Was he hallucinating, or did Mark just fucking wink at him? Wasn't his wife right there? Wait, where did she go? He could've sworn she had been clinging to his arm just a second ago-

"A piña colada please," Karen spoke up on his left. He nearly jumped out of his skin because when the hell did she sit down? And shouldn't she have at least sat on his other side? Maybe, I don't know, next to her husband?

Apparently, she wasn't done with her order, feeling the need to specify, "And make it dirty." She was looking directly at him when she said that, twirling a lock of hair around her finger as she bit her lip.

Ted was extremely confused. If he didn't know any better, he'd say they were coming onto him. But that was impossible! There's no way in hell that they would be looking for a third, and especially not someone like him.

They were nothing but pure vanilla, as pristine as the driven snow. He was like a muddy puddle. This was just a coincidence. A really, really weird coincidence.

"I'll have a Jim Beam, on the rocks. Actually, make that two."

Okay, maybe they were trying to take him home.

"That's okay, I'm fine with a beer," he tried to decline, but Mark insisted.

"We all deserve a taste of the finer things in life."

Ted felt a blush creep to his cheeks, and not just from the alcohol. He couldn't remember the last time a sexual advancement had made him this flustered.

"Don't you agree?" Mark prompted when Ted didn't answer. He shook himself out of it and nodded vigorously.

"It's what separates us from the animals," he said, trying to sound smart.

