#this fluff

Jongup wondered what it would be like to have Himchan here. He thought about the familiar warmth of Himchan’s hand on his knee, or the way the elder man would laugh and carry the mood of the room so high. He would laugh and make jokes and everyone would be talking later about how charming and charismatic Himchan was. Jongup would be proud to show off his boyfriend, even though he knew that if Himchan were there, he would be the one to settle into a comfortable silence and allow his Hyung to do all the talking.

Himchan wasn’t there, though, so he had to carry his own. A friend nudged his side, “So how’s the tour going, man? It feels like you’ve been gone forever!”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s been good.” Jongup nodded, his voice almost drowned out by the boisterousness of those around him. He was tired, yeah, but it was good for him to be out and about and surrounded by familiar people who he had honestly missed.

“Travelling around all the time, did’ya meet any cute girls?” Yoona’s boyfriend was the one to ask, though a couple of the people hooted from around the table at the question. All of his closest friends knew he was shy, and that he wasn’t interested in relationships right now, or so he told them.

“No.” Jongup replied simply with a shrug, “Too busy.” He remembered the night in his hotel in Germany, how Himchan had pinned him down and rocked into him with a firm and steady beat, he remembered Auckland, cuddling in the freezing early morning while Himchan traced shapes against his naked stomach with his non-injured hand. He remembered Toronto, near the beginning, when Himchan had teased him until he was flushed and whining, then pushed him against the wall and kissed him from head to toe in apology. He definitely didn’t have time to meet girls.

Once again, he relaxed into listening to everyone around him, comfortable in the warm familiar sound of their lively conversation. He was happy to just listen, he always was. They discussed their work and hobbies, how dance was going, or how university had progressed. Some were discussing things they planned to get out of the way before enlisting this coming winter. Again, Jongup thought about Himchan and his lips curved into a sad smile. Maybe one day they could be out like this together. 

Soon, the plates were being cleared and everyone was tossing cash onto the bill, getting ready to head out. The guy who’s birthday it was, Kyuwook, had chosen a club he wanted them to attend, and when they stood, he was throing his arm over Jongup’s shoulder, dragging him with them down onto the streets of Hongdae.

Jongup thought for a moment about Himchan. He had made plans, too, to head out in the evening, but it was only for a small event at a local arcade, and Jongup assumed he would probably home already. The other four members had headed home for the weekend, but Jongup and Himchan had remained in Seoul and he guessed Himchan was now taking advantage of the rare silence in their dorm.

He was grateful, in all honesty, that Himchan had made no attempt to influence his evening plans. They had a rare privacy this weekend that they were not often lucky enough to experience, but instead of asking Jongup to come home to him early, all he had done was encourage his boyfriend to enjoy his time out. “Just have a good time, Jonguppie.” He had said when he kissed Jongup’s forehead in farewell, “I love you, and I’ll be here waiting for you when you get home.” He promised with a warm and loving smile. 

Now, however, as he was dragged down into the bowls of a thumping club, he honestly was beginning to regret this whole thing. The music was loud, the dance floor crowded with strangers all grinding up against once another. He didn’t often go out drinking, or go to clubs. He loved dancing, a blind person could see that, but he didn’t like it like this. He didn’t enjoy having his body pressed up against strangers, he didn’t like people touching him. 

When he danced, he wanted to be free. This was constricting and limiting and it had his brows twisting in slight worry at the thought. The thumping beat had him wanting to rock his hips and lose himself in movement, but he didn’t want strangers against him. He wanted Himchan.

“Jonguppie-ah!” Came Seunghwan’s voice from over his shoulder and Jongup turned. A drink was offered to him and he gladly took it, downing it all and pulling a face. It definitely wasn’t soju. Yoona laughed and clapped her hands.

“Come on, Jonguppie!” She said encouragingly. He set the glass down and laughed as others passed the alcohol around. He might as well get into the spirit of it, right? He took a second drink and downed it, then a third. Everyone was laughing and cheering one another on, but still when the group made an attempt at convincing him to join them, he politely declined with a wave of his hand and a slurred excuse.

He took a seat and extracted his phone from his pocket, unlocking it and sending a hasty message.

[Text to Himchan-hyung: Miss you Hyong] 

He didn’t even notice his own typo before pressing send, smiling to himself as another message came through, the phone lighting up in his hand. He wasn’t surprised Himchan responded immediately.

