Someday in February Part 2
He makes an effort to show that he means what he says this time as he always does and it ends the same way it always has, him getting too comfortable and taking my kindness for weakness. He texts me to talk and hangout and I reluctantly agree and what always happens, happens. He yells to the top of his lungs that we are just friends and that we (he in particular) are not ready to be in a relationship, yet the rules change when it comes to his doings. We are whatever he wants us to be, whenever he wants us to be it because I allowed it. I allowed it because I miss what we used to be. I miss how I used to feel when he would give me his attention for however many hours at a time. I miss it because I actually felt like someone actually loved me. Like someone actually wanted me. I think it has something to do with the lack of attention I would get from my father/ the slight abandonment issues from my mother... Boys don't really give me attention in that way so when one finally does I try to hold onto it. Although in the moment it is actually hard to believe that someone would actually want me. Due to the abandonment issues mentioned previously, they have unfortunately developed into self esteem issues. I know I have gotten so much better over the years but I still have quite a ways to go before I love myself the way I want to love myself. I feel like I could reach that point in my life if I lose weight and become slim but I know I must be happy in the now because I never know when life can be taken away from me. So I must be grateful for every moment. But it is a work in progress that I acknowledge and vow to conquer. Now back to him...
Today is Valentines Day and even though he has made it very clear that he doesn't care for me... a part of me still thought he would keep his word. That he would follow through with what he said he would do. That he would show what he “felt”. But I've seen him today and he hasn't said a word to me (well he may have said hey to me but I don’t think it was to me). But its for the best because I don’t know how I would react if he were to speak or give something to me. He better keep that same energy for my birthday and the following days because I am tired of his shit. He has constantly hurt me for no apparent reason and this time was the final straw. How dare he humiliate me in front of our friend when he was the one boohoo crying to his friends about how he's so sad I wouldn't even look at him?! And now has the gall to turn everything on me because he has an audience! I don’t and never will understand him. Its not my job too. He can take the mess that is himself and leave me the hell alone because I deserve none of it. I have done nothing but show him kindness and forgiveness time and time again. And what has he done? Stomped on it and spat in my face each and every time. He has no regard for my feelings and wellbeing and this is why I can never associate with him in the way I have before. He doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve my love. He doesn't deserve me.
The hard part is just getting over the memories and feelings. Because through all of the heart ache, there were good moments. There were times where I thought we were moving in the right direction and could actually be something. I see a lot of my father in him and I believe that’s why I care for him so much. It doesn't help that we have so many things in common. When we can just sit and enjoy each other’s company... it meant the world to me. Especially when we would laugh and vibe together... I’m going to miss that. But it must go because these tiny moments aren't worth the days of hurt and pain that soon follows. No amount of happiness is worth being disrespected or treated as less than. I know my worth and so will every other person I meet.
Reflection:
*sighs* unfortunately, the acknowledgement of my double consciousness is a bittersweet reality that'll continue to plague my love life for the near future. As I am sharing these reflections with you all, I have gain a sense of discipline and covenant with God that has saved me from the shackles of accepting less than the bare minimum. However, we are still in the beginning of my love journey. Bear with me readers.
