#thisistherealme

So, I have a lot to catch up on. It’s been crazy, but I finished my first semester. Killed it I should add. Haha. Now, on my online practicum, finished my second day today. But it’s not about that.

I don’t feel like I should write about the temporary guys, since they don’t feel important enough to update. But I will lol. First, cuz least, is the dude I cruised with until 5 am. He is still present on my fb. A few weeks ago he won’t to me out of the blue wanting to try again cuz “he would regret it if he didn’t try”. I talked to him a bit, almost convinced myself to go for it. Probably cuz I was more lonely than interested. Kinda glad I didn’t though, cuz his fb is just red flaggy. Looked like after this happened he found his “ride or die” then something happened after he posted that and went on about how you can’t trust anyone and all he has is himself. For me, that just turned me off completely. I’m done with him I think lol. 

Then, the guy I was snapping for days. Our streak ends at 12, cuz this is the first day he didn’t snap back, We did meet though. For a booty call. I showed up to his place, sat on his bed and went straight to hooking up. Which is crazy for me, cuz I never thought I was capable of that without the alcohol. I was a bit proud lol. But he’s younger. I don’t see us ever being in a relationship. Probably not what he wanted anyways haha, He never asked about me, and I don’t know anything about him. Probably for the best that that has fizzled out. Hope he finds what he is looking for. 

Next, and most recently, is A. I met him off of the same app as these previous guys lol. We spoke since my birthday on Sept 10. He wanted to meet me for the longest time, but of course I kept making excuses. Until Saturday night. He lives in the neighbor city, but works in my small town. He messaged that he was done work but didn’t want to go home. Asked if I wanted to meet up, I said okay lol. My bio mom was here with us for the weekend cuz I had plans. So, I left to go to his place. He is a dad to a 2 year old, so gets him sometimes. He lives alone with a cute dog. Irrelevant lol. Anyways, I get there, after panicking the whole drive there. We sat there, a part, and he just let me talk. I feel selfish now that I think about it haha, but I did ask about him. I know some stuff lol. We put on a movie, but we’re still talking. He got behind me on the couch to spoon and things got heated fast. And I just let it happen. I thought it was going to be the best sex ever, cuz he was sexy and made me feel sexy. Even grabbing my flub and kissing my whole body haha. But cringing at the thought of either of us finishing. He got super sweaty and dripped all over me, and he kept going soft. Like, was that because of me? Lol. It was like 430 am by the time we were done, and I decided to just crash, cuz I was dead. Morning time wasn’t too awkward. We had sex again, but he finished, finally. In me though, with no protection. Stupid kids lol. I left 20 mins before he had to leave for work at noon. And I never heard from him all day. I sent him one text, then he called at 4 saying he had to go get his phone at home cuz he left it and said he had to call instead of texting cuz he felt bad. That night, he closed at 7, asks if I was on the pill. I told him already I wasn’t and mentioned Plan B lol. He went go buy it and brought it to my place. We sat in the restaurant’s parking lot for another 2 hrs just talking about my life. He was all handsy and kept telling me I was beautiful. At this point, I don’t know if I like him like him, or just like the attention. Still don’t know. He left eventually. I tried texting him last night cuz he asked how my practicum went, didn’t respond though. Until this morning and said he was with his son and his boy wasn’t feeling good. So, I say I’m in meetings all day, but hope he feels better. And that was it lol. Idk what to think about him, or if I should even care. Maybe I’ll move on. Idk. I’m not going to text him first though, I know that much haha. 

And now Alex.  Oh boy. He got back from work the day before Halloween. Things were kept civil. We hugged once when he got home lol. But I really thought he was okay with the way things are. I thought I was too. Until tonight. I sent him a stupid meme that had horoscopes and what they smell like. Libras said sweaty balls lol. That was his. “You should come check”. I wrote “Just *puke emoji*” lol. (I’m on my laptop, can’t find the emojis lol). Then, say I was joking. In our 7+ yrs, he never smelled yucky lol. He said he was hurt that I sent it. I apologized, cuz I didn’t mean to be mean lol. Then he goes “I still love you”. And that struck a nerve in my heart lol. I wanted to cry. But I didn’t I responded “I do too. But everything is different now” Him, “I guess it is but I don’t like it” Me, “I always think I am ok with my decision. But think it’s the busyness of my life that convinces me. Plus, I always think you are too. Until you say something like that and I wanna cry lol”. Then him, “Idk what I think. I always thought that we would try to work things together. Your choice is up to you. I just really didn’t think that you would choose to end things so suddenly. It sounds dumb now but I don’t want to give up. Now you know that. I don’t expect a reply and I respect your choices as your own. I have been trying to give you as much space as you need and will continue to do so. I still love you, no matter what.”

Ugh, geez. I should have left it at that. But I sat there, thinking he needs to know what I think and why I choose to not go back. Even though I want to. I want to go back...  Now I feel like I should say what goes on in my head. You can't say it was sudden. It kept happening, and I hated not feeling like that was our home. Or you not feeling comfortable there. But I don't blame you. Taking on 3 kids that wasn't yours was asking a lot. I know that now. And being away made me realize a lot of things about us. Things about me, was I was scared of you. I was always afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing to make you upset, or for the kids to make you upset. I never wanted to ask you if I can leave to go out when I wanted to, unless the kids were asleep cuz I knew you didn't like it. I knew I had to go to bed when you did because you couldn't sleep or get mad thinking I'm mad. And I couldn't have my family around when you were home because you don't like some of them. There's a lot of things I've changed to be with you. Which seems small, but I never understand why I couldn't just be me. Even the shows or music I like, I would never play around you, cuz you don't like it. But the one thing that I couldn't let go, was knowing you didn't even like my girl. My family I let go, cuz not like you had to be around them all of the time, but seeing the way you treated T and the things you've said about her, made me realize you'd never like her. I couldn't force you to. And I couldn't chose you over her. Cuz that's what I would have been doing if I stayed. Something about her triggered the shit out of you. From what I'm recently learning, it's some sort of trauma response from your inner child. Fyi lol. You could not believe in stuff like that, but we all have stuff from our childhood to be healed from. Or whatever. For you, to me, it was 7+ years of our lives we've shared together and you've barely let me in. I know basic things about you, but not how you really felt about all the traumatic things that's happened to you. I know you loved me. But maybe you didn't trust me enough to be vulnerable enough to talk about any of it. Ik what I just wrote might make you angry, or think that's not what happened. But to me, it's how I feel. And I don't ever want to make you feel bad, or mad, or sad. I do love you. And I really do wish things were different. It'll kill me whenever you decide to move on for real. But I hope you find someone who you can be totally true with her and let her in. You're a good man. You deserve to be happy. Even if it's not with me. I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. But gn. Sorry I suck at this. I feel like this was all over the place.”

He didn’t read it yet. My heart was pounding the whole time, cuz I freak out when I’m standing up to him lol. But, am I wrong? I don’t think I am. Sure, my life would be easier financially if I went back, but things would go back to the way they were. It hurts because I do want to just go hug him, and kiss him, and sleep in his bed. BUT I know I would end up regretting it. If not right  away, then in the long run. I just need to keep reminding myself of all of it. 

This just sucks though. I’m hurting. And super lonely lol. FML.