[Text from Himchan-hyung: Miss you too, Baby. You know that.]

Jongup smiled to himself and started to type a response when Kyuwook came and grabbed him by the forearm, dragging him into the mass of dancing bodies. He said something about it being his birthday, and how Jongup shouldn’t be sitting all by himself. 

He barely made it through two songs before he gave up and knew this wasn’t working. He loved these people, he had missed these people, but he didn’t want to be there no matter how hard he was trying.

With one final drink and a string of apologies and half-thought excuses, he was climbing the stairs and jumping into the first cab he found. The drive back to the dorm was quick and he managed to stumble easily into the elevator. It took too long to get to his floor, but when it did, he was punching in the door code and finally was met with the familiar silence of home.

Jongup let the door fall closed behind him and he kicked off his shoes just as Himchan came into the hallway, a toothbrush sticking from his mouth as he looked to his younger boyfriend. Jongup saw how Himchan’s shoulders relaxed and an effortless smile spread across his face. Without a word, he extended one arm to his boyfriend, pulling him in against his chest.

“Mmmm…” Jongup murmured, “Himchannie.” 

Himchan guided them into the bathroom and sat Jongup down on the closed lid of the toilet while he spat and rinsed out his mouth, glancing to the sleepy looking younger, “Have a good time? If you’d called me I would have come to get you.” He responded, taking off Jongup’s cap and brushing his fingers through his messy black hair.

“I missed you.” Jongup responded, leaning forward and burying his face into Himchan’s tummy. He didn’t understand why Himchan was so sensitive about it, he loved that tummy.

The elder man chuckled and brushed his fingers through Jongup’s hair, “I missed you, too. You would have loved the place I was at tonight. Totally your kind of thing.” he said softly, his thumb rubbing over the shell of Jongup’s ear.

Something softened in Jongup’s expression and Himchan frowned, watching the way his tired boyfriend turned his gaze to the floor with a light sigh. The younger didn’t say anything though, and after five years Himchan knew better than to pry. Instead, he loaded up Jongup’s toothbrush and offered it to him, stroking his back the whole time. Then, he guided his partner down the hall and into their room, helping him strip down to his boxers and get into bed.

It wasn’t that late, just past midnight, but still it had taken all of Himchan’s willpower not to call Jongup several times that evening. He knew he worried too much, but he couldn’t help it, not when someone so precious as Jongup was out on their own at bars and clubs with a bunch of people Himchan had never met before.

Jongup rolled in closer and nuzzled his face into Himchan’s shoulder, “How much did you drink, my baby?” Himchan asked, brushing his fingers back through his hair.

“Soju with dinner.. S’more later.. I dunno how much.” Jongup mumbled, smacking his lips. Himchan shook his head and sighed, kissing Jongup’s forehead, “You don’t have to worry so much. I was okay.” Jongup’s half-asleep voice was knowing.

“I know I don’t have to worry so much. I’ll continue to worry anyway, though. I’m just glad you had a good time.” The elder said. He stroked his fingers along the back of Jongup’s shoulder, the brushed them across his spine, hoping to soothe the younger into sleep.

“I didn’t.” Jongup said, “I didn’t have a good time. All I could think about was how much I wanted you to be there. All my friends brought their boyfriends and girlfriends but I couldn’t bring you and all I thought about was-” he paused, yawned, continued, “-Was how much more fun I would have if I had you beside me… Cause you’d be so handsome and charismatic and witty and everyone would love you. And you’d have your hand on my leg and you-you’d put your arm around my shoulder and-”

“Shhh…” Himchan cooed softly, knowing Jongup’s sleepy rambles too well, and knowing if he didn’t stop them, they could go on forever. It did hurt his heart, though, to hear that Jongup felt that way. He knew that there was so much restriction on them, not just as a same-sex couple, but as idols as well. There was so much they couldn’t do, and so much they had to hide, “I’m sorry, baby.” Himchan whispered sincerely, “You know I would have been proud to be there as your boyfriend.”

Jongup nodded and his eyes fluttered open, “I know…” He mumbled. Himchan shifted so that he could look down at Jongup properly.

“I love you, Moon Jongup.” He reminded the younger with a tender brush of fingers across his jaw.