to think about the answer and he’d rather just be. 

“Thank you, Blaine,” he whispers, pressing a kiss against Blaine’s skin and holding it as he pulls deep breaths through his nose.

It’s just one weekend. He’s just got to keep it together for one weekend.

Rachel clutches his hand from the time they leave the loft to the time they reach Kurt’s front door and Kurt’s the image of supportive strength. Carole hugs him for a little too long to be just a greeting hug and Kurt has a small, reassuring smile as he rubs his hands solidly up and down her back. He keeps that small smile when they reminisce through out the weekend. He cuddles silently with Rachel when she creeps into his room the first night, understandably not wanting to spend the night in Finn’s old room. He chuckles at the right parts in anecdotes.

He performs it all so well until the night of Finn’s birthday. He and Rachel are supposed to fly back in the morning and she’s already passed out in his bed, so he slips away to Finn’s room.

It’s too empty. He’d helped clean it out, but somehow he’d forgotten just how barren it is. He’d looked at the closed door and imagined for just one heartbreaking moment that when he opened it, everything would be the same. It’s that much more heartbreaking when it isn’t.

The bed is still there, so he plops down on the floor and leans against it, taking in all the empty space around him. He closes his eyes and he can see where all the crap would be lying around on the floor, smelly laundry, smuggled dishes, food wrappers, and he sees where all the mementos would be, but when he opens his eyes none of it is there.

Playing dress up is over.

He feels his throat tighten. He feels his jaw clench. He feels the tears begin to drip down his cheeks.

“Hey, kiddo.”

Kurt startles. His dad stands in the doorway in his pajamas, robe, and slippers, looking cozy and warm and not at all how Kurt feels right now. It makes him want to be a little kid again so he can hug his dad and feel how his arms engulf him. He urgently and in a panic goes to wipe off his tears, and whispers, “Hey,” cringing at how rough it sounds.

“I thought you and Rachel went to sleep.”

“Uh, yeah, we did,” Kurt replies weakly.

“Apparently you didn’t stay that way,” Burt laughs.

“Um, no.”

“You’re allowed to be upset, Kurt,” his dad insists as he sits down on the bed, resting a hand on Kurt’s shoulder.

Kurt stares at a speck on the carpet and whispers, “I want to be there for Carole and Rachel. He was theirs.”

“He was ours, too,” Burt emphasizes.

“I guess.”

“You know, if Finn were here, I bet he’d be really bent out of shape that you can drink and he couldn’t. Twenty definitely isn’t as cool as twenty-one. So close and yet so far,” Burt jokes. “Probably take you out to get a six pack and then mooch it back off you.”

Kurt feels a laugh bubble up. “Probably. He’d complain that I’d bought something too fruity but still drink it.”

“He always treated you like a little brother – I think because he was so much bigger than you, hard to feel like the younger sibling when you tower so high.”

“Might also be because he had to protect me with all that bullying stuff,” he suggests sadly, “felt like the protective big brother.”

“You’re probably right.”

Kurt’s phone vibrates against the floor where it fell out of his pocket and it feels to Kurt like the hundredth time it’s gone off in the past two days. He hasn’t looked at any of the messages though. He doesn’t want to type the same message over and over to people who don’t realize that giving their condolences doesn’t make anything feel any better, just makes him have to think about it over and over and over with no break, no respite.

“That’s been going off like crazy since you got here,” Burt comments leadingly.

“I haven’t much felt like talking to anyone.”

“They’re probably worried about you,” Burt insists as he leans down to pick up Kurt’s phone. “Blaine, whoever that is, seems awful desperate.”

“I’ll text back while I wait for the plane tomorrow.”

Kurt can feel his dad’s eyes scrutinizing him and he tries hard not to fidget, but for a guy who looks pretty humdrum, his dad is great at figuring out how to get Kurt to talk and Kurt knows it. He doesn’t know what he might be giving off to clue in his dad, but he futilely hopes it’s nothing.

“He just a friend? Or something else?”

Kurt holds back a groan at his dad’s acuity and simply states, “Something else.”

“That’s great, bud! How come you never told me?”

He looks up at his dad and sees his dad’s mix of confusion and happiness and it makes him want to chuckle if he didn’t also know that he’s now sort of in trouble. So, he turns back around.

“Just hadn’t gotten around to it.”

“How long have you known him?” Burt prods.

