#there is no progress

Pssst... How's it going?

Sometimes I look at my waning engagement with the world around me, my friends, family, yt channel... and wonder why am I so mentally exhausted/absent. Am I just changing? It's not like I don't care any less. It actually frustrates me how low my tolerance seems to have become. But then I spend a week with dig and realize how utterly draining he is. Despite being more cognizant of the onslaught that is his presence he still drains the life put of me and gets upset when I say I'd rather spend time alone when he says being around me is draining. I think he wants me to want to be around him but I don't, not to the degree he needs it and certainly not as much as he wants it. I ultimately feel like I'd feel better if he wasn't always such a drain on my mental wellbeing. And it's not like he take the time to help build me back up. He isn't available for emotionally constructive talk even when he says he's happy to, he doesn't know how to be an emotionally safe person to talk to. But if I told him that I'm the fucking asshole who can't change and make space for him to trample me. Cool cool.

i know what ur thinking tho--’why do u watch b99 if ur so critical ??’

the where would i not absolutely loathe to live? list, round three (which is 99% identical to round two because i have no idea what i'm doing anymore)