#torquil

Stargazing

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That’s right kids, I’m back with another one. First off, Archer’s Goon is an extremely fantastic book, that you should absolutely read as soon as possible. Secondly, and most amusingly, it is the only other DWJ book to be adapted for screen apart from Howl’s Moving Castle. This was an extremely bonkers choice and the TV miniseries reflects that with how goddamn bonkers it is. Thirdly, there are thirteen covers of this book and apparently none of them were really designed to try to entice a human being to want to read the book.

I’m including the miniseries DVD covers here. for funsies. I’m also gonna translate them (badly. with google translate.) Extra points will be awarded for inclusion of Torquil (the best character in this book, or probably any book) or Awful (the second-best character), as they should.

also, partly to blame for this post is @anders-was-right​ who suggested I do it in the tags of the last DWJ ranking. If enough people want me to, I’ll find every Howl’s Moving Castle cover and rank them by Howl hotness.

1. 七人の魔法使い - Seven Wizards - It works. It’s sturdy.

Miho Satake wins once again! Look, I just feel like she really understands the spirit of DWJ books. Excellent backdrop, curving columns, strange buildings, moon... Points for the enormity of the goon. Points for how disgruntled Quentin looks.

2. Das Geheimnis des Siebten Zauberers - The Secret of the Seventh Wizard - My favourite title! Better than the original title.

This Quentin is all wrong, he’s far too serene- unless! this is Hathaway. It sorta looks like him, the period clothing and background suggest it’s him... Why would you put Hathaway on the cover? I don’t know but I love Hathaway so I’ll make excuses. Mystifying but somewhat enticing. I’d pick this book up.

3.  Same title as above.

This one has a very ‘classic 80s kids Scifi book’ feel- I’m not mad at it. MAJOR points for this being the only cover to have a proper spaceship on it. Both too confusing and too mundane.

4. Ловушка для волшебников - Wizard Trap - Eh. It works.

I truly truly enjoy the magic floating pages and these Russian covers generally sit well with me but the vibe is far too cheerful. Awful looks almost cute, Quentin looks downright merry, Howard... actually, I like this Howard quite a bit. But the goon looks awful. I spy Torquil in the background there, and I wish I could see more of him.

Everything beyond this point is a sin and is getting sent to graphic design jail. You have been warned.

5. And now we come to our first DVD cover! This time it’s called ハワードと七人の魔法使い - Howard and the Seven Wizards - which happens to be slightly factually incorrect, if you think about it.

It appears to feature Torquil not once but TWICE, forgoing multiple other siblings to do so! I approve HEARTILY. The setup works (ish), Awful (if that is her) looks suitably angry, there is a spaceship, albeit a bad one. Also, the goon himself has been entirely forgone in favour of other characters, which I feel indifferent about. 

6. Fuck, this one is so weird. It looks like a manual on how to stand up to your imposing father. I do not enjoy this. I do not understand it. Trapping just Howard and the goon in a doorway to what looks like the afterlife (?) was a truly strange choice. Also, weird typography.

7. Is this really the UK DVD cover?? It really, really looks like a documentary on abusive parenting or something. This is so totally, utterly wrong in every way that I actually sort of don’t know what to say about it. Where on earth is everyone? The only reason it’s scored so well is because I don’t find the image itself actively offensive to the senses.

8. הבריון של ארצ'ר - Archer’s Bully. This is the one with the most literal title translation by FAR. Eh.

I truly dislike this one, starting with the offensive orange and the rather unusual forced perspective thing going on. I’ve been staring at it for too long and it’s freaking me out, I need to move on.

9. Ew! I’ve seen this one around quite a bit. Ew!  a really horrid looking goon. A too-neat Howard. Awful looks okay. This just has stale vibes. No child would ever willingly pick this book up.

10. This is the most popular cover! OH NO! Why the goon, Dillian, and Torquil? What a weird choice. What are they doing, anyway?? What’s the weird little moat? WHY DOES THE GOON LOOK LIKE THAT?

Points for Torquil and points for his jewellery and makeup (many points) but minus points for how weird he looks.

Bonus: also the Danish cover- De Syv Magter - The Seven Powers - A better title than the Seven Wizards. Maybe.

bonus bonus: Also the Swedish cover. same translation. WHY IS THIS THE POPULAR COVER.

bonus bonus bonus: also the cover of the Finnish edition, except this one- Kyylän Kyydissä- means ‘Riding Away’, or maybe ‘On the Ride’??, by far the weirdest title. I don’t know how it relates to the book. If you speak Finnish, please come explain this mystery to me.

11. Oh! My! God! really horrible, utterly unmagical, hideous composition, the goon is too mundane but also too creepy, like your weird neighbour who peers over the wall into your garden while you’re playing with your cat. That tagline is no good. I like nothing about this image.

12. ‘HE WAS BIG, HE WAS UGLY AND HE WAS IN THEIR KITCHEN’?????? that TYPEFACE, where did they even find that typeface! the sickly green background! Poor Fifi looking like that!

13. I own a second copy of this book. It has this cover. I keep it under my bed because I can’t look at it. It doesn’t even get points for Torquil, it looks like a poster for the world’s worst Night at the Museum ripoff. The type is the ugliest it could possibly be. The colours are the ugliest they could’ve chosen. And the worst crime? fuckin’ ‘AS SEEN ON TV’.