#timeline shifting

And if you’re still reading this, it’s all on you lol

I gave plenty of warnings that this is pretty much raw, unstructured and full of cussing so don’t complain or go tl;dr or so help me glob arrrgh

OK now that’s out of the way...

I initially felt a strong need to make this post actually, not make the previous post about quantum jumping. But hey, the universe works in mysterious ways, so maybe that one can reach out to those who actually needed a new lease in life. And now that I’ve written that one, it’s time to let this one out. For myself, should I lose my way again, and maybe for other people who are still feeling trapped in this annoying AF 3D reality full of anger, fear, pain, worry, disease, and all the low vibrational crap that actually, are being released and healed out of the mass consciousness.

I’m not operating on an egoistic standpoint here, I mean, really, I have no right to tell people what to do or how they should feel, they’re already of legal age, I’m just here to give suggestions, alternate ways of thinking, really crazy ideas that might just give the appropriate results. Or just simply tickle the imaginations of people, at the very least. Other than that, I am only here to bring forth the love from the universe, the infinte realm of all possibilities, the energies channeling from the quantum fields that cross all boundaries of time, space, dimensions, realities, timelines, lifetimes, and all that razzmatazz lol

But even though I lol at that, to be honest, I was not in the best place in my life, for quite a while, since the year started. Yeah, sure, I did my best at distracting myself, escaping what needs to be done, and by the middle of April I felt even worse than last year, to think I thought that the worst parts of my life was over... Here comes PANDEMIC-CHAN.. Sheesh.. 

Well, that lead to more contractions, more depressive states, darker thoughts aka wanting to escape the physical body... And I haven’t even started with the material stuff yet. Let’s just say that this year’s Dark Night of the Soul has also merged with the fears in the collective. I had to hold so much, not just mine, but everyone else’s. So again, I started escaping, but this time with the intent to increase my vibrations to attract something substantial and material in my life. I was really, really on the edge, and hunger was looming over my head. I didn’t want to get hungry, that brings back so much pain from the past, I didn’t just felt deprived of love and warmth, I was hungry a lot, as a child, and I have yet to heal that part of myself completely. Plus the fact that I got even further derailed from what I was supposed to be doing aka the spiritual ascension thingy stuff..

But I told myself that maybe, this time around, I have to let the universe help me, to be the receiver of gifts. This was one hard decision I had trouble letting go of: FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. If I could only believe that the unknown bears more gifts, maybe I could have opened myself to better opportunities, more choices, more love... But no, I just kept distracting myself, in any way that I can. I was a dumbass, all the way until something knocked me off of that trajectory.

For some weird reason, despite the heat, I was called to do something random:

Collecting flowers from the yard. Just one type though, a weird hibiscus flower that blooms yellow in the morning until noon, then becomes orange and finally red in the late afternoon. This was around the middle of April, and my back pain was back in full swing, the flareup was incredible but since I’m fully aware of what it was, I figured out that I just needed an outlet for all that pent-up energy. And slowly but surely, my back pain started becoming bearable, I could stoop down and pick the tiny flowers, plop them in a little bowl, and add that to my quarters.

Sure, it wasn’t much, but with each day that I did it, something amazing happened for me.

I began reconnecting with nature, in a way that felt like I was a toddler again. Dragonflies started popping up, butterflies started stopping by my passionflower vines (RIP that plant, it died due to a fungal pathogen T_T), I started getting attuned to my dogs again, and somehow, I started cultivating a sense of peace.

It was that moment when I realized that... After all this time, I always had a choice on how to be happy. And even though I was in a lot of 3D problems, I still had a choice, to be happy with even the smallest of things. So I figured out, if I can’t be happy with the large stuff, I’ll just be happy and grateful for what I have. A roof over my head, food to eat, pets to love, friends that actually keep in touch even once a year, internet connection, and getting to eat junk food even once a week. For some people these may sound mundane, but looking back, me being in a depressive state and doing my best to enjoy these things, in a way, I was able to get some sort of happiness in my life. I mean, sure, I could do with more stuff but with whatver I had in that moment, I just did my best to relish everything.

It felt weird and it was out of my comfort zone. I constantly wanted to seek thrills, new experiences, all the stuff I wanted in my misspent youth. Yet here I was, gathering flowers in the evenings, looking at the stars at night, and getting tiny heartquakes seeing a shooting star slice through the night sky. I give zero fucks for sounding dramatic there, but honestly, I was already at the point of no return. 

I suddenly had the strong urge to be my truest self. Including the parts that I had to suppress because other people didn’t like them.

