#topost

i would probably post more if i didn't feel obnoxious all the time, in general. i always end up feeling like i'm overwhelming

i do my best not to actively worry about it, but i'd be lying if i told you that always worked. like, it's just difficult not to when you're feeling really lonely, and you go to reach out to a friend, but you realize you'd be double-texting anyone you would want to talk to in that moment

it might just be trauma, but i tend to talk myself out of sending most of those messages these days. maybe it's low-level fear of abandonment or rejection or whatever, but more directly, there's just this feeling that if i can make light topics so heavy, i must make heavy topics absolutely unbearable

it feels like i got hit over the head with a brick at some point and lost my ability to... not be self-centered in conversation? did i ever know how not to be?

at the same time, i feel like the course of this makes me paranoid about expression in a way that degrades how i come off and what i'm even willing to express. like, even as i'm writing this to nobody in particular, i'm having second thoughts about saying any of it. of letting these ideas be associated to me, even though they are certainly what i feel