Destruction or development?
Thoughts come & go... Currently on my mind: There have been a few people (well, men) in the past few years of my life that I have warned to not get too close to me (fall in love with me, really) simply because I had come to the obvious conclusion that I destroy intimate relationships... I believe I quoted it something like- everything I touch, I destroy. People tend to find this statement intriguing I suppose & laugh it off. I really believe what I've said to be true & don't really know how to feel or act when my warnings are not taken seriously. I guess I'm extremely selfish for allowing relationships to develop... Especially if I believe they're bound to the end result of destruction. Why? I know I'm not some sick, sadistic bitch that gets pleasure out of other people's pain. I definitely do not enjoying causing any kind of pain to others.. Whether it be emotional, physical, mental, or even spiritual. I actually feel like its my moral obligation to help others escape whatever pain or hardship they are currently experiencing. Smiles. That's one thing I try to give every person I cross paths with. It has been pointed out to me (for years) by several people, all whom which are very close to me, that I have a co-dependency problem. A big one. Mostly, it has been supported by the fact that I have had a "boyfriend" since I had my first "boyfriend". If one broke, I got a new one. I hate to put it like that, but it's one of my many ugly truths. Flashback: Growing up, my mother always had a "boyfriend" too... I never really noticed it or put much thought into it. That's just the way things were. Plus, I was really little. But looking back, she was constantly involved with one man or another, searching for love & acceptance & some sort of stability I guess. There were a few long term, a few marriages... Whatever. One thing never changed in my eyes- my mom was always left alone, sad, hurt, & most of the time she was left in a hole that she had to climb out of. I could be completely wrong... But as a child, that's what I saw. My conclusion was that I would never depend on a man for anything. I would not be my mother. I didn't even want kids. I didn't want to get married. That kind of love didn't really exist... Only in movies & storybooks. As a small child, I planned to live the remainder of my life as a single woman. No children. No husband. No problems. No pain. Present day: I don't know if my childhood or my life experience with men has caused me to be the way I am or if I'm just "wired" this way. If someone hurts me, I hurt them back. If I feel like I'm losing somebody, I'll leave first. If there's a fight, I have to win. If they expose me for one thing, I expose them for many. There's so much more. Later. None of it is right... But it's the truth. I have never needed a man, but I have never gone more than a few months without one. I have always been the one to walk away or run away. Whichever I felt necessary. I've always had a valid reason to end a relationship: Infidelity and/or abuse. Those were my 2 surface reasons. My emotions on the inside were the real reasons. I wanted to start over. I tried starting the relationship over.. You know, fresh start type thing. But it never worked. It was too far destroyed to develop.
