#though catalog

by Stephanie Black  — Luna (shotsandwords)

Most days, I don’t mind being single. It’s pretty great actually. There’s a wonderful freedom that comes from being completely and utterly unattached. However, some days, I do mind. It gets lonely. And today is one of those days, so I’m going to talk about it.

*Here’s a cue for those who are going to say that I need to stop ‘complaining’ and do something if singlehood bothers me so much – go ahead and make your comment and move on with your day.

Finding a partner and building a life is such a staple expectation that everyone has about growing old, and I think that’s why we can feel so empty when we don’t have that. We’re conditioned to believe that everything else in life is secondary. Building a career, having hobbies, finding fulfillment. All of it comes after getting married and having kids. And maybe that’s how it should be. I don’t know. What I do know is that that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on dating. And that’s terrifying for people like me who just cannot, for whatever reason, get a handle on this whole dating thing.

A summary of my romantic history:

10-years-old: A boy LIKE-liked me for two months. He was popular (on the basketball team *swoon*). For about a week, classmates in my reading class hotly debated whether or not he was going to hold my hand in between social studies and band. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t.)

21-years-old: A very drunk man invited me to a birthday party he was having the following day. He called me beautiful. That was both the first and last time that ever happened to me.

Are we all caught up? Fantastic.

The way I see it, there are two possible reasons as to why I’m single and always have been.

Option 1: I’m a hideous troll monster and the very sight of me physically repulses men.

Option 2: My personality is capital T, capital W The Worst and men cannot stand to be in my presence for longer than 5 minutes before they want to gouge their eardrums out with a dull spork.

Of the two options, I would much prefer that I’m single because I’m a hideous troll monster. I can change that. I can go jogging (*weeps into the void at the thought*), forgo brownies and ravioli (*screams in vain as all sound is carried away by the wind*), and actually attempt to master the art of make-up (*shrugs, yeah that’s do-able*).

But why? Let’s say that I get in shape and wear make-up, and I’m swarmed by all those mythical male beings that I’ve heard might actually exist. Am I to live in fear that the moment I gain a few pounds or lay off the make-up routine that I’ll suddenly become unlovable again?

I never like to explore the second option. That it’s just me. People don’t like me.

There’s a unique kind of blow that your confidence takes when you’ve been virtually invisible to the opposite sex for your entire life. When the bouncer at the bar grins and tells your friend that her ID photo doesn’t do her justice and then barely gives you a first glance as he waves you through a moment later. When guys come to you for advice on how to ask out your friend. When the only people that ask for your phone number are CVS cashiers trying to apply your membership discount. (On the bright side, I’m fairly certain that I could commit any crime and get away with it.)

As each year passes and nothing changes, you get more and more used to it. You joke about getting cats and saving tons of money on Valentines and anniversary presents, while simultaneously grieving. Grieving because you didn’t get that young love. There weren’t any sleepless nights spent texting that person that gave you butterflies with each letter sent. You didn’t get to sneak out of your parents’ house and meet them in “your spot.” You didn’t get to hold someone’s hand for the first time and be the first person to hold their hand, and feel excitement and terror bubble up in your stomach from being in such uncharted territory.

You didn’t get any of that and now you’re at an age where hooking up is commonplace and you’re still hoping that maybe someone wants to hold your hand sometime.

You feel as if Life has moved on without you and as more and more time passes you have less and less of an idea of where you’re even supposed to start. On the best days, it’s a nagging worry in the back of your mind, like that squash in your fridge that you keep forgetting to cook. On the worst days, it’s overwhelming.

You get to the point where all those milestones that other people look fondly back upon are burdens for you. You have to either bury the idea that your first kiss will be “special” and just “get it over with” so you’re a little less different than all your friends, or you can keep holding out hope that someday someone will come around and they’ll be okay with taking everything as fast or as slow as you need.

And maybe I’m just stubborn. Maybe I’m making everything much more complicated than it needs to be. That’s very possible. I’ve had ample time to over think absolutely everything.

