#thisisaseriousproblem

Fuck. 

It’s 5pm on a Wednesday 

When the patient becomes the nuisance 

5pm, that rocky transition from the patients I took care of 

back home to the people I would die for

5pm when the hearts sink at the sound of the pager

For my sake not his, and I quickly hate myself for it

Self care and self hate in one ticking time  bomb

He says he doesn’t want the surgery

Silence in a room of white coats 

and I’m too stunned to appreciate that rarity 

His smile is peaceful, understanding 

and we are children

My senior came armored with an arsenal of 

post-operative complication for someone like him

A soul betrayed by his body

Welcoming death as we relentlessly pushed it away

He was peaceful, understanding and we cried

The room door closed behind us and our tears had dried

5pm...but I felt no relief

I heard chatter about salmon and brussel sprouts for dinner

Like the stink of the resident work room 

But nobody wanted to talk about it you know?  

“Stupid feelings” was the assessment, and the plan was to

Shove that rotting corpse in the closet and never think about it again

Seriously, its not there, I don’t see it 

But I go numb from that smell 

6pm and I cancelled my dinner date and I cancelled my appetite

She’s not eating much because she gets diarrhea every time she tries

Not for days or weeks but months and years.

She’s thin like a child, curled up in a ball 

 My partner asks for her story,  with some authoritative interruptions

he domineers with his healthy body

And she sobs to me when he is gone. One broken soul to another. 

And I think she is relieved to find tears in my eyes

When she tells me she wants to die 

They ask me for her story and I say

“She wants to die” 

and I know they’ve gotten used to the stink when they 

smile, like I’m the one who’s a child. “Oh I know.” 

Because if she died, their eyes would be dry by the time the room door closed

And I wonder why

 they sacrifice 

their lives to serve, If they cared so little for her suffering

And i’m silent while he presents the patient.  

7pm and I listen to an old Hindi love song on the drive back

“I have become your lover, keep me in your eyes

Every moment that passes tells my lips I must say something

about you. I wish I could but live in your shadows.” 

And you knew from the way he sings, 

He cares so much about her, it would kill him if she died.

@thisisaseriousproblem

That would be lovely, thank you! We’re glad that our releases means that much to you xx

@eriboook

It’s our pleasure (￣▽￣)ノ

@umpm 

We’re already working on chapter 36 of Nijiiro Days. But if you’re asking how much was the volume used for this chapter, it was around $10. You may donate to help us out!

@shoujolover96

Thank you for the nice compliments! You rock, too~!!