#torchwood transcripts

Scott: And what a lovely day, what a lovely script it’s been. James, do you want to talk a little bit about how the idea came to you for this episode?

James: uh cus when we brought back Torchwood, we had one script already written which is by David Llewellyn and the next one obviously had to be Ianto because he’s the one that everyone loves.

Gareth: mhmm. mhmm.

Scott: Yup, quite right.  and Gareth how has it been returning to the role after, six years to the week—we realized today—since you died on screen?

Gareth: It’s, it’s been amazing! I was worried when I- when I first heard I was gonna be doing it, how long it would take me to sort of get back into the skin of the character the- but it, within two lines I w- I was back there. It was like I never left. It was lovely and it’s been a very no- nostalgic experience for me to let him breath once more.

Scott: Um and Lisa as well, what do you make of Zeynep? And the lovely character you've brought to life today which sort of flew right off the page, actually, the moment we got the pair of you into studio!

Lisa: Aw, I've absolutely loved it I think um, as soon as I read it, actually. And the relationship between them both is just brilliant. Just to have two of us in the whole episode has just been really good to, to have that experience. I really enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it.

James: In a lot of the tv episodes Ianto is standing in the background and you, ya know it’s kind of, Captain Jack walks into a room and says something brave and heroic! Eve Myles walks into a room, shoots somebody and it’s full of heart and everything. And then Ianto just gets to walk in and say the really pithy lovely line.

Gareth: And raises his left eyebrow.

everyone laughing

James: Yes! Go on, do that. Do that now on audio please!

Lisa laughing

James: Thank you.

Scott: That has indeed been done. Um but yay! I'm- I mean we were talking a little bit earlier about how visual this uh drama has been.

Gareth: Yeah, uh, uh i was saying ya know I've- I've ha- uh- have-e-each scene has a sort of core emotion and I- I -I- I find myself to get into that emotion uh- a stock facial expression for each, for each scene which has helped me um, its- it- although the people at home can't see it, it’s been a very visual- it’s been a very visual episode for me as far as uh- um my face goes.

Lisa: Yeah, I think definitely. And the expressions with it it- the- I mean you have to do it when you’re sitting there it’s just you’re completely- I saw it all straight away when I first read it. But today, being able to read it out loud, the both of u,s has just been brilliant because I can see it. I’d love to see it actually, I’d love to see it on tv.

Scott: That was always you’re sort of mission, wasn’t it James? To come up with story lines that were the sort of episodes you wish you'd seen on screen in series one and two?

James: Yeah! and it’s just I- isn't great having an episode that’s all about Ianto! And all about what a noble, honest, decent man he is. And then just at the end you realize he’s there going "oh I've just asked somebody really nice to kill herself.   Oh. ssss today's not great actually.”

Gareth: Yeah, but it’s, I mean. What’s lovely is the relationship between Ianto and um, uh Zeynep. um I think what he recognizes in her very early on is the sort of fact she’s got this very sort of rigid job to- to do. She works from a script, and everything has to be just so which he completely connects with cus the-uh that’s the way he sort of deals with himself every day. Wears a rigid suit, he- he makes coffee, ev-ev-everything that- everything is just right. everything’s ordered neatly. I think he mentions that in the script. So, I think he- that- that they’ve got a sort of relationship that he recognizes quite early on and that quite fun sort of playing with that (Lisa: mm, yeah.) y-y-you know he says to her a couple of time "are you off script now?" " oh, you've gone of script!" you know and he- he sort of, he sort of r-recognizes her, her job. So, it’s nice to have s-you know to have two character that are quite similar (Scott: that’s it, you’re both the little people) bon-bon-bonding across, yeah, bonding across the uh, across the airwaves.

Lisa: And it’s a strong bond. At the end you do wonder, and when I first read it thinking do they, do they meet? I wonder what would happen if they did? Ya know and its quite, Its quite romantic, I think, at the end. There’s a- a romantic, a romantic aspect to it that comes at the end- at the end of the piece.

Gareth: Yeah.

Lisa: Which I really like

Scott: There’s a huge affection that really builds throughout the story as well.

Lisa: mm.

James: yeah, but if they ever met up Ianto would set fire to her house.

Lisa: yeah.

James: He would do it for the best of intentions. (Lisa and Gareth laugh) but within half an hour the house would be on fire, the car would be crashed, and one of the children would be in hospital.

Lisa: It’s probably best that he doesn’t get to meet the family, I think.

everyone agreeing

Scott: and, and Gareth how has, obviously it’s almost ten years since you started filming the very first series of Torchwood. It’s never left you, you're back as Ianto all this time on. Did you ever expect, when you started, that it would you know keep coming back yeah?

Gareth: Live on as much as it has? No not at all. I uh it’s- the whole, the whole, the whole thing for me from- from the beginning, has been completely overwhelming. And I didn't expect the character to- to grow into the character that he did. I didn't expect the series to be as popular worldwide as it was. I knew, I always knew, it was a good series but I d- I didn’t expect everything to grow so rapidly and so huge. um I didn’t expect to come back to do radio dramas after Ianto had died in series three. I didn't expect to get as far as season three as far as living goes! (Scott laughs) and- and to come back now this, this long after to- to know that people are still out there, wanting more, wanting to hear more and- and the fact that people are still prepared to- to write for it and make it is- is- is great and it’s you know it’s gonna be a big part of my life um til the day I die I think.

James:(whispered) Hooray!

Scott: Hooray indeed. And uh, what, what have been your favorite moments from today?Whatt have you most enjoyed playing in the script?

Lisa: I think it’s both the comedy between them but also the end because it feels like they really come together and there’s, a r- yeah I enjoy the end where you really, the gentleness in those scenes and those intimate scenes where they come together is really, that was really lovely, I enjoyed that.

Gareth: yeah, um I-I sort of happened with us realizing it, that we were sort of playing, I noticed with Zeynep as well she's got some great ianto-esque lines when sh- you know quite dry and quite uh- uh ironic, sardonic. um and then you know sort of them having the sort of  dry- dry wit duel, in a lot of the scenes and then at the end sort of, sort of realizing they’ve actually forged this sort of underly- th- th- the two sensitive aspects of the characters have sort of bonded and underneath all that sort of um play, through- throughout the first um firs l- it was a nice- it was nice.

(metal rattling continues in the background, a warning alarm beeps steadily, Ianto is breathing heavily)

Ianto: Oh, my leg. Blood everywhere. Oh, please someone!

Computer: Flight path deviation warning.

(phone rings) (phone beeps three times as Ianto picks up)

Ianto: Jack!

Zeynep: Is that Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Yes!

Zeynep: Mr. Ianto Jones?

Ianto: Yes! Oh, Thank God! Thank God!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, if I may call you that?

Ianto: Sure!

Zeynep: If I can have a moment of your time, have you recently experienced an accident at work?

Ianto: What?

Zeynep: My name's Zeynep. Can I interest you in our accident insurance policy?

Ianto: (Laughing in disbelief)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: (finishes laughing) Look, actually, I'm bleeding to death on a spaceship falling out of the sky.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: You heard me! Listen! Hear that? That's the sound of Ephraim Salt's SkyPuncher ship crashing.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones.

Ianto: Google it, first private space flight. Breaking news! Not going well!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: (exasperated) Is that all you can say?

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, I must apologize if I have phoned at an inconvenient moment. (Ianto laughs again) If you wish one of our operatives can phone you on another day.

Ianto: (with mock pleasantness) Oh sure! I'll have plenty of time tomorrow!

Zeynep: Very good then. I'll update our records. Thank you for your time.

Ianto: Oh (sighs) (desperately, almost whimpering) please?

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: I know how it sounds but I'm not hoaxing.

Zeynep: Of course not. However, I can sense that I have called at an inconvenient moment and will be terminating this cal-

Ianto: ALRIGHT! alright.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: I am interested in your accident insurance policy.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: I would like to buy some accident insurance, IF you'll stay on the line.

Zeynep: A very good choice, Mr. Jones. would you like our domestic or worldwide policy?

Ianto: Worldwide.

Zeynep: Very good. This policy is for accidental injury in the workplace.

Ianto: Yes! Yes, yes, fine.

