#mike rambles

i found my moms old diary in the attic.. it seems like they used to get up to things i can’t find heterosexual explanations for..

I hate it so much. Nothing about it is „cool“ or „special“. It’s terrible and I don’t want anyone to go through it. I wake up every day in pain and go to sleep in pain. If my disability lets me that is. Because the fun thing about the variant of Ehlers-Danlos-Syndrome that I have is that it doesn’t just deteriorate my bones and joints at rapid rates but also gives me insomnia, heart issues that require medication, asthma, hypermobility that sometimes allows for joints to pop out of place and gastrointestinal issues.

I can’t stand for longer than 10 mins without my body feeling like there are nails being shot through every inch of my body. I can’t walk for longer than an hour before my knees and hips start locking and every step is grinding bone against literal bone. I have to be afraid of eating because I never know when my body decides to reject food. I have to lay in bed at night with the fear I may never fall asleep and when I take my heart medication at the wrong time I have to be afraid of never waking up again.

I have one friend who understands my struggle irl. But she gets it because an accident took most of her physical abilities. In my case my body decided to do a magic trick and reject living normally without any outside force.

So yeah. I hate being disabled and I hate that there is no cure for this. I am stuck like this until I die. And that’s a very scary and depressing thought.

Disability isn’t just about the physical issues, it causes mental issues as well. And mental disabilities can cause physical issues too. It all wouldn’t be half as bad if the world actually stopped to listen to people like me and see things from our view. But no one does so nothing changes and disabled people are left to fend for themselves. Every day is a battle and the battle doesn’t stop, it’s not a phase and not a game of pretend. It’s cruel and often disabled people are discriminated against for things outside of our control.

The scope part of the new rig arrived the day before I left for a week-long trip to dark skies as a mentor at an astronomy camp. I got the go-ahead to bring it; the seeing was bad all week so the stars were bloated, but I still had a great time.

From that week:

At top left is Messier 109; the bright star is the bottom-left corner of the Big Dipper's cup. I'd chosen it for first light because I'd never imaged it before and it has a beautiful barred spiral structure. In this cropped version you can see the structure and three faint satellite galaxies to the right, running in a row from above the galaxy to just below and right of it.