These Things I Write

A place where I breathe a final sigh of relief’s release.

This can’t be all for naught.

God, please, this can’t be all for nothing.

Hell it’s been years now I know.

Back then it was You;

I write so much but only end up writing…Your name, so I guess it still is.

I’ve had no greater honor in my life than to serve this great nation I call home.

Even after the war and all the battles I’ve fought.

Even now standing here a broken man,

I would do it all again in a heartbeat, for You.

And My darlin, I could and would say the exact same thing about You.

I would wholeheartedly answer the call again,

Unfortunately I’m ineligible for service now.

A string strong melody lowly hums in the background of my missing you,

I wander in memories and end in a place where my mirror couldn’t adult,

It’s a solemn sanctuary akin to a fleeting campground,

When I’m chasing you around my thoughts I don’t ponder the end,

I don’t finish on a sad song somehow I finish on an unwritten place I belong,

I visit you often in a lyric or poem I’ve written glad of the love time I everyday spend,

I make people feel and know Your name without saying a word just with my voice and my heart in a song.

I’d hold my breath but answer on the second ring,

I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to say but I know what I might,

I know it’d start from a love strong heartfelt headspring,

If you called me tonight babe,

I’d flow or freeze although I’d know a flash of a thousand memories of us before my voice picked up,

A song could and would play our remembered romance from my lips like a reminiscing heart color cassette tape,

If you called tonight I wouldn’t know what to say but I know I’d say “I love You” one more time before we hung up.

There was only Your voice and kiss,

God knows you enchanted me with Your ways always lost in your maze,

It’s not that pretty warm day sun that sings me from a lonely abyss,

I’d say it’s Your God damn memory,

It stops me in the middle of a okay day,

Taps my reservoir til it’s spent my hardy energy,

I well up at your voice ringing in my ear a tear running down my face although strangers only see my practiced display.

God damn.

I welcome it, but against the walls of me Your memory seems to always slam.

In this room of nightly dark silence,

I hear, I sense, and sometimes I feel;

Sometimes it’s your laugh and perfect smile,

And other times it’s your sigh and terrible cry,

But it seems in all moments I think of You.

The only thing I know is sorrow and spent soil,

What’s it like where you are?

I hope it’s not like here and full of turmoil,

How is it next to you?

Maybe it’s beautiful and in a hopeful place,

I know it’s probably serene where possibility will always keep it’s pace,

I wonder what it’s like there,

If I came and wandered into an old home space,

Selfishly I’d wish and know you’d recognize me like a past retrace,

I’d emit light into a past like a name you once knew,

Make a memory flash from a place only from where we once grew,

I wish I knew what it’s like right there next to you.

Or do what they say and move on?

How am I supposed to let go of this grief and this awesome yearning,

When it’s all I have left it’s them that keeps me warm in the winter even though I know it’s me who’s burning.

With the door closed,

Because when I wake groggy and confused in the middle of the night

I can pretend,

I can hope it’s You,

It’s You that’s there up for a midnight break,

And I force myself asleep again before I come to reason.

Because the sane awake me,

knows Your gone.

I can still feel your smile and how our love had no space between us two,

Although I still remember this past winter and the ones before that too,

So I guess you’re in every season of my everything terribly and blissfully reminiscently is stained with You. 

Felt the pelting rain,

And come accustom to this cold,

But I often wondered,

Can you feel my soul yearn for Yours?

Do you feel my hand reaching out and the space between your fingers?

Babe I wanted us,

What I thought would be my life,

Has ended up in flames,

The girl I thought would be my wife,

To now can’t even say my name,

Almost 3 years gone,

It’s crazy to feel this feeling,

In my heart I knew a better field some greener lawn,

That dream snatched from my hands and left me kneeling heartfully reeling,

Oh mistakes a man aged as me then I shouldn’t have made,

Our memories and the ones I’ve kept of us are just a sharp blade,

Though I purposefully bleed upon the shelf of us I have displayed,

It’s an ode to the many things I’d quickly and totally trade,

But this is all I have anymore.

“What is grief? If not just love persevering.”

And so this grief I feel means you still live here in my chest.

You’ve decorated the halls and carved your spirit into every corner,

“Only, Forever.” wasn’t just some play thing I threw around,

It’s evident of the strength in this yearning.

For those mistakes,

How do I get by with wanting you.

How do I my love,

How.

Where we’d be today,

I think your last name would be different,

I think you’d understand sacrifice better,

Maybe appreciate loyalty more,

You’d know steadfastness now,

And believe in a given vow,

If I could change everything,

We’d know what real and true love could look like,

All we would’ve had to do is hold each other in a reflection.

Even if tomorrow we awoke to our worlds disappeared and dismembered,

My love for you would remain,

Pathetic and triumphant,

Like ether and dust,

But still remained.

But still and only forever.