(Continued from the previous post becuase that shit would have been too TL;DR)
Oh geez, this is already so fucking long, who's gonna read this shit anyway.
Let's move on cause IDGF. Â the inside man. Let me explain that, so No.1 - Â family, my family is huge, No.2 - Â religion, I'm a Muslim, still am even though I'm gay, I need god and it's as simple as that, No.3 - Community, the Muslim community is very tightly knit together especially in the west and especially in small towns. Now that we have that, let's break it down:
My family, on my mom's side, is now 20 people, miss you grandma, my dad's side of the family is, drum roll please, ….a whopping fucking 80 people, miss you grandpa. That's a 100 people all together. That's a fucking small village. And this shit isn't even including close relatives and family friends, who are basically family. That's a lot of goddamn people. Now being the first of a 100 people to come out is terrifying. Do you understand that it's basically me tossing a coin, heads they still love me tails they fucking kick me out and on the off chance it lands on its side (Shaolin Soccer style, great movie, btw) it’s somewhere in the middle. That’s a big fucking gamble to take. That's why I am scared about my future. If I marry a man (which I want to do) and have babies (also on the bucket list), then I have to consider 100 people who are my family knowing my truth and their reaction to said news . Statistically my chance of keeping this family are not all that great. 20% of the 100% live in the USA, so we can assume they may be progressive and may accept my truth (although my parents have kind shifted that perspective for me), so let's change it to 10%. 80% of the 100% live in Pakistan, an Islamic country and very in culture compared to the west. So I can't expect acceptance from there, hope but nothing solid. So, in the end, I may potentially have a support from my blood family of 10% out of 100% (Is that how math works, I don't know I didn't pay attention to that in school). of course i also said it was like a village, 100 people, maybe they wont care so much about a single person.
So that leads me into the religious aspect of it all. Islam says that being a homosexual is one of the greatest sins. It also says that God is kind, merciful, forgiving, loving, just and good. Now from my logical perspective, I can’t see or understand, how a god that is all those things could condemn someone to a life of pain and misery and suffering. why would i as a Muslim, choose for my self to go down a path of exile and hardship, if i didn’t know that god, in some way or another, has got my back. But I don't want to get into the whole religious aspect, because that is an issues that will remain an issue to close minded people, for a long time. All I know is that I have made peace with my god and I am more than happy to receive what may come to me on the day of judgment, because i have faith in the man upstairs. And that's all I'll say about that. Btw, i just want to say that since i came into my own truth i have been more closer to god than i ever was living a lie, so explain that bitches!
Now, finally the last one. (If you made it this far, i applaud you and since its been a while, Hey!) The community. The Muslim community is and always has been very tightly knit. This becomes even more apparent when you take Muslims out of a country that is Islamic, at its core, and drop them off into the Wild Wild West ( another movie reference, except i didn’t see that shit). Everyone knows everyone and if there is something going on in a particular family the news is bound to ripple out to the entire collective. It's like a book club a group of suburban housewives started to read books but it's actually for keeping tabs on everyone's lives. So coming out to my family sure “easy peas”, but also coming out to the entire community ummm...I don't know. we all know when Linda May has shit going on at home and it's too different and controversial, it's time to slowly ice out the may’s family and toss poor ol’ Linda to the curb. no more block BBQ’s, book club or play dates. its tough being Linda and the May’s. Do you get what i mean?
Of course this is all hypothetical and only commencing these events would we actually come to see the outcome, but I'm just saying that's a pretty comprehensive look into my brain as I try to go to sleep (which I am trying to do right now but actually can't because my fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and stop thinking about stupid shit.
See, this one was shorter, well not really, but i don’t fucking care. The next one will be shorter, or it won’t, fuck you!Â
Thanks for reading and tune in next time for more stories.
