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An old friend of mine just got her 18th foster placement. I don’t know whether to be jealous or to be grateful that that part of our lives is done.
That’s a lie. I’m 100% in both places. I’m 100% jealous and 100% grateful. It’s exhausting.
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So this is not really foster care related but then again it is. Through the highs and lows of the past three years in the world of fc, I have had some pretty low lows. I felt like I lost the old version of myself and, without really recognizing as it was happening, a new version of myself emerged/is emerging. One whose eyes are forever opened to the impact of trauma. One who gives less importance to how the world views her and is okay with what survival mode looks like. And one who is still firguring herself out - yes, at the age of 42.
Twelve years or so ago, I was kind of in a rough patch, too. Single, living states away from family, and questioning a lot of my life, I found an outlet in quilting. The beautiful fabrics and rich designs inspired me and kept me thinking forward. After moving home, getting married, and eventually adopting my daughter, I found my quilting world packed away and my emotional state once again in disarray. Until recently.
I am not one to make New Year’s resolutions but this year I have set a goal for myself in an effort at better self-care: finish one sewing project and read one book every month. This might seem like a weekend project for many people, but for me it is an achievable goal that I am eager to see through. I am already feeling the old surge of excitement and hopefulness starting to reappear in my mind.
Today I finished a quilt that I started three years ago, right before our now daughter came home. It is made from a Moda fabric charm pack and some yardage I can’t even place because I bought it so long ago! I also finished this book my husband gave me for my birthday last year, “The Giver of Stars”. Month one - check!
I’m beginning to realize that disregulation in a school aged child is a different ballgame than a baby or toddler. I checked a bunch of children’s books out of the library about mindfulness, anxiety and managing big emotions. Fumblr’s - I’ll be honest, since we had closed our home, I’m feeling like I need to educate myself more. As an elementary music teacher have some generic SEL tools, but I’m looking for specific strategies for the kids that will help. What are your favorite resources for helping your school aged kiddos deal with their “big feelings” especially around first-family interactions, big changes and TPR? The wait list for play therapy is long!
Court yesterday
It was a total shit show.
Bios raised hell in the lobby, said everything in the report was a lie, yelled at me because they don’t have time to go to drs appointments for her so why would I tell the CW they don’t go.
Then I gave them information on housing that offered rehab and was court approved to allow the baby to live with them after a month of treatment (they don’t use they said). It was not well received.
Their lawyer walks past them to go smoke and said “glad your here, at least you’ve done that”. They apparently don’t answer calls or contact her.
Get into court- they blame everything on the CW, visitation staff, her parents, me, etc. The judge shut them down and gave them 90 days to accomplish 4 tasks.
Drug test
Initiate the process to find housing
Call the CW at least every two weeks to check in.
Attend counseling (they were kicked out).
If they do this, no goal change, go back in February for regular court.
If not, the goal will change.
Between the CW, myself, moms family, and visitation staff we have done everything other than hold their hand and drive them everywhere.
They’ve been given bus passes, phones, IDs, referrals, and I was checking in twice a week to see if they needed help. Her family has been giving her rides to places when asked, offered to pay for private rehab, took her to the dmv for a state ID, and also check in with her.
She told the judge she needs to take care of her 4 other criminal cases before she can worry about “all of this”. She doesn’t have time.
Neither work (she gets money panhandling) and both live on the street.
I’m at my wits end. I love this mom, and she’s breaking my heart. She loves her baby but her priorities are skewed. It’s not an IQ issue, and she’s super smart, well spoken, and has lots of family/friend support.
I cant in good conscience adopt her baby without doing everything I can to help. What else can I do? Help me oh wise foster parents.
I saw a “foster parents do it for the money” comment this morning. Fine. You know what, you’re right. The $0.64 per hour really makes the drama and the loss and the bottle washing and the driving all around and everything else totally worth it. It’s the money. Sure it is.
Here it is. My motivational #nationalfostercaremonth post.
Also, I got pooped on while writing this.
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Handling Sex Abuse Trauma
My CASA teen keeps acting out. And it follows her life experiences being abused and shown porn and so much worse. She acts to me like she's not interested but her actions don't say that.
My question for my fumblers or MSWs is how do you self care dealing with the sex abuse and innappropriate behaviors?
How do you maintain a healthy sex life and libido dealing with the trauma and processing cases?
Is there continuing ed on this? There should be right?
Buck is sleeping over at bios. He's had one not great sleep over before so obviously it was increased to two consecutive nights. I told him I loved him so much. I reminded him that I still loved him even when I can't see him. I told him he could call me anytime. Bio messaged at 9.30pm saying Buck wouldn't settle and could I please call. I'm not well and went to bed around 8.30pm. Husband has come in at some point and put white noise on at the highest volume possible on two devises in the room so I didn't hear the message and didn't call. I failed my boy. I told him I would call him anytime. He asked and bio held up their end of the deal and I failed him. I hate husband so much right now. I've told him so many times not to put white noise on so loud because I can't hear Trouble in the night but he likes it loud so I blew up at him. And now I'm lying in bucks bed with his teddy crying. I want my boy.
We have a good friend who is a strong minded single lady who while being twice my age is still going strong as a foster parent. She is a kind big hearted woman who I admire deeply. She had to send back the half sibling of one of her adopted kids to their bio mom this past week and it is sad to see the toll it is taking on her first hand. I am all for reunification but without getting into specifics we are all worried about the situation that kiddo is going back to. I hope with all of my heart we are all wrong but it is my first real practical glimpse at a kid going back to a situation that is less than ideal. And it sucks. Praying for it all to be ok so much tonight.