That includes the dramatic, overly-emotional piece of yandere shit that sent my ex off flying. Too bad for him though, he thought I was a tsun-tsun(dere) for a long time, and now that I think about it, the disgusted and disappointed look on his face when he realized and told me I wasn’t tsun-tsun, I was a fucking yandere, bwahahaha that just hit the nail on the coffin for me. We weren’t meant to be together for so long. I wasn’t the tsun-tsun aloof and cold-hearted merciless girl I tried to be for the world, I was a weakass bitch, a bulldozer that ran over anything that stood in my way, an insecure moron who readily gives in to emotions which, I later found out was just my natural tendency to be empathic towards other people, so in a way, my psychic senses were still functioning properly despite all that anxiety that was running through my veins.

Speaking of psychic, I wasn’t even aware that I still had my gifts. I just thought that reading the pasts of people were normal and then blurting them out randomly was a fun way of breaking the ice with strangers. But after having to do that again, in various settings, with different people, I just had to accept that what I thought were psychic gifts, the normal stuff that mass media shows to the public, were not what I thought they would be. I got the subtle-ended stick, no seeing of spirits with my actual eyes, rather, I was feeling the deemahns of other people. I was seeing them for who they truly are, without filter, and I was just acting out accordingly. So whether I rubbed them the right or wrong way, either way, it was a way of uncovering the layers of masks that they wore, until they finally show their truest selves without any hesitation.

This made me feel like I was born to be an agent of chaos, which shouldn’t be a bad thing since chaos is an actual entity: it’s the darkness where everything comes from, the void of the unknown, the endless realm of all possibilities, which does not follow any kind of order known to man whatsoever. The cradle of everything that ever was, and ever shall be.

I still feel horrible for doing so, but at the same time I have also come to accept that at some point, people should just live their lives in their best truth, to be who they are, and even if I was able to allow people to be who they truly are and accept them as is, I was very stingy with myself.

And after that, I started getting angry again. With myself, with the universe, with the higher realms.

I was still, and yet have to get my own breakthrough. I was still feeling cooped up, constricted, choked up, my heartsong was still left unsung. But then again, I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS.

Why am I even here at this point?

I’m not here to just watch people succeed. I deserve that shit for myself too, damn it.

And, well, the need to get somewhere, anywhere became super strong. I came back to doing what I thought I did well at: Studying lol But really, I started reviewing my N4 materials, and after several months of just staring at them, I just tried studying, reviewing, with the intent to regain the skills I lost due to life happening for me. I finally understood more from the notes. What I learned felt a lot more rich, I wasn’t just cramming to pass an exam, I was learning this language, with the hopes that I could not only talk to other people, but to bring out the gifts of these people out into the world.

I don’t give a fuck if the fetuses would call me weeb at this point, do I look like I even care? They can’t shame me out of existence, the boomers never could in the past, so why would I even let these future boomer 2.0′s do that to me? I was trained to be bold and shameless for such a purpose lol

Well not all of them are like that, but some are just so judgmental so I had to put that wall up. Mostly to assert my rights to be what I want to be, it’s not like I kill or hurt people living this kind of life. 

So again... Moving back to the topic of finding myself in the quantum field...

I started re-living my life when I was still taking Japanese language classes.. I didn’t just enjoyed and engaged with the learning process, I also found valuable lessons with my classmates. Turns out that as long as I KNOW I can, I don’t mind doing something alone. Some people just die even thinking of doing a solo hobby, and here I was, opening up to something that I haven’t done before: go to a class where I didn’t know anybody. I ended up enjoying that journey, like literally I had to take a 5-hour bus ride one way just to go to that 3-hour class, then go home again, so I basically travelled a total of 10 hours, once a week, for 6 months.

That gave me just enough energy to properly study my old material. I got to relearn things that I have forgotten, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. So I started translating in... Japanese livestream chatboxes. A thankless job, which I did to improve my listening skills. Turns out I ended up in mostly Kansai-dialect streams, so not only did I became sensitive to differences in inflections but also in conjugations of verbs and whatnot. That was a fleeting yet memorable experience, and the only thing that made me stop was getting tired all the time lol

So after about 2 months I stopped doing it, though I still watch raw stuff every now and then to brush up, and I focused mostly on translating texts, because Kanji scares the shit out of me. I mean, that has been my waterloo ever since I discovered the SKIP method some 17 years ago. So my next focus was to learn as much Kanji as I could, even just the basic meaning of each one. In a way, bit by bit, I started building up the skills I needed to properly translate texts. I guess it went OK, so I was able to build up my comprehension skills from 20% to about 50%. Not bad, just enough to enjoy raw texts.

I just kept this momentum of following what I instinctly wanted to do, and I know that it has served me well as a child, so I figured maybe I can make that work for me. In the weirdest of ways, it did. I suddenly felt that I could at least see some chances for me to get someplace, wherever that was. Even though the road seems bleak, I could see something far beyond, and that helped me get up each day, even though I was dead-tired all the time.

