Since I've got nothing to lose, might as well be 1000% honest about all aspect of my life

Yea maybe I am judgmental 

What of it? 

Do I still come to you about my grievances?

My disdains with they type of person you are and how it contributed to the harm of that little girl you think still I am?

No 

I don’t tell you anything about yourself anymore

Because I know its useless

There’s no point in me being real with you because you always make it about it me

Bringing up mistakes from my past

How I’ve wronged you and your family

But will turn around and say I am apart of that family

As you grant them different graces when they’ve hurt you in ways I couldn’t 

Nah.

Im not apart of your family 

And I never will be

And thats ok

You can’t even get past the things I’ve said and “done” to you 

But I'm supposed to grant you that grace

Nah

Not goin down like that

I know for sure now

Like I’ve always known

That we just can’t talk

Whether it be for the rest of my life or not

Not sure

But I can’t talk to you right now

You will kill every ounce of joy I find in myself if I do

You can't fathom me being happy

Me not being miserable 

As much as you preach about how I shouldn't be hung up on the past it really seems like what you want me to do

To forever feel shitty about what I'VE done to YOU

How I’ve WRONGED YOU

I don't even care anymore

Yet how I feel about the things you and your family have done are always brought up

No matter the conversation

And I'm in the wrong

For knowing what I do and do not like

How I do and do not like being treated

Whatever 

I'm not going to apologize for that

Because you still judge me for the things “I let” happen to me, so you say

You throw in my face almost every time we speak that all has happened to me because I didn't want to hear what you “NEEDED” to tell me

I could never judge and blame someone I love for the evil someone else did to them

And you can’t even see how cruel that is

Whatever 

It's not my job to teach you 

I don't want the job

You're not about to make me constantly want to die

And that’s another thing too

You know I dont have anybody anymore, as I just told you her and I aren’t friends anymore

And this is what you felt was the thing to say to me

Whatever

I pray for true forgiveness and that it’ll come in this lifetime because the blaming of what happened to me is just going to make me further hate you

Further hate how you think

Further hate how you're so disgusted with the person I am

If you hate me so much stop talking to me

Stop forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do

I am not even asking for your counsel or help anymore

Raise the rest of your kids because I don't need you

I tell you I'm in the Bible, learning God

And yet you still think I'm moving on my own accord and answer to myself

I hate speaking and not being listened to and deliberately not being heard

Its so hard to love me? Don't 

I'm not asking you too

Never forcing anyone to do it again

YOU. DONT. HAVE. TOO

Why is that so hard for people to understand/grasp?

That I can indeed be ok without their love?

That I will succeed without their blessings and approval???

Is it because you couldn't do that without your parents’?

And everytime I mention them I'm the shitty person or I take things too far

So. Be. It. 

I'm tired of you misconstruding what I say on purpose

To fit the mold of me you have in your head and will never let go

Fine 

I'm done trying 

Done proving myself to you

Done disproving all the negative thoughts and feelings you have towards me

I'm done

Because you’re going to feel and think what you want anyway

And there’s obviously nothing I can do about it

I've tried my best

Was even vulnerable with you again as I vowed to never do so again after you were so cruel to me 

But I tried again because you’re my parent and I know that’s what God would want

Show me the real of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it God because I know this was to further make me alone

I don’t care anymore God

I understand I don’t need people and that I am too be alone during this period 

So I am ready for the assignment you are to give me

I'm listening

Because I'm not talking to anyone else to listen to them

You and I Lord

Tell me what you want me to do

Tell me how im supposed to not want to off myself when this is what I have “family” wise

Please tell me

Please give me a sign

Please help me through these times of people further pushing me down when they know I'm already down. 

I know now to not to let them know about my grievances and only take them to you

I. Get. That. Now. 

So what’s next 

I know its something

I feel it

Bad things happen right before a blessing comes

I know something great is to come from the pain I feel

I just know it

In your name I pray