Zeynep: If I may? I must just finish. This policy does not cover time off work caused by a disease, process, or long-standing medical condition. (Ianto: uh huh, yep.)  But we do also offer optional compensation for income loss through-

Ianto: Yep, t-t-t-tick the box! Sure! (in pain) ahhhh!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Nothing! It's, nothing, carry on.

Zeynep: Do you have any pre-existing conditions?

Ianto: Ahh, my leg's bleeding everywhere.

Zeynep: I'm afraid we can't cover you for that.

Ianto: Pity.

Zeynep: I am sorry, could I have an email address?

Ianto: Um [email protected]

Zeynep: Y for yeti-

Ianto: I! A! N! T! O! @!

Zeynep: Thank you! Now, how will you be paying today?

Ianto: uh-

Zeynep: By credit or debit card?

Ianto: Uh h-hold on. (Ianto rummaging around) Credit!

Zeynep: There's a three pound surcharge.

Ianto: Don't care!

Zeynep: And the name on the card?

Ianto: Mr. I Jones

Zeynep: Can I trouble you for the long number?

Ianto: Ugh, 7674984333333021

Zeynep: So, I've a card, ends in 2031

Ianto: No! 3021!

Zeynep: Of course, Mr. Jones. I apologize, 3021.

Ianto: Yes! guh, yes! (under his breath) Oh, god.

Zeynep: And now, Mr. Jones, may I have the expiry date?

Ianto: You're kidding. 05/10

Zeynep: That seems to have gone through!

Ianto: Oh lovely!

Zeynep: Congratulations Mr. Jones! You are fully insured. The policy documents are being emailed to you now. You have 48 hours to cancel. Have a safe day at work!

Ianto: (with mock pleasantness) I'll be sure to! heh (large explosion) Ah!

Zeynep: Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Stop this thing crashing?

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Look, all calls are recorded for training purposes, yes?

Zeynep: Yes.

Ianto: I'm telling the truth. I really am on Ephraim Salt's SkyPuncher. Something has gone wrong and the one person who can help me is you!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones I-

Ianto: If you don't and this recording surfaces you are going to become world famous for all the wrong reasons. Now, there's every chance that it won't, but guess what, this is life and these things have a habit of popping up.

Zeynep: I just sell insurance!

Ianto: Oh, today you're gonna do a lot more than that! Okay, I need you to google the plans of the SkyPuncher. anything you've got.

Zeynep: I can't do that.

Ianto: oh, you can!

Zeynep: I cannot Mr. Jones. I'm afraid our desktops are locked.

Ianto: Right! (typing) not anymore, I've sent you a very special code from my phone to your headset.

(headset chimes)

Zeynep: OH! What is this? What have you done to my computer?

Ianto: Good, isn't it? Perhaps you're starting to believe me. Your computer is now one of the most powerful information indexing machines on the planet.

Zeynep: Who are you?

Ianto: Mr. Jones.

Zeynep: but- but uh-

Ianto: Oooh someone's gone off script! Together we're gonna find out how to get the ship down.

Zeynep: Can't you do that yourself?

Ianto: My phone's good, but not that good.

Zeynep: Should you even have your phone on a plane?

Ianto: Least of my problems! Please! (small explosion) ugh Dammit!

Zeynep: I am sorry Mr. Jones; I'm going to have to terminate this call.

computer: Please correct angle of descent. re-engage autopilot.

Ianto: I DON'T KNOW HOW! Look, it's fine, goodbye.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, cockpit, big green button.

Ianto: What?

Zeynep: big green button! press it now.

(button presses and buzzes)

computer: Auto pilot engaged.

(warning alarm stops)

Ianto: Oh! How did you know that?

Zeynep: I play a lot of flight simulators. Figured it was worth a shot.

Ianto: Oh, we're climbing, amazing! Thank you.

Zeynep: I'm glad to have helped you today Mr. Jones. Is there anything further I can assist you with?

Ianto: I'm still gonna need you to google everything you can about this ship.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones are you sure there is no one else I can connect you to?

Ianto Oh no, I've got you on my side now. Haven't I?

Zeynep: Can I ask what you are doing on the ship?

Ianto: Uh, feeling very scared? (in pain) Ahhh!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Sorry it's, (sighs) my leg.

Zeynep: Is it bleeding very badly?

Ianto: Yes.

Zeynep: I'm afraid it's our policy to transfer such calls to the emergency services.

Ianto: NO!

Zeynep: They may be able to-

Ianto: No, you can't do that! Please! Trust me it's- not- it-it- it's complicated. Listen, my leg, it's fine.

Zeynep: is it?

Ianto: Yep! Barely a scratch!

Zeynep: By which I mean you have of course staunched the bleeding with a tourniquet?

Ianto: Uhhhhhm- yes?

Zeynep: By using something to hand? Such as a bandage or a tea towel.

Ianto: A tea towel in space? Uh- loo- i've uh- I've got my necktie I could use that.

Zeynep: That will work.

Ianto: Okay.

Zeynep: I'm sure you've tied it very tight

Ianto: (high pitched, pained moan) (still high pitched)...Yes.

Zeynep: Tighter than that.

Ianto: (very high pitched) Yup.

Zeynep: Good. then I will not be needing to transfer this call (Ianto: No.) to the people who are undoubtedly best qualified to deal with your situation.

Ianto: it's...complicated

Zeynep: As I can see from google.

(pause)

(Ianto sighs)

Zeynep: There's no Mr. Jones listed on the passengers in the news report.

Ianto: Uh- um I'm not a passenger I'm the uh-......butler.

Zeynep: The air steward?

Ianto: Mmmm prefer sky butler.

Zeynep: I see.

Ianto: Listen, first private space flight, lots of celebrity passengers. Ephraim Salt himself. It was always going to be a high-profile event. I had to be on board to make sure nothing happened, nothing went wrong.

Zeynep: And how is that going Mr. Jones?

Ianto: I think everyone else is dead and something's wrong with the ship.

Zeynep: I see.

(pause)

Ianto: (deep sigh) We're climbing again. Any luck finding the SkyPuncher manual?

Zeynep: Still working on that. This software is incredible. You should sell it.

Ianto: I'll bear that in mind.

Zeynep: Please allow me to reassure you, Mr. Jones, that this information is being used with complete confidentiality, and I definitely haven't looked up a girl I went to school with.

Ianto: No.

Zeynep: She's so fat! And has maxed out four credit cards!

Ianto: (chuckles) Perhaps you should sell her some insurance.

Zeynep: I will bear that in mind Mr. Jones.

(Ianto takes a deep breath then grunts as something shifts and falls to the floor)

Ianto: Just getting the pilot out of his chair. (in pain) Ahh! May as well enjoy the view in comfort. (in pain) Uhh!

(more shifting noises, a small metallic jingle)

Ianto: There!

Zeynep: And how is the view?

Ianto: Magnificent. We're at the edge of the atmosphere. Long way up. My friend Gwen says that flying is two moments of terror and hours of boredom. (chuckles) Right now it's just terror.

Zeynep: Your friend Gwen?

Ianto: Colleague.

Zeynep: Both sky butlers?

Ianto: Not exactly.

Zeynep: Thought not. What are you? Are you a spy?

Ianto: (non-commital hum)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, may I ask, what is your current occupation?

Ianto: Rather not say.

Zeynep: I see.

Ianto: The view…is really amazing! It's getting quite...floaty. Not 2001 but, listen (pause) (small thud) I just dropped my pen and it, sauntered.

Zeynep: I do like that word.

Ianto: Well, your english is very good for a- uh- um- I mean- oh god look sorry, I just assumed, call centers are always abroad so...

Zeynep: I'm in Glasgow.

Ianto: right. sorry.

Zeynep: Kidding, I'm in Izmir.

Ianto: Which is?

Zeynep: (sighs) Look down. Turkey. We're on the left. Hello!

Ianto: Oooh by the beach!

Zeynep: (scoffs good-naturedly) No. We have a river that's so poisonous you don't hang your washing out when the wind changes. My office is on the edge of the city and has a lovely view of an illegal sand quarry where people come to crash cars.

Ianto: Niiice.

Zeynep: I'll send you a postcard.