By the time that June has ended, I felt like I lived yet another lifetime doing stuff I didn’t know I could do. I think it was also around that time that I started gaining confidence on going online in Tetris 99, and getting to at least top 20 consistently, even though I could only do Tetris clears and making T-spins was such a bitch lol Say what you want to say, but I don’t like straining my eyes so me choosing to start playing something like that, I guess I felt a bit better about myself. I didn’t learn the whole thing as fast as I wanted to be, and I have yet to get Tetris Maximus in Invictus Mode because I kept dying at #2 but the fact that I actually built some sort of self-confidence that I can learn something new, it felt refreshing for me. Maybe next year I’d have more confidence with Super Smash Bros lol just kidding that game hurt my eyes so much I don’t know if I can, right now. My eyes are very important to me so I do my best to take care of them. Also they don’t have Pancake boi in there bahahaha

When July came around, everything felt like a blur. I was doing so much stuff at the same time, I was just in a flurry with everything, and I was becoming more hopeful despite the COVID stats on the news. Well, I do have a background on epidemiology so I didn’t panic much. I did my best to send Reiki though, even though I felt dead-tired and drained a lot. I just opened up to the infinite realms, and at that time, I had no idea it was the right moment to do that. Turns out that there has been a great Karmic release around July, so all of the excess baggage that needs to be freed were coming up to the surface. My abandonment issues kept popping up so I went from there, and I felt the heavens open up.

Yeah, sure, there were days I kept crying while doing active meditations but I did my best to clear as much as I can at the time. It felt amazing when I was able to release that much suppressed shit in my body. My stomach started feeling better, I improved my breathing, and I saw that my face was becoming more and more relaxed. I’d even do finger guns in front of the mirror because I was feeling myself a lot. My depressed and insecure self could have been so appalled that it shut up lol but I was in the zone, I never felt so alive and free. Yet I was still stumpy, squishy, soft and rounded on the outside. In the eyes of society, I was still undesirable, an outlier to what is deemed “beautiful”. But I was already at a point where I just don’t care anymore, I’m beautiful no matter what, so suck it, society lol

This lead to more weird events, the best and weirdest so far was channeling my departed friends. Ghost month was about to set in but I totally forgot about that, so it felt weird when I started seeing the smiling faces of my friends. Except for that one who rarely did, we always argued about anything else other than work or tasks when he was still alive. But ever since he joined my spiritual team, he has always been frowning, always, for 17 years. He was aloof, he stayed away from me. He always wore that sad look on his face, the last day I saw him alive. I thought he should have been happy, he has a pretty girl beside him that seemed to be so glad and stuff. But his reaction when he saw me happily skipping like the dumbass that I was, it was very unnerving, and to this day it still haunts me like hell. Sometime after that, I was talking to my “twin brother” (we were both born on the same day and year lol) and he subtly hinted something about that other dude, that he hates me or something. Again, I felt unsettled because despite the fact that twin bro was normally honest about things, he kept this one to himself. Of course, I didn’t ask what it was about, I just sniffed the air and knew what it was. I hated what info came through and just denied that shit all the way through.

The information that came then, was the same one that the departed dude started yelling at me, and I didn’t expect it. I was having fun with the other dead peeps lol and at some point this guy just blurted out stuff, that I was meant to know when he was still alive. I feel horrified, because I didn’t want to know those things. But no, he just had to say it out loud. Aside from other stuff that he didn’t dare admit when he was still alive, he didn’t want me to get together with that other guy, who is now my ex. From the other side of the veil, he has been giving me signs, not to fall for this guy. He was steering me off-course, but to no avail. I wasn’t the best thinker at that time, I was insecure about myself, I was pretending to be someone else, and because like attracts like, I ended up with someone who as also pretending to be someone else. That shit was so messed up but now that I think about it, I still exercised my free will, and part of that was actually Karmic so maybe that’s one reason why despite the warnings, I went ahead. I had no regrets now, even though that entire relationship has yet to be cleared out of my body. But at least I have so much hope now, knowing that my dearly departed peeps are just over there, eating my junk food and plopping on my bed along with my guides. And also, I have more hope than ever before that in this lifetime, I’ll find my true north node partner, even though the thought of getting into a relationship and getting married to that guy still scares the shit out of me. I’m just opening myself up to the heavens, to the divine realms, to the infinite possibility fields of the quantum universe. Where time does not exist.

I guess my strangest breakthrough was the eve that Ghost month was going to end. I was at my lowest, I was feeling so much pain, because I caused pain to someone else. It was a heartbreak on a soul level, and words just couldn’t describe the pain that I felt, and how much pain I caused to this person. That part was my own undoing, and I do not expect that person to ever forgive me for being brash and overly-bulldozing. I was really, really doing my best to stay together, at that point. I was losing grip, starting to fall back on the dark thoughts, and yet somehow, I did one thing different:

I dared the universe to show me how much I was loved, how much I was worthy, to give back to me all of the love that I ever put forth ten fold, a hundred fold, a million fold, to make me feel that I am so deserving of all the gifts and blessings of the divine realms. I just needed one step, one instruction on what to do.