I don’t want some fairy tale, but I want someone to like me for who I am. I’m not going to change myself to fit some mold that feels inauthentic and foreign and leaves a shell of a person that even I cannot recognize in the mirror. This is who I am. Hideous troll monster warts and all. If that means I’ll be on my own until my cats and I revert to star dust, then so be it. I am who I am, and most days that’s enough.

When They Don't Love You Back

1) Your dollar is only as good as your intention. Money can’t buy you class. Remember that.

2) In order to be happy with somebody else, you must first be happy with yourself. It sounds a little corny, and sort of Mr. Miyagi-esque, but it couldn’t be more true.

3) Life is short, so while you’re saving up, don’t be afraid to splurge a little bit. Buy the shoes you’ve been wanting or that plane ticket to Florida to visit your grandmother. Reward yourself for staying within budget and living within your means. (Most of the time.)

4) Realize that you’re older relatives won’t be around forever. Cherish every moment possible with them. Talk to them; listen to their stories; soak it all in. You never know which moment will be your last with them.

5) There’s more to life than having the latest iPhone or the newest gadget that’s circulating social circles; ruining friendships since 2008.

6) In order to maintain a friendship, both parties must be willing to take the initiative to keep in touch. If you feel like you’re the only one trying to make plans, or bringing anything to the table in a friendship, move along. Dedicate your free time to those who value your friendship as much as you value theirs.

7) Every once in a while, a night completely by yourself, with your favorite playlist and favorite stretchy pants, can save you loads on therapy. Bonus points for crying a little bit. Let it all out.

8) You’re the prettiest/most handsome when you’re comfortable. Stop wearing certain things just because they are on trend. If you don’t like crop tops or slim-fitting suits, well, fuck crop tops and slim-fitting suits.

9) Nothing good can come out of Facebook stalking after 11pm. Your mind will wander and so will your search bar. You’ll scroll through pictures of people you swore you’d never speak to again, and it just won’t go well. In fact, delete those people all together.

10) Nothing in life is permanent. Embrace change.

11) Accept people for who they are, and not who you want them to be. That’s a one-way ticket to Disappointment Land.

12) You’ll probably be #broke for a while, but hey, at least Ramen noodles are delicious. Plus, walking to burn off all of those carbs is free!

13) Don’t ever stop asking questions. Question everything. Twice.

14) No one actually knows what the hell is going on or what the hell they are doing. Everyone is kind of just winging it, making their own way through life, and figuring it out as they go along.

15) It’s always that last shot of tequila. Always. Stop drinking so much.

16) Never date someone and treat them like a lump of clay that you can mold. Frank will always be an asshole and Lisa will always be a drama queen. The only thing you can do about it is decide if you still want to have them in your life.

17) If you want to know where you stand with somebody, ask them. Lay all of your intentions out on the table before either one of you gets hurt. Make it to clear to somebody if you’re only in it for the booty, or if you’re in it for long term. Nobody likes to have their heartbroken, especially at the hands of something that could have easily been avoided.

18) Hangovers are real, and they’ve been sent by all that is evil to torment you forever. This isn’t college anymore, folks. This is the real-deal, 24 hour pounding headache that no amount of Advil can subside.

19) Never, not even for a second, rely on somebody else for your happiness. You may have already learned this the hard way (I know I have), but moving forward know that only you are in charge of your own happiness. You shouldn’t invest every last inch of yourself in another human being, especially if they aren’t doing the same. Coming as one in a relationship is one thing, but completely losing your identity is another.

20) Things won’t change unless you actually put in the effort to change them. Sitting there and hoping that your business takes off, or wishing that your apartment wasn’t so messy doesn’t do a dang thing. Get up and do it.

21) Exercise, eat right, and take care of your body. Your early 20’s is when your metabolism slowly starts to pack up and leave. It’s all “peace out, see you never!” and you’re all “But wait, one more slice of pizza?” No. Watch your eating habits and what you’re putting into your body. (I’m looking at you, soda.)

22) Try not to regret things, but instead ask yourself “what did I learn from this?”

23) You have time. There is no rush to have your life figured out. As short as we say life is, in actuality, life is the longest short-time that there is. Embrace it.