Ianto: Still think my view is better.

Zeynep: And Mr. Jones, what is the purpose of your journey today?

Ianto: Because (pause) b-because no one believed me when I told them Ephraim Salt was in danger. Wanted to save him. (pause) Tried my best. Guess you could call it my (pause) sense of duty.

Zeynep: You are definitely a spy. Aren't you Mr. Jones?

Ianto: w- uh- yes. (deepens voice slightly) I'm a spy.

Zeynep: Oooh tell me more.

Ianto: (still in a deeper voice) I would but it's (pause) complicated.

Zeynep: Have you a license to kill?

Ianto: (back to normal voice) You teasing?

Zeynep: I spend all day being sworn at by complete strangers. Now it's my turn! Anyway, we love spies here. do you know what the Turkish is for briefcase?

Ianto: Surprise me.

Zeynep: James Bond sandbag.

Ianto: That's uh-

Zeynep: I know! How's space?

Ianto: Quite close now, the sky's really curved. We're heading toward the curviest bit of the curve and everything looks odd. Half the view is broad daylight and above that it's nighttime. There's a sort of rainbow between the two. (low thud) WOAH! (something slides) (low thud)

Zeynep: Are you alright Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Yup! Bit of turbulence, but at this height that's tricky. (deep breath) We're leaving the atmosphere. So gradual. But it's amazing! I feel cold. Must be cold outside. How's the computer? Might need those tech specs soon.

Zeynep: So you can turn around? The computer's still working on that.

Ianto: In theory we're gonna do a vanity loop around Ephraim Salt's newest satellite and then head back down. Can't believe we're gonna do all that on autopilot.

Zeynep: And how are you at flying a plane?

Ianto: Not great.

Zeynep: James Bond wouldn't say that.

Ianto: Look, I am so not James Bond I- uh, being a spy it's uh- it's um. My life is mostly very dull.

Zeynep: You're on a spaceship that's being attacked by terrorists.

Ianto: Well, yes, possibly. Could be an accident.

Zeynep: An accident you predicted? Mr. Jones. I sell insurance for a living. We'd call that fishy.

Ianto: right. Can I have a moment?

Zeynep: sure.

Ianto: (sighs) Space is very (pause) woooo..... Right, I'm gonna check on the other passengers. Make sure they're all strapped in. Don't want a cabin full of floating corpses.

(metal clinks) (shifting noises)

Ianto: (in pain) Ahh! Right. (grunts) This is like, swimming. Little bit uh, wow! (chuckles) Everyone's strapped in. They look (pause) peaceful.

Zeynep: I thought you said they were dead?

Ianto: Think so. (pause) All a bit of a blur. My leg was (pause) right. Currently I'm a feeling up a Big Brother winner.

Zeynep: That's not a usual situation.

Ianto: Isn't it? heh (metal clinking) No pulse I can detect. Was, so sudden. There was a bang and they-

Zeynep: Mr. Jones? I'm losing you.

Ianto: Well, we're as close as you can get to the communications satellites. Signal should be peachy.

Zeynep: Yeah, there's whole world between my living room and my balcony. Try getting a signal out there. Not a chance.

Ianto: We're really getting close the satellite. Autopilot's showing off. Loop round and then back down. That's where I'm really gonna need your help.

Zeynep: Computer says it's at 73%. Whatever that means.

Ianto: Annoying.

Zeynep: Isn't it Mr. Jones.

(thrusters firing in the background)

Ianto: We're about to turn around.

(warning begins to blare)

Computer: Proximity alert. Proximity alert.

Ianto: No. NO!

(collision, metal scraping)

(lots of warning and alerts going off)

Ianto: AHHH! AHH! ugh. uh- oh GAHH! uhhh GURH!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: uhhhhh

Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Can you hear me Mr. Jones? are you alright?

Ianto: Not really no. Small fire and um, stuff.

Zeynep: What's happened?

Ianto: Smashed into the satellite. Just swerved, thought that would be it but, Hey-hey! Still here!

Zeynep: You destroyed the communications satellite?

Ianto: I didn't! The ship just- wait.

Zeynep: What?

Ianto: The autopilot's off. (switch flipping) Really need those plans now!

Zeynep: They're still downloading.

Ianto: You don't understand I need to know how to turn this ship around, otherwise we're just gonna head off into space.

Zeynep: It's nearly there, can you just-

Ianto: No! I can't! if I go much further I'll be out of telephone range.

Zeynep: Right. I'm on it. I'm-

(hold music)

Recorded voice: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. (pause) Have you considered the benefits of changing your contents insurance (Ianto: (softly) no!) provider?

Ianto: No. No. No. NO NO NO NO!

(hold music stops)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Are you still there?

Ianto: YES! Thank you! Oh, you're very faint, can you speak up?

Zeynep: Listen to me, this call has gone over the service standard time limit after a purchase the system has flagged this out.

Ianto: But surely if you- y-

Zeynep: I don't want the computer to notify my manager.

Ianto: Oh no, no of course not you're only saving my life!

Zeynep: Mr. Jones.

Ianto: W-what've you got?

Zeynep: I'm sorry?

Ianto: Sell me something.

Zeynep: Uhh pet insurance?

Ianto: Myfanwy!

Zeynep: How do you spell that?

Ianto: M! Y! F! A! N! W! Y!

Zeynep: M for mother, Y for yeti, F for Freddy, A for apple, N for no, W for weather, Y for yeti.

Ianto: Very good!

Zeynep: And is that a boy or a girl?

Ianto: you're on script again, aren't you?

Zeynep: Of course, sir! This will only take a moment.

Ianto: Girl, I- uh, think.

Zeynep: Dog, cat, bird, rabbit or other?

Ianto: Bird. Yeah, bird!

Zeynep: What sort of bird?

Ianto: Exotic!

Zeynep: any pre-existing medical conditions?

Ianto: nope!

Zeynep: age?

Ianto: ah-uh-

Zeynep: I'm sorry I didn't hear that Mr. Jones

Ianto: Doesn't matter, 3!

(metal scraping noises)

Zeynep: And are you happy for me to use the existing payment details and contact information for Myfanwy?

(small explosion)

Ianto: AH! Yes! I am!

Zeynep: Then I am pleased to tell you, that Myfanwy is now insured.

Ianto: Hooray!

(metallic objects sliding and crashing together)

Zeynep: Anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Yes. Help me turn this thing around?

Zeynep: Yes. You need to engage the left thruster gently to turn her back to earth.

Ianto: And how do I do that?

Zeynep: In front of you is a display pad with a (pause) it looks a bit like a steering wheel.

Ianto: Yes, but the steering wheel is locked

Zeynep: Well, good. That's only for use in glide mode.

Ianto: what's-?

Zeynep: Not important right now. I've only read so much of the manual. (to herself) How did this computer find this? Anyway, under the steering wheel, two flippy switches. like, eh- pinball nudgers.

Ianto: Pinball nudgers? w-? Ah! Got 'em!

(metal shifting)

Zeynep: Flip the right one and flip it only 'til the craft is vectored just above the apogee.

Ianto: Apogee....?

Zeynep: (sighs) 'Til the nose is still just poking into the stars and not the sky.

Ianto: right. the right flipper?

Zeynep: yes. careful, they're more like hairdryers than engines.

Ianto: Okay. Done. (switch flicking) Now?

Zeynep: We're relying on momentum to push you back onto the atmosphere.

Ianto: It's working! Slowly.

(Torchwood variation begins quietly in the background)

Zeynep: Slowly is good.

Ianto: How will I know when I hit re-entry?

Zeynep: It'll get bumpy. and warm.

(low thud) (warning sirens begin)

Ianto: OoooOoOooOoOOOoOoH! It got bumpy! (low thud) Uh-wasn't this bad coming up!

Zeynep: Then your angle of flight would be programmed by experts. I sell insurance and you pour drinks.

Ianto: And spy. (small explosion) Woah! (hull creaking) (warning sirens stop) Uhhh.

Zeynep: You should now be entering controlled descent.

Ianto: Falling slowly.

Zeynep: If we get it right. Now, how much of the control desk is lit up?

Ianto: Uh all of it. Most of it. I think. (in pain) Ah!