"Well I couldn't agree more," Karen added, looking past Ted to her husband. And just like that, they found their third.

~~~

Things were admittedly a little awkward and stiff at first, but they quickly found their groove. They both were surprisingly kinky, not that Ted was complaining. It was just... so unexpected coming from them.

It felt nice being in on their dirty little secret. Or was he the secret in question?

Oh well. He supposed it didn't matter. Not when things were this good.

Ted flopped back on the bed, lying between the pair with a relaxed smile on his face. Karen snuggled closer to his right side, Mark lacing their fingers together on his left.

"That was really fun," Karen purred, walking her fingers up his chest.

"I'll say," Mark chimed in, offering a quick peck to Ted's cheek. He leaned across him so he could reach Karen, kissing her cheek.

"Yeah, you guys are amazing," he said, still breathless and dazed. "Same time again next week?" he asked, only half joking.

"Hey, there's no need to rush off again," Mark assured.

"Yeah, who are you? Cinderella?" she teased, the wine making her giggle at her own joke. Tipsy Karen was absolutely adorable. "Stay for a while," she insisted softly.

"That's okay, I don't wanna overstay my welcome," he shot back playfully. But what was meant as a lighthearted joke clearly struck a chord with each of them.

"After everything, you don't think you're welcome to just relax in our home? You're not just our lover, you're our guest. Stay; have a snack, watch some TV, whatever you wanna do." And didn't that sound nice...

But Ted Spankoffski never really had nice things. Or if he did, they didn't stick around for long.

"You sure? 'Cause if you're busy, I can get outta your hair," he offered, nervous butterflies fluttering about in the pit of his stomach. He's used to being the bootycall; to showing up on a whim for some casual sex, and getting kicked back out on the streets once they were done with him. But they actually wanted him to stay, which was why it was too good to be true.

"Oh I can be busy, if that's what you want," Mark growled, rolling over to straddle Ted's waist. He leaned down to plant a kiss to his lips, lingering with a gentle bite. Ted hummed, melting into the bed.

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Chasity," Ted smirked.

"I try," he shot him a wink, allowing his hand to roam Ted's chest.

"So why don't you ever want to stay?" Karen asked, with an exaggerated pout. The question caught him off guard, so he answered honestly.

"I want to stay, just... still not really used to the idea of you guys wanting that too," he admitted. Normally, he's never allow himself to be so vulnerable and bold with his emotions. But Mark and Karen were different. They didn't judge people, even people like him who should be judged, and they were nice. Like, genuinely nice. When he was with them, he felt seen and heard. He had spent nearly his whole life trying to run away from his emotions, but with them, he could finally relax.

"Oh Ted... Of course we want that," Karen spoke barely above a whisper, carding her fingers through his hair. Ted looked between them hopefully.

"Really?"

She offered a sweet, radiant smile. "Really."

"You're not just saying that to cheer me up?" he asked playfully.

"No, if we wanted to cheer you up, we'd do this!" Without warning, Mark began scribbling over his sides, drawing out a surprised giggly shriek.

"Hehehey wahahahait! D-dohon't!" he whined, flopping around uselessly on the bed.

"Why not? Is someone a little bit tiiiiiicklish?" Karen chimed in, using her long nails to flutter under his chin. He snorted and slammed his neck against his shoulder for protection.

"Noho!" he denied, a giddy, nervous grin plastered to his face.

"Uh oh honey, looks like we've got ourselves a liar," Mark taunted from above. His hands continued to knead the slight pudge around his middle, drawing out a few deeper laughs.

"Oh no, what should we do?" she asked, feigning innocence.

"I think..." Mark trailed off for dramatic effect, smirking when he heard Ted whine. "We should get the cuffs." The way Ted's eyes snapped open to look at them was priceless.

"What?" he screeched, excitement bubbling up inside him.

"That's the punishment for dirty rotten liars," Karen purred,  leaning over the side of the bed to rummage through their box of toys. She popped back up, showing off a pair of fuzzy, leopard print cuffs.

"Ihihi wasn't-" he began to protest, but Mark shushed him by placing a finger to his smiling lips.

"Don't try to back out now," Mark said, cocking his head to the side. "Arms up, tough guy."

"Why don't you make mehehe!" his defiant protest melted away into giggles. He didn't bother holding back his laughter; he doubted he could even if he wanted to.

Even through his delirium, he knew they were doing this for him. To make him relax, to show him they really cared... And to tease the living hell out of him.

God, they knew him so well.

He didn't resist when Mark slowly raised his arms above his head, snapping the cuffs into place, looping the short chain around the headboard. Ted gave his arms a weak tug, just for show. He squirmed in anticipation, a giddy smile plastered on his face from the threat of what was to come.

