Minho couldn’t help but lean forward, brown eyes wide as he stared at the rows and rows of neatly organized make up. They wouldn’t be touching most of it, but he still liked to look. Each little circle of eyeshadow looked like a cookie, firmly pressed together in colorful shades. Like a dyed nilla wafer. 

They looked like they’d taste good, like toothpaste. He almost leaned in to dip a finger onto a palette, if only to see the peachy tones stain the pads of his fingers. He thought it’d look quite pretty. Like the aftermath of coloring with pastels. The merry-go-round of thoughts comes to a halt when he hears a familiar voice floating across the waiting room. 

Seojun’s little face is smiling cutely, piling on compliments to the members of crescent who have come back from the dry rehearsal. Almost as quickly as he stood up to do so, he sat back down in front of the mirrors next to Minho, facade dropping. 

It used to be quite unnoticeable; Seojun’s ability to carry around and wear a mask was almost seamless. Almost. Once noticed though, Minho couldn’t see anything but the little fractures and gaps, little bits and pieces Seojun hadn’t managed to cover up. It’s still strange now, the creeping feeling like he was watching a horror movie after midnight, to see how quickly the brightly lit eyes and wide, pink lipped smile dropped into a dull, bored expression. Minho couldn’t help but frown in response. As much as he liked the other members, as much as the excitement of performing on stage as a back up dancer lifted him up like a balloon, the reminder of Seojun’s inability to be a real human person pushed the joy off a cliff into the deep, dark depths below. He spoke before he could stop himself, words tumbling out bluntly. 

“It must be exhausting to pretend to be nice.” 

I. what. how.

This dialogue is... EXTREMELY weird for Aleksei. Is this Aleksei? Did I miss some story about a new Rhino? Do they think he’s some kind of generic New York tough guy?

‘Good luck on your date.’

‘Next time that you need something, I beg that you literally call anyone else.’

It had been nine months since their breakup and Lili still wasn’t okay.

She didn’t know how to be. How did you fall out of love with someone? She thought ending things with Sam was hard..but that had been a cakewalk compared to the feeling of her heart beating on the outside of her chest, an open and exposed wound to harsh air. Maybe it had been easier with Sam because she had had time to accept their end; maybe because even if she had fantasized about marriage and family, she knew in her heart that he would never be happy with the big dreams she had in store for her. He was a simple small town boy who wanted an easy life and that was not what Lili wanted. Ending a relationship because of different wants and needs was painful, but ultimately better off for everyone involved.

Ending a relationship because feelings had shifted was just messy. And hurtful. And it felt like an act of betrayal, like somebody had shoved a knife into Lili’s back and she couldn’t figure out who had destroyed her trust - herself or Cole. Had she stopped being a good girlfriend? Had she stopped putting in effort? Did she get too comfortable? Had Cole taken advantage of her soft heart and quiet love and wanted something louder and more exciting? Had he forgotten who he had fallen in love with?

Had she just stopped..being easy to love?

Lili had never imagined this future - the one that didn’t have Cole in it. She thought she’d always be able to sink her fingers through his soft locks, tuck away the stubborn curl that sprang back despite her efforts. Or that she’d always get to stare into his cerulean blue eyes with his pupils that grew larger and larger as he stared back because, as he once teasingly informed her, your pupils grew bigger when you were looking at someone you loved.

Loved. She was past tense now. They were past tense. Everything she had treasured, she hadn’t treasured enough. She was beginning to forget the warmth of his hands around her waist pulling her back to his chest in the early mornings. Or how deep his voice could get as he sang along to her Spotify playlist in the shower. The sensation of his lips against her collarbone as he told her he loved her without words and the self assured push he made of her thighs late at night when the physical pull between them was too much. He had become a part of her so that when she moved, so did he and now Lili just felt like she was missing a large piece of herself.

If it was true that your soulmate was made to fill the half of you that was empty, how the hell was Lili supposed to live now that her halve was gone? How did anyone expect her to survive this and be okay and not feel like she was wandering aimlessly for the rest of her fucking life?

The bed was empty, the apartment was silent, and the body was cold. Everybody kept reassuring her that things would feel normal again and that she’d move on but Lili felt like nobody knew what the hell they were talking about. This was not some relationship that started as a drunken one night stand and had lasted for three months before the sex got stale. This was a deep friendship that blossomed into something that Lili could not put into words, only ache in her heart with the love she had for what felt like the most beautiful boy on Earth. He was made for her. She could feel it. Every little atom of his called out for her to love and cherish, even the parts that were rough and required a little extra care. He was her laughter and her sadness and her heart and her home.

And he didn’t care if she moved on.

Lili used to be able to read Cole like he was an open book of her favorite poems, poems she had memorized from reading every day and now his face was shuttered and his words were cold. He was, if she were to continue her metaphor of books, the locked diary she had lost the key to as a child. She knew the words were in there somewhere and she had a vague memory of them but they were lost to her. They weren’t hers anymore.

He used to be hers and now he wanted her to be somebody else’s.

Lili stared at her phone, seeing the strange number typing out if she wanted to grab dinner the next night. This man wouldn’t know her favorite order. He wouldn’t reach for her hand or ask her what she wanted and then order it himself, because he wouldn’t know about her social anxiety. He wouldn’t lean in like he was so damn keen to know every little thought of hers or laugh loudly at one of her jokes.

He wouldn’t be Cole. But Cole didn’t want to be her Cole anymore anyways.

One day Lili would forget what it felt like to be loved by Cole and when you have loved with a love that felt greater than love..

That was the hardest part to get over.

‘You should definitely go for it.’

She remembered Cole’s soft expression as he looked at her, wondering when she stopped noticing it and if she’d ever quit searching for it every time they spoke from now on.

So dinner tomorrow at seven?

She thought of him giving someone else that look and capturing them on film and sending them flowers and sharing parts of himself with them that she had once felt so special to know.

Lili’s fingers hesitated as she went to type out her response.

His lips hadn’t kissed her back the last time they were pressed against hers and he used to devour her hungrily, taking in soft and deep breaths like he was breathing her in to remember later when she left.

His fingers used to cup her shoulders and now he stood inches away from her to make sure none of them touched.

‘Trying to hold myself together for you.’

He was exhausted. And tired. And she was dead weight, and she needed to let him go and move on from her.