#theseiwrite

And whatever cliché-saying people say to be honest and real…

I just miss my best friend

Making you laugh, and that real and honest romance we rolled in,

Oh and I can’t forget that Pup I adopted;

They always seem to ignore that part in the movies. I guess I’m not supposed to miss that Pup, though I was never one for following the rules. 

But; right, brass tax;

I miss you Girl.

Even though I didn’t admit it, til almost a year later,

It, will always be the sweetest grief I will ever know.

And I know we haven’t spoken in months.

How many times have you written a letter for me that read “to who it may concern”?

You’ve bent over backwards,

You’ve broken yourself and your heart,

You’ve done the impossible,

And sacrificed the unthinkable,

Been a hero and a villain,

More times than not,

A triumphant hero,

You’re something the greatest man can never deserve.

A person who doesn’t keep score.

And always sees me as a winner.

When I lose you’re there to pick me up.

I cry and weep for all humans who don’t have you to call Mother.

I never expect another to read this and understand my words and meaning.

And even you and your humbleness will dismiss this, to a degree.

You and I both know and understand you have made mistakes.

And if there’s a God, He knows I’ve made so many mistakes.

When I look in the mirror,

I know I would’ve made an exponential amount more, and were you not there to guide me.

That frightens me, because mine have been so grave.

Forgive my rambling on, and my no rhyme prose.

In darkest of nights, with the darkest of thoughts,

You are the spirit that holds my hand, and gives me strength to face another day.

For my heart to keep a rhythm, when I beg it not to beat.

You are my superpower that keeps me going.

I know, tragedy has struck us, and has split me from you.

Sometimes a man must venture I believe, and fend for himself.

I hope, and I pray, that you know my energy, my will, and my faith, and you haven’t have left me; it is your memory and your love that keep me honest, true, keep me from giving up.

From one Son to a Mother,

You are my strength from beyond.

I promise you, I will rejoin you, someday.

I think of You and my family everyday; blood or otherwise.

I will stand tall. I will look you in the eye, and I will tell you that I have conquered and have become a man.

I will say, among all the things I have experienced, all the places I’ve been, all the wars I have fought, and all the Man I have yet to and already become; I am who I am, and I am who I will become, it is because you are my Mother. I am an imperfect man, full of flaws, but full of the capacity and capability to love; that comes from no one but You.

I don’t know a place,

I can’t think of a line,

There’s nothing about you that I could ever replace,

I am out of every rhyme,

My wanted future I hate that it’s misplaced,

I’ve given you no way to be mine,

Only grief for you and your family to embrace,

A Grand Canyon hole I’ve thrown for you to climb,

I know things will never be the same; not even a trace,

I wish to see your smile, to see a laugh, to be a charm to your chime,

I’m sorry my love, I’m sorry my Jagiya,

I don’t know what to do,

I’ve strangled us to hypoxia,

I can’t believe I’ve forced your hand into a land of “we’re through”,

I’ll never forget or forgive myself; for us having this view.

A stool with my forearms on a bar,

Or my back pressed on the couch,

My head down in the shower,

My hands working, worn, and bruised,

Or me on my knees with tears in my eyes, I’m still sad, empty, and inescapably thinking of you.

I can’t tell you how many times my heart has beckoned.

I can’t tell you how many times my voice has strained at extremes.

I can’t tell you how many times my hand wanted to write words and endless paragraphs to and for you;

but my hand shakes and shudders.

How my paper falls apart from being weakened by my mistakes falling in tears.

It just falls apart wanting be joined with You; Just like me.

I would’ve held you a little longer

I would’ve kissed you a little stronger

I would’ve slept in and pulled you closer

I would’ve made love to you and asked for another

Time would’ve bent to my will and I would’ve froze

Time, is what I would’ve chose

I would’ve danced a little slower

I would’ve spun you around and prayed it wasn’t over

I would’ve done so many things; anything, and everything

But.

Now we’re here, and the choice is no longer mine

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for it to be different, another time.

Not ones when you’re smiling for no reason

Or ones where you’re simply at peace

Ones where you’re looking at me

Or ones where you’re reading

When you’re happy

Or even sad

Candid or staged

None I can hold with my hands

None where you’re lost in thought

I have none of you holding my hand

Or any of us walking together

I don’t have a single picture of when you’re feeling sexy around me

Or you feeling real emotion

Not a single picture of you getting ready for a date with me

Or doing something you love

I have only so little to hold on to you

Though I still do, it’s only just a little bit that I need

I still hold on. I know I’m Fucking batshit crazy, and I’m still crazy for you.

And I want so much more, but I’ve been standing in front of the lense.

Some things change. Some things never will.