Zeynep: Apparently, we're looking for a panel that reads uh- glider wing deployment. Three down two across.

Ianto: Can't see it.

Zeynep: From the left.

Ianto: Uh.... (hisses) Got it!

Zeynep: There should be a red light and a graphic. Looks a bit like uh- you seen Star Wars?

Ianto: Of course I have.

Zeynep: An x-wing. When it goes green that's time to unfold the wings. They'll slow you down. Then the steering will unlock, and you'll enter glide mode. See the pips underneath.

Ianto: uh.....

Zeynep: The dots! Right? Dots? Some red ones, some green ones.

Ianto: Yes. Yes.

Zeynep: When you are uh- oh, hold on please Mr. Jones.

Ianto: Wha- hello? W- uh- the red ones are switching off. (pause) What does that mean? There's seven green ones, now six, now five.

Zeynep: I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Jones, I left the page on the printer.

Ianto: You printed out a spaceship flight manual?

Zeynep: Are there two green lights?

Ianto: Three!

Zeynep: Good. When there are two, engage the wings.

Ianto: Now?

Zeynep: Now!

(switch flips twice) (alarm starts blaring)

Ianto: It hasn't worked. It hasn't worked!

Zeynep: What? Try it again!

Ianto: Really?

Zeynep: Sorry, eh give me a second please.

(metal shifting)

Ianto: Woah!

Zeynep: Okay, you can try it again. (switch flips) Anything? (switch flips again)

Ianto: No!

Zeynep: Maybe you're doing it wrong.

Ianto: I'm not doing it wrong!

Zeynep: Little toggle, engage.

Ianto: Yup!

Zeynep: Is there a button labelled diagnostic? I mean there is, but can you see it?

Ianto: Yes. and yes!

Zeynep: Press it

(button clicks and buzzes)

(silence)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Is there anything more I can help you with Mr. Jones? You do know that after ten seconds of silence I must terminate this call don't you Mr. Jones?

Ianto: The whole panel's gone blank.

Zeynep: Oh.

Ianto: Thanks, thanks for that.

(buzzing and beeping)

Ianto: OH NO! It says there's not enough pressure in the system for the wings to deploy!

Zeynep: Meaning?

Ianto: That's it! You may as well try steering a brick! Thanks for trying you're welcome to hang up now, unless you like listening to a whole lot of screaming.

Zeynep: I'm sorry Mr. Jones.

Ianto: It's fine I'll hang up myself. Just, when a handsome man comes to your desk, and he will, (Zeynep: wait!) tell Jack I'm sorr- what?

Zeynep: You said there wasn't enough pressure in the system. You made it sound like the brakes on my car.

Ianto: Weeelll, pretty much. I mean I'm no expert. Some kind of hydraulic system? What are you suggesting? That I pull up the flooring and yank the cables?

Zeynep: Can you do that?

Ianto: Yeah! This is hardly a 747. (metal creaking) Yup. There we go. All labelled. But there's no point. It's not that simple, is it? (mockingly) Oh, there's even a widget, like when you blow up your bike tire!

Zeynep: A valve.

Ianto: (mockingly) A valve yeah! I could puff! (chuckles)

Zeynep: You don't need to! Is there a fire extinguisher on board?

Ianto: You're kidding. (pause) You're not, are you?

Zeynep: Just a thought. If there's not enough pressure in the system?

(shifting) (small clank)

Ianto: The nozzle's not a great fit but it'll have to do.

(fire extinguisher sprays into the valve a few times)

(alert goes off twice followed by a small jingle and a high-pitched tone)

Ianto: I don't believe it! How'd you know that?

Zeynep: Unreliable family car. Also, I'm a fire warden.

Ianto: Oh, It's amazing! I'm back in the cabin and the flight deck's lit up like a Christmas tree. Oh, I could kiss you!

Zeynep: Flirtation's not allowed Mr. Jones.

Ianto: They monitor that?

Zeynep: And heavy breathing, so you need to watch that.

Ianto: I'll try to make my panic less...sexfesty.

Zeynep: Please do.

(switch flicks twice) (hydraulics whir)

Computer: Wings extended. Entering glide mode.

Ianto: WOOHOO! We've actually done it!

Zeynep: I am pleased! Do I need to find out how to teach you to fly the ship?

Ianto: Well, the steering wheel thingy is unlocked.

Zeynep: Steering column.

Ianto: Steering wheel. Now, if you could skip few pages ahead to the section marked "landing"

Zeynep: Of course. (pages turning) Why are you doing this?

Ianto: Trying not to die?

Zeynep: Trying to save people you don't even know.

Ianto: Uh- as I said sense of duty.

Zeynep: Right.

(pause)

Ianto: Look, i- in my line of work it's the kind of judgement call you have to make.

Zeynep: Is that so?

Ianto: Do the best I can. (three electronic beeps) Ah, shit.

Zeynep: Now what?

Ianto: My phone battery is on 10%.

Zeynep: (exasperated) Oh, Allah, Allah!

Ianto: Ridiculous isn't it. Oh, my life!

Zeynep: Have you got a charger on you?

Ianto: Bless you for that.

Zeynep: Thought not.

Ianto: It might be fine. It might last?

Zeynep: When does a phone battery ever do that?

Ianto: Yooooou're right. There's a usb port on the flight deck but no charging cable.

Zeynep: I have a suggestion.

Ianto: Okay?

Zeynep: You're not going to like it.

Ianto: Right.

Zeynep: Search the others on board.

Ianto: Eough (shifting) Okay, alright, fine.

Computer: Automatic flight control engaged.

Ianto: I'm going out on deck. Let's do this. (footsteps) (in pain) Ah! Ahh! (hisses in pain) Right. (hisses) Oh! So, this is weird. A lot of rich people. Do I search the boyband?

Zeynep: Oh! Which one?

Ianto: Star 7?

Zeynep: My daughter loves them! Can you take a picture?

Ianto: Of a dead boy band?

Zeynep: Fair point. Just one?

Ianto: No. (pause) Ephraim Salt. (pause) I'm going through the pockets of a dead billionaire philanthropist. Bound to have a phone charger. Oh? (pause) OH.

Zeynep: What?

Ianto: He's not dead.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: He has a really slow pulse. I just assumed I was the only one- if I can bring him round- (two slaps) Mr. Salt? Ephraim? (pause) Nothing. His eyes aren't responsive either. I don't understand.

Zeynep: You didn't say what happened to them all.

Ianto: They were all talking away! S-something happened to the ship, they started screaming! Something cut my leg, it's not clear. I just- I just assumed- I- I checked the pulses! I did!

(dramatic music starts while aggressive grunting, growling, and yelling begins)

Ianto: AH! Get away!

(grunting, growling, and yelling continues in the background)

Zeynep: What? What's happening? Mr. Jones?

Ianto: Stay back! Stay back, stay back! Stay away from me! AH! AHHHH!

(scuffling) (growling and yelling becomes muffled)

Ianto: Whooo! Oh, I'm in the hold. Not very big, but it doesn't have a zombie in it.

Zeynep: A zombie! Really?

Ianto: Ephraim Salt. Utter screaming madman. So, got his phone charger.

Zeynep: Good, but what?

Ianto: I don't know! I don't understand! He was just thrashing and screaming, and it was horrible! (sighs) I gotta get back past him to the cockpit to charge my phone

Zeynep: (laughing)

Ianto: Oh sorry, is that funny?

Zeynep: I could never be a spy Mr. Jones

Ianto: No? Well, zombies on a plane? Nothing. I've been out in Swansea on a Saturday. Right. uh, (exhales) Tiny hold. No room for anything but Ephraim Salt's luggage. What would you pack for the stars? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that his suitcase is very, very expensive. Black box! The world's toughest suitcase. One dan brown, pair of socks, breath mints, and hey! I have two phone chargers! Whoop de doo! (stretching or zipping noise) There. Oh! Just so you know, I've just tied a suitcase to myself with elastic straps for protection. Wish I could send you a picture but that would be the last of my battery. Trust me though, I look sexy.

Zeynep: my knight in armor.

Ianto: Quite. (deep breath) Right. Let's get back out there.

Zeynep: Rather you than me.

Ianto: Always.