"You're gonna stay right there until we decide you can go. Got that?" Karen asked, cocking her head expectantly. Her tone was halfway between stern and caring.

"Yehes ma'am!" he agreed, arching his back when she slowly scribbled along his bare waistline.

"And we won't stop until you admit to yourself that we want you around for more than just sex," Mark added pointedly. Ted couldn't help but smirk at the new caveat.

"Well in that case, we'd be here ahahall nihihight! Ihihit was just ahaha joke!"

"Our love is no laughing matter!" Karen chastised through her own giggles, the fucking hypocrite.

“Oh, I got a joke for ya! What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?” Mark asked, barely able to finish his sentence before Ted answered.

“Ihihit’s R!”

“Ooo, close, but no.”

“What?” he screeched in shock before it took on a higher pitch as Mark dug into his ribs. Apparently, answering wrong had consequences.

“A pirate’s favorite letter is C! Get it? ‘Cause they sail the seas!”

“Thahat fuckin’ suhuhucks! No no wahahait, I’m sohohorry!” Ted apologized the moment he began vibrating his clawed hands against his ribcage.

“Language! You’re lucky I don’t wash your mouth out with soap instead,” Karen teased, kneading into his soft tummy. He snorted and bucked his hips, unable to dislodge the hands attacking his torso.

“Ihihi’m aha grown ass mahahan, I-I cahan say whatehehever I wahahant!”

“Really? Could’ve fooled me with that laugh of yours,” Mark taunted, enjoying the blush spreading across Ted’s cheeks.

“Hehehey!” he whined exaggeratedly.

“Oh Mark, be nice,” she mock scolded her husband, shooting him a contradictory wink. He smirked back.

“I am being nice. He’s not even screaming yet.”

“Mark!” Ted yelped at the playful threat.

“What? I’m just kidding!” he chuckled, crawling his fingers higher to scratch inside his exposed pits. He leaned in close to growl directly in Ted’s ear, ensuring he could be heard over his hysterics. “Or am I?”

As the day goes on, Ted notices that his frien—coworkers are avoiding him more often than was usual. It was almost like they were slipping back into their pre-Incident dynamic. Conversations would stop the second he stepped in the room, attempts at jokes fell flat and were only met with a roll of the eyes, and Ted found himself falling back into his old role in response.

He curled in on himself more before trying to project the false bravado that had once felt like a second skin to him. His any attention is good attention mindset was back in full swing, praying that something he did would get anyone to just talk to him!

Thankfully, that only lasted for a little while before he realized that he didn’t want to be that Ted anymore, and wasn’t that a revelation to examine literally never.

By the end of the day, Ted was exhausted. Mr. Davidson had asked him to stay a few minutes late to help him with some last-minute filing, which could not have been that important but hey, he had nothing better to be doing.

He’d spent a solid few hours picking through his memory to try and figure out if he’d done anything extra repulsive within the past few days and came up empty-handed.

Paul had even gone home early, also known as not thirty minutes late, which he never did and Ted was worried enough—and desperate enough— that he’d sent a u gud? To which he’d received a perfectly punctuated Yeah. Thanks, Ted.

Was it sad that those three words had made him feel better than anything else that day? Definitely.

Was Ted going to take anything he could get? Abso-fucking-lutely.

As he pulled into his driveway, all he could think about was ordering some shitty takeout, drinking some shitty beer, and pretending that he didn’t exist until this shitty day was over. Hopefully, everything would go back to normal tomorrow, and Ted could just chalk today up to his birthday curse.

The key slipped into the door and it turned after the required two seconds of trying to jimmy it open.

As his hand fumbled for the light he called out, “Hey Pete! I’m home! Fair warning to finish anything up before I—OH HOLY FUCK!”

The light flipped on, revealing a very brightly decorated living room and Paul, Bill, and Charlotte gleefully yelling, “SURPRISE!”

Silence rang for a moment.

Two.

“Ted? Are you… Crying?”

At Charlotte’s question Ted whipped around and very unsubtly scrubbed at his eyes as he said, “No! It’s hay fever season! I just have, uh,” He sniffled, damn it, “I just have really bad allergies.”

He turned back just in time to catch an armful of knitted sweater and curly hair.

“I’m sorry!” She said, somehow managing to be the one holding him despite the fact that he had a foot on her at least, “I told them that a surprise party was a bad idea! But they were so set on it and I’m so bad at keeping secrets! And oh my God we were so mean to you today!”

Charlotte pulled away to look him in the eye, “Can you forgive us? Please?”

Honestly, Ted had forgiven them the second he learned that they all hadn’t gone back to not-so-secretly hating them.

And he’d never really been able to say no to Charlotte.

