#trackshittaz

woki mit deim popo and ik ben verliefd: don’t worry we got you.

402. Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice” Iceland 2018

[2018 review here]

This is a fucking garbage song, don’t walk away and play pretend: It might as well be *us* who're suffering RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although I’m not 100%, I would posit that “Our choice” is possibly... the worst written song on this list. Definitely bottom 5. Most of these painfully awful lines don’t even make sense on their own-

Why can’t we treat each other well?

In every single language there’s a word for “love” and for “blame” 

Inside we’re all the same

Together we could easy the pain

If somehow we could ease the pain

-much less when cobbled together into a flawed narrative by a person who has apparently lost *all* hope in humanity. I am all in favour of good mental healthcare but whoever it was that advised Þórunn Erna Clausen to write off her apparently nonstop mourning through song, should crank the therapy up to eleven. STAY STRONG GIRL!!! 

401. Trackshittaz - “Woki mit deim Popo” Austria 2012

Even in 2012 this textbook display of female objectification (featuring: poledancing, twerking in its larval form and blacklight accentuated ladybits) was fucking socially regressive and uncomfortable to sit through; You’ll be pleased to find out that the misogyny has aged really well in the 7 years between then and now. 🙃 Is this supposed to be ‘funny’? because it isn’t.  Also, although this year has Earth Angel/Top 5 human JON JOSEP SNÆBJÖRNSSON in it, the chimp-in-a-suit looking dude was considered ~the most SCORCHING HOT GUY EVERRRR~ by this website... somehow. 😬

Small lol @ this though:

400. Zdob şi Zdub - “So lucky” Moldova 2011

Let’s see, in addition to being a loud, screechy turd of a song, “So lucky” is NOT funny, NOT entertaining and  NOT even remotely clever: ”lolol gnome girl on a unicycle is pretending to play the trumpet to parody the fact that the music isn’t live” HA HA HAH HAA H I CANNOT BREATHE (because I just lost all my fucking will to live.🙃)  

However since it’s stuck in the musical HELLHOLE that is Düsseldorf 2011 (um, spoiler), of course it qualified and finished on the left-handside of the scoreboard. 🙃 *gunshot blast*

399. Axel Hirsoux - “Mother” Belgium 2014

This is the song which inspired this gif:

There you have it. The one good contribution “Mother” made to life. Otherwise, fuck this discomforting display of both musical *and* visual schmaltz. Sending an oversized baby to Eurovision singing about his DEAD MOTHER (or whatever it was, Axel’s diction isn’t very good, lol) is something you’d expect as the plot of a B horror movie, not a Eurovision entrant.

Now, I love Ruslana and it’s so her to imprint her grief for Ukraine onto “Mother” (kickstarting the tradition of Ukraine using other countries as their horcrux), but for some godforsaken reason the first impulse Flanders had to this was “wow Ruslana is overwhelmed with emotion that means we can WIN Eurovision with this!!!!” and not “um Ruslana is fucking batshit crazy and in serious need of a therapist”, resulting in “Mother” soaring to the top of the betting odds, being praised to death by the assembled Belgian press as if it weren’t the worst entry -by far- of Godly ESC Year 2014, only for it to beach / strand / bellyflop in the semifinal as anyone with a modicum of taste would’ve correctly predicted. That said, bonus points to Axel for HATING his song (i mean, journalists were constantly asking him about his dead mother, who was 1) alive 2) not the mother refered to by the song, which was assigned TO Axel by a separate jury of Music Industry Professionals #JustBelgianThings) and also for having generally impeccable Eurovision taste. So while the song is toxic refuse, he sure as hell isn’t all that bad and I sincerely hope his time out here helped his current file-sorting career 🤗