(door opens) (growling and yelling volume increases)

Ianto: There, Mr. salt, please listen to me. I mean you no harm. OW! Ah!

Zeynep: Come on Mr. Jones, you can do it!

Computer (muffled): Glide control disengaged. Glide control disengaged.

Ianto: No! autopilot's off!

Zeynep: Turn it back on!

Ianto: Still gotta get past Mr. salt and (strangled cry) This is a really bad day! AH! Mr. Salt, Mr. Salt listen to me. Please calm down! I know you don't want to attack me please!

Zeynep: What's happened to him?

Ianto: Not NOW! No, not- hang on Mr. salt. no. (heavy thud) (growling stops) (metal clanking) Ah! Oh God.

Zeynep: What have you done?

Ianto: Uh...knocked him out with a steel briefcase.

Zeynep: That's good right?

Ianto: Uh yeah, not sure I just knocked him out though.

Zeynep: Oh.

Ianto: Yeah, I- I know we've got more important things on but- I'm just gonna check on him.

Zeynep: What about the plane?

Ianto: May have just killed someone, don't do that every day. So, please just let me- (takes a breath) still a pulse.

Zeynep: Do you think the others are alive?

iato: I'm just hoping they don't wake up. Don't fancy being torn apart by a boy band.

Zeynep: My daughter-

Ianto: Oh, don't- you start.

Ephraim: (yelling)

Ianto: Ahhhh! Ah!

Ephraim: (breathing heavily) They- tried to kill me. You! Tried to kill me!

Ianto: No! I didn't, Mr. Salt!

Ephraim:(still breathing heavily) Burning. Rage. What happened to me? Can't think. They want it. They mustn't have it. (pause) Now go! (yelling) I can't! Can't!

Ianto: (in pain) Ah! AAHHHHHH! Ahh. BIT ME! ON MY LEG!

Zeynep: Get out of there!

Ianto: (in pain) Ah!

(footsteps) (door closing) (muffled growling and yelling in the background)

Ianto: (exhales heavily) I'm in. (in pain) Ah! Thank god, I'm in.

Zeynep: But how are you going to keep him out?

Ianto: There's a- a cockpit door, not a proper security one. Not at all! Reminds me of a caravan holiday in Barry Island. What I'm saying is, it's not gonna work for long. Right then. You sill there?

Zeynep: always.

Ianto: So, (phone warbles) phone on charge. Next. (switches clicking)

(failure beep)

Computer: Unable to re-engage glide control.

Ianto: Autopilot's not working. So, I'm, I'm on a space ship with a raging madman, it's crashing, and I now need to learn how to fly it.

Zeynep: Tough day.

Ianto: Regretting selling me insurance?

Zeynep: We have a help line for filling in the forms. They're going to love you.

Ianto: (with laboured breathing) Well don't transfer me. (breath) Not just yet, eh? (breath) I'm starting to enjoy our conversation.

Zeynep: Me too.

Ianto: (slurring slightly) First priority is to learn how to fly this thing right? (hisses in pain) Ah! First, (a few breaths) uh, just a little sit down. (metal clinking) Not feeling too clever. (exhales "oh")

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, (Ianto hisses in pain) is there anything I can help you with?

Ianto: Sorry, (pained breath) bit of heavy breathing there. My leg he, he bit my wound! It's uh, bleeding again. Fine anyway I- think- (pause) actually feeling pretty bad! (chuckles) Wonder if whatever got to the passengers is affecting me too. So tired.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones.

Ianto: Tired.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones!

Ianto: Sleep, j- just for a second-

Zeynep: Mr. Jones!

(crashing noise)

Computer: Glide alert failure. Velocity increasing.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones!

Ianto: Woo.

Zeynep: (echoing from a distance) Mr. Jones. Wake up! Mr. Jones!

Ianto: (softly) I'm dead. (louder) Mr. Jones is dead.

Zeynep: (still echoey and distant) Come on Mr. Jones, come on! You can do it!

Ianto: (softly, resigned) You're talking to a dead man. (sighs) Give up.

Zeynep: (still distant) Mister! Jones! (louder and clear) IANTO!

Ianto: Yes! Maybe it's an airborne toxin. Some kind of virus?

Zeynep: Or maybe, just maybe, you've lost a lot of blood. My eldest fell off her bike and refused to tell me because she wanted to finish her maths homework. (Ianto: huh.) Found her bleeding all over her algebra. Kids. Anyway, I would like you to look at your leg.

Ianto: My what?

Zeynep: The tourniquet on your leg.

Ianto: (non-committal hum)

Zeynep: Come on! it's bleeding, isn't it?

Ianto: (softly) Yeah.

Zeynep: Oh, I'm so glad you're out of it cuz this is going to hurt.

Ianto: What is?

Zeynep: You've still got those elasticated ropes? From the suitcase?

(Ianto shifting)

Zeynep: Take one. Bind it round your leg.

(elastic stretching)

Ianto: Ooh, squeezy.

Zeynep: That's right. Now wrap it again. And again. There we go. Lovely and tight. And then fasten it to itself.

Ianto: Yup.

Zeynep: And let go.

(elastic snaps) (Ianto yelps)

Zeynep: The pressure on the wound will stop the bleeding. The pain will wake you up. Now, is there a first aid kit?

Ianto: (high pitched) Yup. out- out in the passenger deck.

Zeynep: Oh, let's forget painkillers.

Ianto: (high pitched and in pain) Oh yes, lets!

Zeynep: Okay, Mr. Salt or crashing?

Ianto: Well, we've not crashed yet. He does sound pretty mad.

Zeynep: Okay, try and bring the ship under control while I work out what to do.

Ianto: I'm pulling us up, woo, bit wobbly. But okay. Wings are holding.  It's basically like a big expensive glider! (laughs) I'm flying a spaceship!

Zeynep: Yes, you are. You get points for that. You'll get even more for landing it.

Ianto: Won't I just.

(Ephraim yelling gets louder)

Ianto: That door's really not holding. (thudding) He's pretty strong!

Zeynep: I've a suggestion.

Ianto: Yeah?

Zeynep: On the control panel, is there one for environmental control? It should be the far left.

Ianto: Uh, yup.

Zeynep: And is it online?

Ianto: Yeah.

Zeynep: Okay, see the settings for the passenger cabin? Raise the temperature as high as it will go. And if you can, lower the cabin pressure and turn off the air supply.

(thud)

Ianto: Wha-?

Zeynep: Found them?

Ianto: Yeah. (controls clicking)

(yelling and thudding)

Zeynep: It should make him drowsy, like being on top of a mountain wrapped in a blanket.

Ianto: That's a curious way of talking about oxygen starvation.

Zeynep: It's him or you. We want you unhindered and him dozing don't we.

(more yelling)

Ianto: Yeah.

Zeynep: Come on, they always turn the heat up in the cabin after takeoff. Keeps the cattle docile.

Ianto: Cattle?

Zeynep: I grew up in a lovely little fishing village. Can't move for now for skyscrapers and tourists who think it's Spain. Actual Spain. They sing Una Paloma Blanca round the pool at night.

Ianto: I'm sorry

Zeynep: Oh, I'm just bitter. Now, my brother? He'd tell you he earns a fortune and has a lot of curvy girlfriends. My brother is an idiot.

(yelling and thudding trail off)

Ianto: He stopped.

Zeynep: Good. Because we can now discount Mr. Salt being...

Ianto: A zombie.

Zeynep: Thanks. Not going to say the word. I'm no expert but, they don't nap, do they? So, what happened to the passengers?

Ianto: I don't know. Uh, like I said they were all chatting away and then- something happened to the ship.  Screaming. My leg hurt.

Zeynep: Are you sure that's the order?

Ianto: yeah! Well, (pause) I mean- (pause) What else, can the order be? were we attacked by an outside force? If it's some kind of virus then? I'm doing the wrong thing. I can't land the ship! Not if there's an alien bacteria on board. I need to-

Zeynep: Okay. It's just-  What were you doing before the crash.

Ianto: I was serving drinks.

Zeynep: Ah. Sky butler.

Ianto: Mhmm. Champagne. Ridiculous conditions to have it in—no flavor at altitude for a start—but rich people do love champagne at height. Lots of champagne and then some coffee.