“Alright. I guess I can forgive you.”

She let out an ear-piercing shriek before throwing herself back at him and Ted found himself sinking into the affection.

A warm body encompassed him from behind as Bill joined the hug and, fuck, Ted couldn’t burst into tears again and ruin the image he’d been carefully cultivating for the past however many years.

“Yeah, man. We were kinda shitty today. Sure it was all to keep the party hidden but that’s not an excuse. Are you alright?”

They are not making this easy on him.

“Yeah!” Oh, that was way too high-pitched. Let’s try that one again.

“Yeah.” Much better, “I definitely wasn’t worried that I’d done something wrong and you guys all hated me again and I’d fucked up the only actual friendships I’ve had since I was a kid or anything.”

…Yikes. Great save, Spankoffski.

Ted felt an arm wind its way around his waist, giving him an awkward side hug and holy shit. Paul, Mr. If-you-come-within-two-feet-of-me-I-will-dissolve-out-of-pure-social-discomfort, was hugging Ted.

“Look, Ted,” said Paul in the voice of someone not well-versed in the art of reassurance which, hey, neither is Ted, “Sure, you used to be a disgusting sleazeball that we all tried to avoid.”

“But,” He raised his voice to be heard over Charlotte and Bill’s groaning, “You’ve changed. And we can see that you’ve put actual effort into changing. We honest to God like you Ted, you’re our friend! Hell, would we have done all this for you if you weren’t?”

Paul gestured at the room and Ted looked at the balloons scattered around, at the cake on the table and the three wrapped presents sitting on the couch.

Huh.

“No,” Ted said slowly, still trying to wrap his head around the concept, “You definitely wouldn’t.”

“Exactly! Now, why don’t you say we— What was that?”

The squeeze Paul had given to his side that Ted was sure was supposed to be reassuring had the unfortunate side effect of making Ted nearly jump out of his own damn skin. Of course, it was just his luck that the Spankoffski charm had come with a large dose of the Spankoffski super-fucking-ticklish.

“Nothing!”

He could feel Charlotte grinning against his chest as Bill tightened his hold, effectively eliminating all possible escape routes.

“That didn’t sound like nothing,” Charlotte said, mischief colouring her voice, “You should try that again, Paul! See if we can give Ted some good old-fashioned birthday cheer!”

At that, Ted actually started to put up a fight, if pretty half-assed.

“No! I’m already cheerful so that’s not necessARY— Pahahahaul nononono shihihihit!”

Laughter tumbled from his lips, echoed by the people surrounding him as he tried and failed to escape.

Paul’s voice rose above the noise in utter disbelief, “Are you telling me that you, the guy who can’t get enough of bugging everyone else, are ticklish?! We could have been using this against you for years!”

“No I’m nohohohot!”

Ted was going to go crazy. Paul’s hand had moved up to his ribs and was now prodding at the bones and wiggling between them, making Ted’s laughter pitch up into childlike giggles much to the delight of his tormentors.

“Are you suuurrrreee?” Charlotte asked, giving a quick scribble to his spine and laughing ecstatically at the snort that elicited.

“Yeah, Ted!” Bill chimed in, “You seem pretty ticklish to me! But, if you’re not, then you won’t mind if we stay here a little longer. It is your birthday, after all, gotta make sure that you feel loved and appreciated!”

Paul leaned in close enough that Ted was grateful that the red in his cheeks could be explained away as he said, “All you have to do to make this stop is just admit that you’re ticklish. Is that really so hard?”

He lightened his touch enough to let Ted catch his breath a bit and give him a chance to tap out if he wanted to.

But Ted Spankoffski is a man of honour and dignity and he WILL NOT GIVE IN!

“Go fuhuhuck yourself, Paul!”

Any fire in his words was snuffed out by the lingering giggles, but Paul still gasped, playfully affronted in a way that Ted’s never seen, but knows can’t be good.

“Well,” Paul says simply, “You asked for it.”

And Ted was thrown back into laughter as Paul’s hands dug back into his ribs, aided by the occasional pokes and scribbles from Bill and Charlotte who seemed mostly content to hold him in place and let Paul do all the work.

“PAUL!” Paul had vibrated his hand into the soft space just below Ted’s lowest ribs and, yeah, this is how he was going to die, “Paulpaulpaul plehehehease! I’ll sahahay it! I cahahahan’t!”

“You can’t say it?” Oh that little shit, “I’m sure I can help you out there.”

“No! I’m ticklish! I’m tihihihihicklish! Now please let me gohohohoho!”

With that proclamation of defeat, they all unwound themselves from around Ted, and he did his best to not miss the warm pressure as they guided him to his ratty old couch, unstable legs nearly giving out on him before he collapsed on the worn cushions.

As he sat there catching his breath while Paul settled down next to him and Bill and Charlotte started fiddling with the candles on his cake, a thought suddenly occurred to him.

“How the fuck did you guys get into my apartment?”