“Depending on what time it is, six months today. In fact, it’s probably what he’s texting about,” Kurt admits, feeling a little shitty that he didn’t think to text Blaine before now.

“You don’t think you should text him back? I’m not an expert or anything but I thought that was the way texting went.”

“I told him what I’d be doing,” Kurt explains in what probably isn’t his proudest moment and doesn’t really give testament to the fact that he’s not in fact still sixteen.

“Kurt. Turn around and talk to me, so I don’t have to talk to the back of your head.”

Kurt does as he’s told and looks his dad right in the eyes. “Dad.”

“I seem to remember you being afraid you’d never find anyone and complaining that if you ever did you couldn’t be public about it; now you’re telling me you didn’t even think to mention it to me in all the times we’ve talked.”

“I told you, I hadn’t gotten around to it.”

“Six months, Kurt. Did you not think I’d like him or something?” Burt guesses.

“No, I’m pretty sure you’d love him. He’s polite – he’d insist call you sir even after you’ve corrected him because that’s both how he shows respect and his fallback – and he’s kind and a big football fan, too.”

“Then what’s going on?”

“Dad,” Kurt sighs, “this weekend is about celebrating and remembering Finn, not interrogating me.”

Burt nods, understanding that it’s justifiable to want to focus on your late brother on his would be birthday weekend, but Kurt knows it won’t cut it. “And I’m sure Finn would want me to make sure you’re doing okay,” Burt argues and it’s probably true.

“I’m fine.”

“Humor me.”

Kurt hopes that if he just makes silent eye contact with his dad long enough, his dad will back down. It doesn’t seem to be working though.

“Fine,” Kurt assents, “I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure it would stick.”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“Dad.”

“He knows about you doesn’t he?” his dad asks hesitantly and if Kurt thought blushing was a word to describe his dad, that’d be what’s going on right now. “I mean, he knows-”

Kurt takes pity on his dad, who, although accepting isn’t just about to say, “Your boyfriend knows about your vagina right?” So, Kurt cuts him off before he has to with a simple affirmation of “Yes.”

“So, if he’s stuck through this far, seems like a good sign, right?”

“Have you forgotten how Aunt Mildred is? In between every holiday we talk to her on the phone and we think she’s starting to understand, but then she’ll come to Christmas and say something else, like ‘No one will ever believe you’re a boy. There’s nothing masculine about you’ or ‘How could you do this to your family? We want a niece’ or ‘Do you know how hard this is for me? Every time I look at you, I just feel sad.’ Just because Blaine seems to have gotten past the fact that I’m trans, doesn’t mean that everything is perfect and nothing will go wrong.”

“I’m real sorry she’s said those things to you and I’ve talked to her about it and we don’t have to see her anymore if you don’t want to,” Burt promises, to which Kurt only shrugs. They’ve had this conversation before. “But, Kurt, nothing is perfect. Stuff can always go wrong.”

“How reassuring,” Kurt deadpans, returning to his stubborn analysis of the carpet and picking at some loose threads.

“I’m just saying maybe it will go bad or maybe it won’t, but if you’re going to tip it towards the good side, you’ve got to have a little trust in the guy.”

Kurt tries to sound aloof but finds himself promising, “I’ll take that into consideration.”

“That’s all I’m asking, kiddo,” his dad agrees, squeezing his shoulder one last time before moving to get up with a groan.

For his part, Kurt simply watches his dad get up and leave. He’s not sure what does it – what his dad said or simply curiosity – but he does decide to check his phone after all.

Blaine: I know this is probably a bad time, but I thought I would still wish you a happy six month-aversary. Or maybe mensiversary if you’re going with the Latin. I’m not 100% sure. Blaine: I just want you to know that I’ve really enjoyed these last six months. Blaine: And I was hoping you might accompany me to dinner after you get back to celebrate. Blaine: But I also understand if you don’t feel like celebrating. Blaine: I’m sorry about your brother. Blaine: I hope you’re doing okay. Blaine: I’m here if you need me.

Kurt can’t help but smile even when he can still feel the tears that have dried on his cheeks. 

Kurt: Happy six month-aversary or mensiversary or whatever. Kurt: Unique might want to spend our first night reunited in New York City together, but I’ll ask her. We might have to put off celebrating just us, but you could certainly join whatever shenanigans Unique and I put together.

Blaine: Fantastic! It would be my pleasure. Blaine: I am taking that as a rain check though.

Kurt: Absolutely. Kurt: By the way, I’ve enjoyed the last six months too.