Zeynep: And you served the drinks?

Ianto: (smugly) Oh yes! Everyone had a coffee. Even the pilots. Which was good as I worked hard  to make it taste just right. Couldn't do anything with the champagne but the coffee? You know the secret is all in the-

Zeynep: You didn't drink any yourself?

Ianto: No, I was busy serving it.

Zeynep: And then?

Ianto: Something happened to the ship and the screaming started. No wait, the screaming started and then- then something happened.

Zeynep: I think it's not a space virus. I think there was a drug in the coffee.

Ianto: Oh.

Zeynep: You know how you got on board to stop something bad happening? You seem to have poisoned everyone

Ianto: Now look here-

Zeynep: I'm not blaming you, just pointing out it's not your lucky day.

Ianto: But- Mr. Salt, could a poison have done that? Turned him into a raging lunatic?

Zeynep: Have you ever read the side effects of sleeping pills?

Ianto: (scoffs)

Zeynep: Just saying. The important point is that you poured the drinks. You're being framed.

Ianto: Listen, what I'm gonna tell you is gonna sound odd.

Zeynep: Says the poisoner on a spaceship.

Ianto: Yeah. The organization I'm working for, we're investigating a conspiracy, a big one. That may sound a little bizarre-

Zeynep: Oh no, we have those here all the time. The minister's niece would like a house building on a public park? She gets a house. Chemical waste kills all the fish in the river? The police are completely unable to find a link to the factory upstream. It's the will of Allah. More or less, we've had conspiracies since the sultans.

Ianto: Oh, good. You're the first person I've told about this who's not narrowed their eyes at me.

Zeynep: You can't see me Mr. Jones, I could be squinting right now.

Ianto: Ephraim Salt, I found out he knew something about The Committee. I came on board so I could find out what he knew.

Zeynep: And did they know that you knew that he knew? Did he know that you knew? Did he know that they knew that you knew that he knew that you knew?

Ianto: And now the mocking. Look, I wanted to get close to Salt to find out what he knew. Oh, god, you've ruined it now!

Zeynep: I get the point Mr. Jones.

Ianto: I heard he was at risk. I needed to protect him.

Zeynep: He gave you something, didn't he?

Ianto: Yeah. Data stick of some kind. I can't play it back here. Still gotta find a way of getting off the ship.

Zeynep: Tricky.

Ianto: Yeah.

Zeynep: I think you may have walked into a flying trap. If Ephraim Salt's first ever space flight crashes, killing everyone on board, no one is going to find out what he had to say.

Ianto: But-

Zeynep: And if the ship lands safely, you're going to be very arrested.

Ianto: Oh.

Zeynep: Oh, goodness me, Mr. Jones. Being a spy is a very complicated business.

Ianto: You're enjoying this aren't you?

Zeynep: Whatever gives you that idea? (chuckles)

Ianto: Listen, there's something I should-

Computer: (beeping) Glide control engaged.

Ianto: Oh.

Zeynep: Is that the autopilot working again?

Ianto: Yyyyes, but I didn't switch it on. And- (switch flipping twice) (sighs) I can't switch it off.

Computer: (beeping) Input override. (beeping) Input override. (beeping) Input override.

Ianto: We're change course. I don't know what's happening.

(low rumble crescendos as the ship becomes less stable)

Zeynep: Oh, Mr. Jones I don't know how to help you!

Ianto: Right. we've gotta bring it under control. Can you hear me? I need your help now!

(hold music)

Ianto: Oh. HELLO!

Recorded voice: Thank you for holding.

Ianto: HEY! HELLO!

Recorded voice: your call is important to us. One of our agents will be with you shortly to present you with a wealth of insurance possibilities, ensuring that, whatever happens, we've got you covered!

Ianto: This! Is! Ridiculous!

Recorded voice: thank you for holding.

(rumbling gets louder)

(hold music stops)

Zeynep: Sorry, about that. Are you still there?

Ianto: Not going anywhere, help me get this thing under control?

Zeynep: uhhh-

Ianto: uh?

Zeynep: My manager came over. He wanted to have a little chat.

Ianto: (mock pleasantly) Oh that's always good!

Zeynep: uh huh. I've been on this call for a very long time and it's been a very long time since the sale went through.

Ianto: And you can hardly tell him the truth.

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, is there anything more I can help you with?

Ianto: Everything. Sell me everything.  My credit's good for it.

Zeynep: But-

Ianto: Just open up the screen, tick all the boxes, and charge me! Twice! I'm gonna get you a bonus!

Zeynep: A very good choice, Mr. Jones.

Ianto: I thought so.

Zeynep: So, to confirm, that's: building insurance, contents insurance, medical insurance, car insurance, conservatory insurance-

Ianto: W- do- the- we- don't have a- Yes! Nevermind! Yup, yup yup, all of that!

Zeynep: And are you happy for me to use the card details we have on file?

(large thud)

Ianto:(screaming) YEEEEES! YEEEES!

Zeynep: That's all gone through Mr. Jones. Congratulations. Please check the policy documents when they turn up in your email. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Ianto: THE SHIP'S GONE INTO NOSEDIVE!

Zeynep: I thought it was gliding?

Ianto: SO DID I!

Zeynep: I've got the files up in front of me. There should be a series of switches underneath glide control.

Ianto: Th- there are, (switches flipping) they don't do anything! (more switches flipping, repeatedly)

Zeynep: I'm not sure you should treat controls on a spaceship like that. Just saying, I mean, you could end up on Mars.

Ianto: That- might be an improvement!

(explosion)

Ianto: (quietly) Oh.

Zeynep: What?

Ianto: Oh, uh two things, we seem to be leveling out and I've managed to get some course data up on the screen.

Zeynep: Really? A course?

Ianto: Yeah. Nothing to do with me. Map of the world! Red line! Me at one end and at the other, zooming in, Oh! Western Turkey!

Zeynep: I'm in western Turkey.

Ianto: Small world.

Zeynep: Should I be worried?

Ianto: It's quite a coincidence. Did you buy any lottery tickets this week?

Zeynep: No?

Ianto: Perhaps you should've.

Zeynep: Do you think there could be some connection?

Ianto: Mmmm no. no. no.

Zeynep: This super google you installed on my pc could that be it?

Ianto: Perhaps you'd better just uninstall that now.

Zeynep: W- how do I do that then?

Ianto: Got an axe?

Zeynep: They don't give those to fire wardens. (typing) I'm looking up any connection between the city of Izmir and your conspiracy. Does it have a name?

Ianto: Erebus.

Zeynep: E for echo, R for Romeo, E for echo, B for Bertie, U for umbrella, S for sugar.

Ianto: Yess.

Zeynep: (computer beeps) No, (sighs) nothing. I'll say one thing about your software, it gets cross when it doesn't find anything.

Ianto: Yes, tetchy.

Zeynep: Funny, trying to think of anything odd. I mean the research firm who leased the top floor haven't been in for a few days. It's almost like they knew something.

Ianto: Right?

Zeynep: Wait. that sounds you levels of crazy. Not that- (Ianto: thanks.) you are crazy.

Ianto: Thanks.

Zeynep: Sorry.

Ianto: Can you think of any other reason why we'd be heading to your neck of the woods?

Zeynep: Well, we have some nice beaches and some good ruins on the coast and oh, yes there's a lovely shop over the road that sells divine baklava.

Ianto: Serious reasons? Military installations? Aerospace engineering firms uh-?

Zeynep: That's unfair, we have lots of military things everywhere. Narrowing them down takes time.

Ianto: What about Istanbul? That's just up from you, isn't it?

Zeynep: Just? Good luck getting there. Traffic's really bad. There's probably already a queue of angry spaceships waiting outside. But I can't think why you'd come here. Smelly old Izmir, factories, quarries, and smog. Oh.

Ianto: what?

Zeynep: No, just enjoy me putting two and two together. Nothing. There's a nice roman theatre maybe you're going there.

Ianto: What are you not telling me?

Zeynep: Honestly, nothing.

Ianto: What?

(pause)

Zeynep: This call center... turns out, it's owned by Ephraim Salt. (pause) (exhale) Saying it out loud. That's a bit of a coincidence.

