i thought of it as a part of hudson's vulnerability and wanted to interpret it like how the media does it (specifically jax from tadc)

If I remember right, I was taking around 36 pills a day. Yes, 3 and 6. Thirty six. (if I remember right, let's count the ones I remember using)

1 x 1 of Lansor, a pill used to protect my stomach from other pills (somehow)

1 x 12 of cortisone hormone pills

3 x 2 of Salofalk pills

2 x 1 of immunosuppressants (yes literally used to suppress my immune system, which made me 100% weaker to colds fevers flus and all)

2 x 1 of iron pills

1 x 1 of B12 pills

1 x 1 of calcium and magnesium pills

1 x 1 of vitamin D pills

3 x 1 spoons of another stomach protector syrup

1 x 1 of Zinc pills

2 x 1 antibiotics

And occasional painkillers or stomach pills for nausea

Idk how may that adds up to or how far along I'm off but anyway

Mind you I'm 12-13 at the time. I'm completely fucked up over a new illness I know nothing about, or how to deal with, or how to cope with, couldn't process anything for shit, no one is properly telling me anything bc I'm young, I wouldn't fully understand the things they tried to explain bc I was young, was constantly hospitalized every one or two months for weeks

And I HATED taking meds. I still do. They were making me weak, they always had different reactions on my body, I had to change them constantly so my body doesn't develop immunity to them. I always had a weak stomach so I threw up bc of the meds all the time, but I had to keep them in for their effects so it was even harder to be nauseous and have a stomach ache 24/7. And overall just the sheer AMOUNT of it was TOO much for me. For any child, really. Or human at all. No one should be taking 30+ pills a day while very depressed from a possibility fatal illness they've newly gotten and don't know what to do with and don't understand

I couldn't go to school properly, I couldn't eat properly because I was on a very strict diet as to not trigger my illness, doctor check ups almost every week getting more and more depressing, I'M getting more depressive, couldn't move around bc of how weak my body has become bc of the illness. Be it my bones, muscles, heart or lungs, they were all weak as shit. I couldn't even walk from one room to the other without being out of breath, can you fucking imagine. And being stuck sitting as a kid who loved running around really fucked me up. Especially when everyone around me was still moving on with whatever, be it moving, eating, going to school, and all the other stuff

I had doctors tell me every time I was hospitalized that this illness was gonna kill me. Not because it's terminal, but because it had the chance of spreading more and more and draining my body completely. Or turning into a kind of cancer and killing me

So for me it was either live all your life with meds and hope it doesn't get worse, get a surgery that has lower than 50% certain success rate/has the chance for the illness to repeat itself even if the surgery was successful, or die because of this

Well I didn't die, I didn't get the surgery, and I haven't been on meds for almost a year now. So fuck on that, God. And there were other periods of my life I was completely off meds for a while, only to get a flare up and get hospitalized and start all of them again. But I'm relatively okay now. It sometimes repeats, and it kinda changed shape to cause even more problems for me in different ways, and I'm still effected by it 100% of my life

The only med I'm on rn is a pen shot I get every two months, and I don't count that. So. It's good I guess

It was just really fucked up, yk? Having to keep track of myself, my meds, my school work, my health, my body, my mental state, all when I was still very pre-development brain-wise

some doodles :b

I am thinking that if my boyfriend and I can't get out in time, we will just have to die. And that I will have to supply what kills us because it will be less painful than any other method and I don't want him to suffer.

I hate this.

I hate the people who are afraid because they were told that we were here to harm them and then didn't listen to our side.

I hate those who claim to love those in the LGBTQA+ or that are POC or that are disabled or that are woman and then go vote Republican.

I hate America.

I hate humanity.

I hate what we have become.

I hate what this is.

I hate.

I hate.

I hate.

I hate I hate I hate

That I am a person too, yet the majority of people in my life that I have cared for since a young age deny me my right to life.

I hate being an American in this trying time.

I want to not exist.

Fuck you.

Peace was never an option after you wanted me to die.