#thoughtsrightnow

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Okay first of all people mainly someone I now hate are dicks Second people who is respectable will be respected and people who aren't doesn't deserve to be respected

Thoughts come & go... Currently on my mind: There have been a few people (well, men) in the past few years of my life that I have warned to not get too close to me (fall in love with me, really) simply because I had come to the obvious conclusion that I destroy intimate relationships... I believe I quoted it something like- everything I touch, I destroy. People tend to find this statement intriguing I suppose & laugh it off. I really believe what I've said to be true & don't really know how to feel or act when my warnings are not taken seriously. I guess I'm extremely selfish for allowing relationships to develop... Especially if I believe they're bound to the end result of destruction. Why? I know I'm not some sick, sadistic bitch that gets pleasure out of other people's pain. I definitely do not enjoying causing any kind of pain to others.. Whether it be emotional, physical, mental, or even spiritual. I actually feel like its my moral obligation to help others escape whatever pain or hardship they are currently experiencing. Smiles. That's one thing I try to give every person I cross paths with. It has been pointed out to me (for years) by several people, all whom which are very close to me, that I have a co-dependency problem. A big one. Mostly, it has been supported by the fact that I have had a "boyfriend" since I had my first "boyfriend". If one broke, I got a new one. I hate to put it like that, but it's one of my many ugly truths. Flashback: Growing up, my mother always had a "boyfriend" too... I never really noticed it or put much thought into it. That's just the way things were. Plus, I was really little. But looking back, she was constantly involved with one man or another, searching for love & acceptance & some sort of stability I guess. There were a few long term, a few marriages... Whatever. One thing never changed in my eyes- my mom was always left alone, sad, hurt, & most of the time she was left in a hole that she had to climb out of. I could be completely wrong... But as a child, that's what I saw. My conclusion was that I would never depend on a man for anything. I would not be my mother. I didn't even want kids. I didn't want to get married. That kind of love didn't really exist... Only in movies & storybooks. As a small child, I planned to live the remainder of my life as a single woman. No children. No husband. No problems. No pain. Present day: I don't know if my childhood or my life experience with men has caused me to be the way I am or if I'm just "wired" this way. If someone hurts me, I hurt them back. If I feel like I'm losing somebody, I'll leave first. If there's a fight, I have to win. If they expose me for one thing, I expose them for many. There's so much more. Later. None of it is right... But it's the truth. I have never needed a man, but I have never gone more than a few months without one. I have always been the one to walk away or run away. Whichever I felt necessary. I've always had a valid reason to end a relationship: Infidelity and/or abuse. Those were my 2 surface reasons. My emotions on the inside were the real reasons. I wanted to start over. I tried starting the relationship over.. You know, fresh start type thing. But it never worked. It was too far destroyed to develop.

and from the me, that I’ve always known.

Being in another country gives you an insane amount of moments to reflect. To determine where you are going. Reflect to where you’ve been. How far you’ve come. Through all of this, never any answers as to WHERE you are going. Reflection. That inner peace and guidance that I’m looking for just doesn’t seem to come. I’m realizing it is a daily journey. Not as instantaneous as everything else in my life has been. All in time. The answers will be provided. One by one this puzzle of life reveals itself to me. Each answer that is given I’m thankful. Blessed. Continuing on this journey of life. Leaving the wondering behind, and just learning to BE. 

that you had me sprung.