#thinkingstyle

Just a simple comment.

On a post I wrote on a whim..

Basically saying asking, ‘Do I sing? And if so what?’

Do something that makes you happy…

That was basically the response I got, from a single person. That’s all it took.

I forget that sometimes. I get so caught up in the stress and anxiety of wanting to be good and impress someone at the same time that I forget why I even did it in the first time.

Because I enjoy it. It seems silly to even make a point to say it in a post but it’s true, I forget sometimes.

I forget that the whole reason I do it is because I love it, and… I don’t think I’m the only one…

Lately I've been watching lots of old school style videos and one of them caught my interest because I feel like it refers to how I think and how some of you may think too.

Black & White was the title of the video. It spoke about how people often think about things as it being either Black or White and the grey area in between isn’t really seen at all.

One of the references used to explain it was Jean Valjean from Les Miserables, who very much sees the grey area since he steals, but steals to save his sister's starving child, whereas Javert sees it in black and white, it's just stealing for him, end of.

I definitely think like Javert in terms of thinking about what I’m good at which is terrible. I always think I’m either really good at something or really terrible (usually the latter) and it’s awful. Thinking that way destroys me from the inside out and then I manage to hide it from everyone I care about.

And you want to know the worst part of it?

I’m used to it. I’m used to thinking mainly negatively, not breaking things down into smaller sections. I literally do it every day, seeing myself in the mirror, singing, dancing, acting (very musical theatre related I know), I think about everything as either good or bad, right or wrong, black or white.

And I really need to change it, and if you read this and thought, you just described me, then you need to rethink it like I am now. I just described my negative mindset, that I am so used to now that I think nothing of it, until someone else said something to me about it.

Quick, loud, fast

Panic

Worry

Fear

Settling, deep inside

Tears bubbling, brewing, threatening to spill over.

Mixed emotions.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen.

I dread to think what might happen.

I’m scared but I can’t think straight, I mean what am I supposed to do.

Miles away, isolated,

Cut off.

Powerless, I can’t do anything to help and yet I want to do as much as I can...

All I can do is talk.. No not even that, text.

But it’s not enough, it’ll never be enough and yet I wish it could be.

A thousand words cannot result in a single action, even if the action is as small as a smile or an embrace.

I want to be there, a shoulder to cry on and yet distance keeps us apart... All you need is a shoulder to cry on and I know my words could never become that but I wish it could.

Many fight but cannot break through, they cannot get to the heart.