Ianto: Not really, he owns a lot of things.

Zeynep: Oh, come on, Mr. Jones. It's got to all be connected. That's basic spy stuff. Ephraim salt owns the SkyPuncher, the satellite you destroyed, and a building in the city you're heading towards. You can't ignore that.

Ianto: There's- one other coincidence. You called me.

Zeynep: Oh, blame the computer, I always do. That bit's dull. It's just weird though. I get why someone would try to kill Salt. I even get why they'd destroy his satellite. I just don't get why your ship would be coming here.

Ianto: Don't you?

Zeynep: My mother-in-law would kill me if she heard me say this, but there's really not that much in Izmir.

Ianto: Isn't there?

Zeynep: Oh.

Ianto: Calmly.

Zeynep: Allah, Allah, the building! You're heading for this building! You're going to blow up the building!

Ianto: Quietly.

Zeynep: What?

Ianto: If you could panic quietly please, I don't want you to upset you co-workers.

Zeynep: (angrily) You are kidding!

Ianto: No.

Zeynep: Heavens, Allah!

Ianto: Listen to me. You have children?

Zeynep: Yes!

Ianto: You're out for a walk with them, there's a car crash, what do you do?

Zeynep: I-- I uh- turn them around and walk away talking quietly about something else.

Ianto: Do that now!

Zeynep: Don't tell me how to react! Especially not in that tone of voice! You're flying a bomb at me!

Ianto: Believe me I've done this kind of thing before. I've been in this situation. (pause) Well- look, I need to work a couple of things out and I need your help, okay? Can you give me that?

Zeynep: (shakily) Okay.

Ianto: You're sure?

Zeynep: Absolutely. Just a moment. (chair scrapes on floor)

(pause)

(fire alarm goes off in the background)

Zeynep: (distantly) Fire! Everyone! Fire! (crowd noises) That's right, exit down, everybody out. Listen to me. Fire warden. No, go now! No texts! Fire! Fire! Fire! (chair scraping) (closer again) There.

Ianto: Mm what did you just do?

Zeynep: Got a lot of people to safety.

Ianto: But- they might be...

Zeynep: Suspects? Really?

Ianto: Mmm yeee, forget about it. Just working on a theory.

Zeynep: Listen, how's my tone, am I sounding calm?

Ianto: Yes, actually.

Zeynep: Then pay attention, Mr. Jones. I want you to get in touch with your bosses MI5, the CIA, whatever. This is very serious. I want everyone on this, okay? (buzzing noise) Full spy emergency! Unleash everyone! If a black helicopter isn't hovering overhead in one minute, I'm going to be very disappointed!

Ianto: Ah.

Zeynep: Is there anyone I can call for you Mr. Jones? The Pentagon?

Ianto: Listen, when I said I was a spy.... actually, I really am just.... a butler.

Zeynep: WHAT?

Ianto: I'm not a spy. Not quite, I mean I do work for a secret organization.

Zeynep: Ah?

Ianto: I make the coffee. And do the paperwork.  Neatly.

Zeynep: WHAT?

Ianto: I'm telling you the truth.

(pause)

(fire alarm stops)

Zeynep: Enough of that racket. The building's empty now.

Ianto: Listen, you asked if you could call people, and you can. Phone your government. If we're heading for your city, then I need them to shoot this plane down before we get there. okay?

Zeynep: Of course, but-

Ianto:  I really don't matter. It's got to be done.

Zeynep: And is there a password I can give them?

Ianto: I don't know! It's not the kind of thing I'd know!

Zeynep: So, if you're not a spy, what are you doing on that ship? Why would they send you up there?

Ianto: They didn't! I'm just one of- the little people. My boss has gone missing. He's on the trail of this conspiracy and the others- well, they were- busy.

Zeynep: Being proper spies?

Ianto: Yes! So, I thought, you know, it's my duty!

Zeynep: You were showing off.

Ianto: NO! Yes! I guess. Look, it was the right thing to do. I worked this out by myself, and I wanted- (pause) no- well- I- (pause) I wanted them to like me!

Zeynep: You wanted to impress them by nearly getting killed? Wow. They must be really lovely people.

Ianto: They are! Th- look, they are. Well, I mean- th- (deep breath) The thing is, the thing- is, I've had a tough time winning their trust back. After what happened to Lisa-

Zeynep: Lisa?

Ianto: My girlfriend, she worked for the same firm. She got horribly wounded in the line of duty.

Zeynep: I'm sorry.

Ianto: I tried to help her, but they- killed her.

Zeynep: (in disbelief) Your friends killed her?

Ianto: Put like that it doesn't sssssound- that- but anyway, they- they did the best they could.

Zeynep: They murdered your girlfriend!

Ianto: Not- not, murdered exactly...I-

Zeynep: Mr. Jones, you're an idiot!

Ianto: (chuckles) They-th-

Zeynep: Listen to me! Family, friends, they're always more important. No company is worth dying for!

Ianto: You don't understand th-

Zeynep: I trusted you. Really, I have. You have a nice voice. I actually really do believe you're in a spaceship hurtling towards me. but 'm not sure I'm going to take anymore advice from you. Not just now.

Ianto: Please!

Zeynep: I'm going up to the top floor.

Ianto: Don't put me on hold!

(clicking noise)

Zeynep: Don't worry, bluetooth headset. Long range. Can nip out to the shops. Not that we do. Not when Ryeth's on duty.

Ianto: Why are you going to the top floor?

Zeynep: Because you're not listening to me. I told you! The space is leased to a research company, been here a month. Kept themselves to themselves, don't know the good restaurants to have lunch in. And, as I said. None of them came into work for the last few days.

Ianto: Yeah, but they could be meeting clients or-

Zeynep: I'm finding out for certain. I gave you a lead and you didn't want to follow it up. When a building's in danger, you always want to look at the people who didn't show up that day!

Ianto: You really are sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

Zeynep: Says you!

(pause)

(door hinge squeaking)

Zeynep: Here I am.

Ianto: This isn't gonna accomplish anything. What are they called?

Zeynep: Harkness Industries.

Ianto: I take that back, you've gotta get in there.

Zeynep: See?

Ianto: I do. Get in there.

(high pitched static)

Zeynep: This door is very locked. (panting) (static) Can't- (static)get a purchase- handle

(static continues in background))

Ianto: Hello? I'm losing you. There's a lot of static.

Zeynep: Funny, (unintelligible) the signal- good. There's a funny, computer inside, really odd.

Ianto: Can you step away from the door?

Zeynep: What's that?

Ianto: Step away from the door!

Zeynep: Right. (static fades) Right. There's something in that room. I cant get in.

Ianto: My turn to suggest a fire extinguisher.

Zeynep: Good call.

(pause)

(static increases)

(Zeynep grunts while hitting the door with the fire extinguisher twice)

Zeynep: (grumbles) That door is not giving. For a glass door, that's really strong. I'm just going to run down the corridor and really charge at it.

(footsteps)

(Zeynep grunts and hits the door again)

Zeynep: Ugh! It won't give! nothing! I've achieved nothing!

Ianto: I wouldn't say that, when you ran back and forth my course changed slightly.

Zeynep: What?

Ianto: This ship, it's not homing in on the building... it's homing in on you.

Zeynep: What! How can you even tell?

Ianto: I'm getting very close.

Zeynep: But- but there's no proof!

Ianto: Run up and down the corridor again.

Zeynep: No.

Ianto: BAAAAWK bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk-

Zeynep: FINE! (foosteps in the background)

Zeynep: Got- to the end. And now?

Ianto: You're going the other way.

Zeynep: You're just guessing! You can't know!

Ianto: And now I can tell you're running on the spot to try and trick me.

Zeynep: Ugh!

Ianto: The nose cone twitches just a little, that's all, and the flight path adjusts just, very slightly.

Zeynep: Oh, Allah Allah. You're joking. I know you're not, but I can't think of anything else to say.

Ianto: The SkyPuncher has been homing in on your headset ever since we re-entered the atmosphere.

Zeynep: How?