They all laughed as Paul said, “Peter gave me his key. Told us to not fuck this up.” His voice slid into something a little more fond, “You’ve got a good kid on your hands, Ted.”

“Yeah,” Ted said, the grin on his face more than just the remnants of his ordeal, “I really do.”

Suddenly, Bill and Charlotte were bringing the cake towards him in all its fiery glory.

“Alright sleazeball, make a wish.”

Normally, Ted would hate being called that by someone other than himself, but Charlotte said it with such fondness that he really couldn’t bring himself to mind.

He thinks for a moment, then takes in a big breath and blows out all the candles in one fell swoop.

After the cheering died down, Bill asked, “What did you wish for?”

Ted just gave him his signature grin and said, “I can’t tell you, Billy. It wouldn’t come true!”

The rest of the day flew by, filled with laughter and games and only a few drinks. Looks like the birthday curse is broken, because this one had been pretty damn perfect.

"Oh come on Bill, where's your holiday spirit?" he sassed.

"You just scared it out of me."

"You're no fun," Ted rolled his eyes, turning to walk away. Bill scoffed.

"Excuse you, I'm loads of fun!"

"Nu uh. If you were, then you'd know the entire month is Halloween!" he reasoned. Bill rolled his eyes.

"Maybe for some people. But that doesn't mean go around scaring your innocent coworkers!" he justified. Ted snorted in amusement.

"Pft. Okay.”

"I'm serious!"

"Oh yeah, I believe ya," he taunted, turning on his heels. He barely took a step before Bill called after him.

"Okay that is it! Let's see how you like it!" he snapped and lunged after Ted. Bill was on him in an instant, but the last thing Ted expected to be doing was laughing. He thought for sure he'd be holding his sore jaw, or doubled over in pain from a well placed kick, anything but this, really. Honestly, he'd take one of those other options in a heartbeat.

At least pain didn't come with overwhelming embarrassment.

"Bihihill whahat the fuck?" he choked out, gritting his teeth to prevent any more sound from escaping.

"Well someone needs to teach you a lesson!" he reasoned, scribbling up and down his sides.

"Ohoho come ohon! I was just hahaving fun!" Ted whined, trying to tug Bill's hands away. He managed to grab ahold of his wrists, but the tickling persisted.

"Well now we're really having fun!" he chuckled at his own joke, which in turn made Ted groan in annoyance.

"I ahaham not!" he denied, twisting from side to side in an attempt to get away.

"I don't think you'd be laughing so much if you weren't having fun," he taunted, not even bothering to hide his amusement. He noticed the way Ted's blush immediately darkened, the way his legs were buckling beneath him as he slowly sank to the floor, and Bill realized he might actually be right.

"Wait, do you like this?" he asked, just to make sure. Ted's eyes flew open and he jerked away so violently that he stumbled and fell to his knees on the gray carpet. He scrambled to his feet, dusting himself off and looking around frantically to make sure no one heard.

He pointed an accusatory finger at him, but notably stayed out of arm's reach. "Hell no! What do I look like, a little kid?" he huffed, cheeks red, hair messy, and clothes wrinkled.

"No, but you sure are acting like one," Bill bit his lip to hide a growing smile. He knew he shouldn't be laughing; Ted was emotionally repressed on a good day, and it seemed like his toxic masculinity was starting to flare up again. But he couldn't help himself, Ted walked straight into that one.

Ted just stood there, mouth agape. "It's Hallo- fuckin'- ween, you're supposed to act childish!" he tried to justify. Bill arched a brow and smirked. "What?" he growled in frustration.

"It's okay. I actually think it's pretty fun too," he admitted. Ted gaped at him, blinking away the shock before answering.

"Cool, good for you."

"Ted-"

"Bill."

Bill huffed and placed his hands on his hips, fixing him with his best dad expression. Surprisingly, it worked better on Ted than it did Alice. Ted rolled his eyes before looking his way, showing he was listening.

"You don't have to act so defensive, really. I mean, do you really think I'd judge you for that?" he asked, brows furrowed in concern. Ted sighed.

"I know you wouldn't. But not everyone's like you, Bill. They'll hear I like it, and then they'll think I'm some fuckin' weirdo," he sounded frustrated and surprisingly genuine.

"Well... I said I like it, so does that make me "some fucking weirdo" too?" he asked, smiling when he earned a short lived chuckle.

"God no. You're a nice guy, you're naturally affectionate, you got a daughter. For you, it just makes sense," he explained, beginning to relax enough to lean against the wall as he spoke. Bill nodded and walked up beside to him, mirroring his stance.

"And what about you?" he asked curiously. Ted let out a long breath through his nose.

"For me?" he mused aloud, thinking for a moment before answering. "Well it's obviously a sex thing, cause that's all I ever fucking think about," he mocked dryly, before quickly adding, "It's not, but that's what they'll think." His voice was quieter, and he stared at a coffee stain on the carpet.