It wasn’t much, I just needed to listen to the radio for an hour. OK, cool, I have been doing that a lot for a while now. So listen to the radio I did. And then, it felt like a chilling breeze, I felt so much energetic surge, it was so surreal. I felt so much love, energetic hugs, I felt I was being squished and I was loving it. Mind you, I was just lying down and listening to songs, but it felt so real, I don’t know how to react, so I just gave in. And then, flashes of my life living at the foot of a dormant volcano started popping up. It didn’t even include living with the ex, it was the sum total of all the times I ever gave away my love, and me receiving that love in so many ways, shapes, and forms. I felt ecstatic. For an entire hour, the dense energies of regret and sorrow got flushed out of me. I felt even more hopeful, more tingly, more giddy, it was definitely something new. 

I was still on a high for about an hour more after that experience. Sure, I still had vivid dreams, and my sleep was still insufficient, but I had enough energy to wake up still feeling so much joy, despite the fact that I did stupid things. I felt no regret, I felt so clear, I felt that I was being my authentic self. And that was so unsettling, I was used to the dark, of feeling like an endless pit full of sorrow and pain, yet less than half of that remains. I don’t know what came over me, and weirdly, my departed peeps started cooling down. Due to Ghost month ending? Me getting a breakthrough somehow? I really don’t know but they seem to be in good shape despite decreasing the racket lol

I wanted more of this nice stuff so I asked the universe how to make more similar experiences. I was told to do the same thing, just listen to the radio, but this time choose what songs I wanted to hear. So I did, I wanted to feel pretty, wanted, loved, cuddled, all that disgustingly-gooey romantic crap that I never got to have because I kept denying to myself that I love that trash. But now that I have fully accepted that gooey, icky, yandere-dere part of me, the energy that coursed through me was really strong, I felt that the energetic hug got so tight I thought my soul was gonna pop out. But no, it didn’t. I got maxed out with the tingles though lol

And this part where I deliberately chose what to listen to became rather amusing yesterday. I was tuning in to one radio station as I was sending Hooponopono to the friend that I caused pain to, to help clear the energies off, and then flashes of my miraculous encounters when I watched Goo Goo Dolls live three years ago started popping up in my head. All of a sudden, this song came up on the radio and I had a laugh. It wasn’t my absolute fave, but it was a classic. Three songs and two stations later, I switched and lo and behold, this song came up again. I was like what the fuck is this lololol It was like the universe was telling me what I was thinking exactly and I lol-ed more.

I had that much mindless fun in the afternoon, and I was about to let that whole incident slide, and I would have if this song didn’t came up on the radio again later in the night, yet another station. It shook me deep inside, and I asked the universe, is this mine or someone else’s? The answer is yet to be known. And however the answer comes to me, I am scared of whichever way that goes.

I wish I could say that these were all just stuff in my head, but they weren’t. Even more so when I had the same stuff happen, consecutively, with yet another song. I felt even more uncomfortable, and it doesn’t help that my forehead starts feeling cold despite my thick bangs covering most of it. I’m scared, but at the same time, I am still doing my best in opening up to the infinite realms of the universe. And still willing to receive the energetic hugs, headpats, and cheek pinches from the quantum field. That doesn’t calm down the nerves though lol but hey, at least I know where to get the stuff to fill my needs, even if it’s just a day at a time. I don’t know where I’ll go to from here, but at least I now have an idea on how to move forward, one way or another, and for that, I am truly grateful.

I used to think that I was cursed to be slow in manifesting what I wanted in all areas of life, but when I started dealing with these energies from the quantum field, it was uncannily fast. This was the proof that I needed to tell myself that I had that power within me, to remind myself of who I was. I was a being of pure love from Source, who came here to channel the unconditional love from the cradle of life towards those who needed it the most.

And I’m writing this to remind myself through the passage of time, that even though right now, I have less than what I would want myself to be, I am counting on the fact that because I am still within the field of infinite possibilities, I am worthy enough to be and have whatever I wanted. I just need to go home, back to who I really am, and owning that part of myself because I am worth it.

Lastly, I write this for everyone who feels like they’re losing their way, because it’s easy to forget where we needed to go. Please know this: There’s no right or wrong way to live your life, just be who you are meant to be, and live that kind of life without hurting any other, including yourself. You were placed on this planet to bring miracles to an otherwise desolate piece of rock, and you deserve all the magic that the universe holds for you.

You are loved, so much more than you can imagine, and it’s time to tap into that birth right we were all meant to have.