#without struggle

LOTUS FLOWER

The flower itself is beautiful, but like most things, we don’t see the struggle, we only see the results. All of us can appreciate beauty. Some of us even know the lotus flower is used extensively in Buddhist art. How many of us know why?

The flower starts its life in murky water. Deep in the bottom of ponds far from any direct light. It struggles to take root and sprout upwards. Then the flower fights its way through the harsh underwater environment where possible predators needing food may devour it. Then, finally, it emerges onto the surface where it blooms beautifully for the world to see.

The lesson conveyed is simple; without struggle there is no growth. We fight, we hurt, we kick and scream our way through life as we struggle to grow and evolve as human beings. No matter the murkiness, no matter how dark it may seem, we will resurface and bloom for the world to see.

THE STRUGGLE

I'm a convict right. Aggravated Assault with a deadly weapon is my current charge I'm on parole for. That was fine when I was doing live production and working soundboards but Corona virus changed the landscape. I've been unemployed since then. I filled out a 117 job applications in the last two weeks and been told no 117 times.

Because of my financial situation my pregnant girlfriend and her small children had to move back to a place that was financially secure. She is an RN right. Unfortunately, she also has stage 4 cancer. So while three different teams of doctors are figuring out how her, and both twins will survive the pregnancy I have strived for new levels of self-sacrifice, emotionally, while taking a very minimalist approach to my personal survival. No internet. No television. Beans and rice. Whatever it takes to not do what so many ex-cons do and re-offend while providing her all the necessary emotional support I can through Facebook messenger.

I just received a message from my cousin's wife informing me that my Aunt is about to be sued. The reason for that is because there is a $2,000 debt behind my biological father being cremated. This happened around the time I became unemployed. I explained to the funeral home what was happening and that I would not be able to take care of it for quite some time. Apparently, they are just going to take her to court and get their money anyways.

Money is the root of all of the problems in my life. I had a very unhealthy relationship with it for most of my adult life because of how I acquired it. Drug dealer me would have paid the $2,000 upfront and used it as an opportunity to visit the Midwest. South Bend is a lovely college town and my Aunt is a kind soul.

Now, I reflect. I'm going within and finding the balance between money and spiritual growth. Bank account? Gone. Investments? Gone. Car? Completely illegal. House? Paid for by others.

Nothing about this is normal and plenty of people have overcame more right?

So why did my head cave in the second they locked us down?

What do I have control over?

The quote in the picture really drove home the gravity of the situation for me. Worry serves no purpose and knowing I broke a promise, regardless of why, won't fix the situation. Doubling down on my effort to gain employment and staying present- allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of emotions without attachment is the only course I have.