Ianto: You were right. It was a- a trap, carefully planned to bring down Ephraim Salt's empire. sSbotage the spaceship, people will think he's a fool. Blow up his most expensive satellite, he'll be bankrupt. And, if the ships still going, get it to smash into an office building. People will think he's a corrupt sweatshop owner.

Zeynep: But it's actually quite a nice office.

Ianto: But that's not what the papers will say.

Zeynep: What about me?

Ianto: What about you?

Zeynep: Why me? Why did I phone you?

Ianto: The Committee will have prepared things neatly. Hacked into the computer told it to lock onto the plane, find a signal, dial it. (breath intake) I'm afraid, by keeping me alive-

Zeynep: I've brought the thing right here. Where are you?

Ianto: Not far out of the city. See what you mean about the river (chuckles).

Zeynep: What do I do? wWhat do I do?

Ianto: Well-

Zeynep: I hang up. That's what I do. Of course.

Ianto: No. No!

Zeynep: What? Seriously?

Ianto: If the call terminates then the ship will crash onto the city. listen, just take off the headset.

Zeynep: I- I can't!

Ianto: What?

Zeynep: Take off the headset, it switches off.

Ianto: Why would you do that?

Zeynep: Bathroom breaks.

Ianto: (scoffs disbelieving)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones? What do I do?

(pause)

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

(pause)

Ianto: I'm so very sorry, you'll have to keep talking. There's no way out for either of us.

(hold music)

Ianto: Hello? Hello? HELLO? Don't do this please! Don't do this!

Recorded voice: Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. One of our agents will be with you shortly to present you with a wealth of insurance possibilities, ensuring that, whatever happens, we've got you covered!

Ianto: Please! There's not much time left! (Recorded voice: Thank you for holding.) There really isn't and- I'm scared! I don't wanna be alone.

(hold music stops)

Zeynep: you're asking me to die.

Ianto: Again, I am so sorry. I wish it was just me. Well, I don't.

Zeynep: No. I don't want to die either. (pause) Sorry, talking with my mouth full (sighs) figured there was no point in waiting for my lunch)

Ianto: You go right ahead.

Zeynep: Spiced kofta wrap. My husband made them.

Ianto: Sounds delicious

Zeynep: Too spicy actually, you know what men are like

Ianto: Yup.

(pause)

Zeynep:(crying) I can't believe this is happening. You sure this isn't a hoax?

Ianto: Wish it was.

Zeynep: I don't even live in the city.

Ianto: Sorry

Zeynep: I don't like it much. (sniffs) You're asking me to die for a load of people I don't even know.

Ianto: It's the right thing.

Zeynep: It's my duty. Look where that's got you.

Ianto: (resigned) Yeah.

Zeynep: You're an idiot.

Ianto: So you keep saying.

Zeynep: I could hang up now. Go stand at the bus stop, wave up at you as you smack into the city center.

Ianto: But you're not going to. I know you're not going to.

Zeynep: You don't know anything about me. What's my name?

Ianto: Sorry?

Zeynep: (angrily) What's my name?

Ianto: You- didn't tell me.

Zeynep: I did. You're asking me to die and you don't even know my name!

Ianto: Sorry, I-

Zeynep: ZEYNEP!

Ianto: Pleased to meet you, it's a very pretty name.

Zeynep: (crying again) Not really, now you just being nice. (sniffs) (pause) What's the view like?

Ianto: Flying over the city? There's lots of it.

Zeynep: The mayor would be delighted if you could smack into one of the old bits. Lots of people are dying to turn them into office blocks. (pause) I- shouldn't have said die.

Ianto: No.

Zeynep: I can't even hang up to call my family. My Family! Why did it have to be me? Why not Rachel? She's got no one! And she's a miserable cow and- (sighs) (chewing) Forget it.

Ianto: Zeynep?

Zeynep: Mr. Jones?

Ianto: I am so sorry about this

Zeynep: Stop apologizing, I'm not going to forgive you. It's not your fault.

Ianto: No, (inhale) we're just the little people. (sighs)

Zeynep: Yeah. We never get to make the decisions. You just get backed up against the wall and told to do the right thing. And oddly enough? That's never what we want.

Ianto: Yeah (chuckles)

Zeynep: Still, sat in the boss's chair, dripping chili oil onto his desk looking out at the view. I can see a small dot in the sky, that's you, isn't it?

Ianto: Probably, um, listen-

Zeynep: That's all I will do. Just you and me talking 'til the end. I don't want you to be alone. (dissolving into tears again) I can't think of anything worse than being on a plane about to crash, seeing the ground get closer and closer and there being no way out.

Ianto: Zeynep. (shifting)

Zeynep: yes?

Ianto: listen, I've- (pause) found a parachute and- (pause) the pilot has an ejector seat.

(pause)

Ianto: D'you hear what I said?

Zeynep: Yes. (pause) So that's how it is. (small clatter as Zeynep sets the tupperware aside) I'm not hungry anymore.

Ianto: Zeynep, I'm sorry.

Zeynep: Don't be. One of us has a way out. Look at you. You got to do your duty. Escaping with the vital data stick. So heroic! Those lovely people you work with may even buy you a beer. And me? I'm only the little person after all. I don't even get to say goodbye to my family. Off you go Zeynep! Sacrifice yourself! Inshallah! That's what we say, when we cross the road. We don't look left or right, we just step out into traffic and trust to the will of Allah.

Ianto: I don't know what else to say-

Zeynep: It's not good enough! What am I dying for? SO that some people I've never heard of can make more money?

Ianto: Look, give me their names. The names of your children, your husband, I'll talk to them!

Zeynep: (angrily) NO! I'm not letting you anywhere near them.

(pause)

Ianto: We're over the river. (pause) Looks quite pretty from up here.

Zeynep: Wouldn't get any closer to it if I were you. (sniffs) You've not far to go.

Ianto: Is there a bigger body of water coming up? We could try and land in it or something?

Zeynep: Nope! Concrete and people and then little me. We're just outside town. Wait 'til you pass a really scrappy park and then eject. Otherwise you'll smack into a tower block. Would be a bit ironic.

Ianto: Thanks.

Zeynep: (deep breath) I can see you on the horizon. What big teeth you have.

Ianto: Not long now. look, I just wanna say-

Zeynep: Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones?

Ianto: uh-

Zeynep: Inshallah!

(hold music)

(low rumbling slowly gets louder as the ship gets closer to crashing)

(atmospheric music starts in the background)

Ianto: This is what Torchwood does isn't it Jack? Ruins everyone. Everyone it touches. I don't care. (inhale) not anymore. Zeynep was right. (inhale) Here it comes. Here it comes. Zeynep, I'm sorry. (ejects)

(screaming)

Recorded voice: have you considered the benefits of changing your contents insurance provider? Let us give you a truly memorable-

Ianto: NO NO NO NOOOOOO!

(parachute deploys)

(Ianto gasping)

Zeynep: Thank you for holding.

Ianto: ZEYNEP!

Zeynep: Whatever happens we've got it covered Mr. Jones.

Ianto: W- wha- what are you doing?

Zeynep: Running away! Goodbye!

Ianto: NOO!!!!

(call disconnects)

(ship crashes in the distance)

(atmospheric music fades out)

(wind blowing)

(phone rings)

Ianto: Really? (phone beeps as he picks up)

Zeynep: Hello?

Ianto: Wha-?

Zeynep: Am I speaking to Mr. Jones?

Ianto: YES! YES! YOU'RE ALIVE!

Zeynep: I ran out into the quarry behind the office, got as far away as I could, then threw my headset away into a sandbank. The spaceship? Well, it's fine. It won't fly again, but there may even be survivors.

Ianto: You got out! You saved them!

Zeynep: So did you! Haven't the little people done well.

Ianto: YES!

Zeynep: I can see you up there. I've always fancied trying a parachute jump!

Ianto: I HAVEN'T! Zeynep: Tough day. Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones!

Ianto: Thank you! Everything's covered!

Zeynep: Then I'll wish you a happy landing!

Ianto: But- uh- aren't you gonna (pause) I mean don't you wanna meet up?

Zeynep: (laughing)

Ianto: I wanna thank you!

Zeynep: (still laughing) you've got my number. Inshallah Mr. Jones! (call disconnects)

Ianto: Inshallah Zeynep! Inshallah!