It all seemed to make sense now.

"I won't tell anyone."

Ted's lips twitched upwards in a fleeting smile. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

"Of course," he said, clapping a hand on his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. Slowly, he inched his hand closer to his neck, squeezing faster until Ted was giggling and scrunching away from the touch.

"Hehehey! Whahat gives?"

"What? I wasn't done with my revenge."

"You're still stuck on that? That was like five minutes ago, get over ihihihit!"

"No thanks, this is more fun."

"Bihihill!"

"Yes? Can I help you?"

"Ohoho fuck you!"

"So, what'd he do this time?" a new voice sounded from down the hall, and Ted felt his embarrassment from earlier come back with a vengeance. Of all people, he really didn't want Paul to see him like this. He had way too many reasons to use this against him, if he decided to. Not that he ever would.

"Oh nihihihice one asshole, what mahakes you thihihink I deserve it?"

"He scared the shit out of me!" Bill answered, having to raise his voice over the sound of his frantic giggling.

"It's Halloween damnit! Paul, c'mohohon back mehe up here!" he tried to reason. He shrieked when a hand slipped inside his shirt, untucking it from the belt.  Bill kneaded against the soft pudge of his tummy while his other hand squeezed the base of his neck, drawing out the most unflattering laugh. It was loud, high pitched and full of sorts, but no matter how much he thrashed about, he made no real effort to escape.

Paul watched on in amusement. He seemed to be contemplating something before he shoved his phone and wallet into his pockets. "Looks like you could use a hand there, Bill."

Ted's eyes widened in shock. No, this wasn't fair!

"Why thank you, I'd love one!" Bill answered the same time Ted yelled, "Are you fuckin' kidding me?"

Ted & Peter

Idk the exact age gap between them, but I’m pretty sure it’s close to 10 years or somewhere in that range. So Ted was old enough to take care of him when their parents needed him to, & he adored everything to do with his little brother

He lowkey was mad when his parents would take him away for a nap or something because that’s HIS playmate to do with as he pleases!

They were definitely closer when Ted was still pretty young. He would make up games for them to play & Peter would go along with whatever his big bro said

This included a lot of roughhousing & play fights that Ted always won. He would make sure not to be too rough with him tho

Tickle fights were very common between them & Ted was absolutely ruthless, not that Peter really minded all that much when he was little. Now that he’s older he makes more of a fuss, but he knows it’s just Ted’s way to show him he loves him

Ted used to tickle him mainly to cheer him up or play but now he just does it to be annoying & see his baby bro smile because he doesn’t smile as much as he used to

When they were little, Peter would fight back but rarely win unless Ted let him. Now that he’s older he can hold his own & has gotten a fair amount of revenge after his growth spurt hit

It was the best thing ever when Peter saw that cocky ass smirk leave Ted’s face as soon as he realized what was coming

Ted is soooo annoying I love him so much he does everything he can think of to piss Peter off. He messes up his hair, smacks his phone out of his hands, walk up behind him & do that thing where you kick someone’s knee from behind, & Peter finally has enough of it & snaps

Ted canNOT take what he dishes out & Peter thinks it’s hilarious

When they play fight it always turns to tickling & when they have a tickle fight it slowly escalates to violence kzhwksnf

I love them so much I don’t think it’s healthy

Jock Trio

So we see how Max ain’t the nicest to his friends & still picks on them, so it’s only natural to assume he wrecks their shit at any given opportunity

Again for him it feeds into his power trip, but that’s only half of it. He really does love his friends & enjoys hearing them laugh

He resorts to tickling to make them laugh because he doesn’t think he’s all that funny. He doesn’t really know a lot of jokes so he resorts to Humor By Force

You are so SO right about Kyle giving off lee energy, he is so hyper & smiley dude just loves to laugh & hang out with his buds

Max teams up with Jason against Kyle most often, but if Jason is feeling down or looking particularly vulnerable he’ll rope Kyle into his scheme

Whenever he does this, he’ll tap them on the shoulder & just give them this look & they know what he means

Jason is a more equal match for Max & puts up more of a fight, so that’s why he tends to tickle Kyle more

Jason & Kyle also have tickle fights all the time! Kyle knows Jason is more playful & less mean with his teases than Max. But if Max walks in on them he will join in & help whoever is currently winning

Kyle is more ticklish & he has a really loud boyish laugh & it’s so cute! He throws his head back & laughs freely & doesn’t even fight back. He will just lay there & take it & weakly curl in on himself

His worst spots are his belly, thighs, ribs & feet

Jason has a deeper laugh but is still very bubbly & endearing