#therapy schmerapy

It's not a debate, I am just having a deeply personal experience and writing about that. I don't think anyone online can decide what A will or won't take personally. She knows it's personal and she knows, in a way, it is about her. And of course she also knows everything that it isn't. She's an excellent therapist or, as she likes to say about herself, she's absolutely brilliant.

However, I absolutely do not agree that "any good therapist" will be very used to this. Ideally that would be the case, but there's nowhere near enough therapists who are comfortable and trained enough to work with the kind of transference and confusion that can happen with people with DID. My previous therapist - T, for long time followers - was very well trained and experienced, but completely fucked shit up because she couldn't see through the fog of my transference.

So now you did actually start a debate because I will never agree that "any good therapist" can do this shit. I've had too many therapists fuck up and I've seen too many people I love been deeply hurt, abandoned or even retraumatized by therapists who don't know how to do the deepest attachment and transference work.

And that's not an accusation, because I don't expect any good therapist to be able to do this, because this work is not for anyone. It's simply a statement and I don't really feel like having more of a conversation about this.

PS - yes I'm being prickly. I'm writing about my personal experiences (which are not "so common" because there's barely any research/literature on mdsa/attachment - especially cases where the mother also has DID) and truthfully I don't care about any blanket statements about what "you therapists learn early in training" (which, idk to which magial therapist school you apparently went, but over here working with the deep relational bits of complex trauma and dissociation is absolutely not taught in early therapist training, and also not in late therapist training unless a therapist is personally motivated to focus on it)

"This is a stupid idea..but whatever."

Write the word(s) that come to mind after each given word.

ROUGH: “Sex. Borderline make-me-fear-for-my-life sex.”  HIDE: “Cards. Tricks. Intentions. Feelings.” FOOLISH: “...Love.” SAD: “…that's life.” *Finger-guns*. HATE: “Silence and all it has to say.”  LIGHT: “All my burning bridges." DARK: "Where the fun begins.”  MOTHER: “Left me young.”  FATHER: "Raised me wrong.”  CHILD: "My world.”  MARRIAGE: "Statistically likely to end in divorce…”  LOVE: "Foolish.” SOFT: “Boobs.” PET:  “Dogs.”

DREAM: “Nightmares.”

DIVORCE: “Proof that love is dead.”  WATER: “Calming.”  LOUD: “Boom.” ANNOUNCEMENT: “Something is always happening."   POWER: "Mind.”  FIGHT: “I really shouldn't.”

SMACK: “Asses, obviously.” WHITE: "Clinic rooms. Floors. Walls.”  SICK: "Aether.”  KISS: “My ass."   HUG: “...don't touch me." HURT: “…head.”  HAPPY: "Once.”

Tagging: @enambris | @thegildedgun | @tigjax | @matter-of-a-pinion | @faustinebellamy | @dumb-hat | @hotaruffxiv | @sundered-souls | @lavender-hemlock | @solaire-and-magia | @wildgirlcinna | @pirates-and-necromancers | @vivah-valentini | @spellsandtales |

So I'm both relieved that we possibly won't be able to talk about it (again) because of my sister's text, and I'm upset because I know we need to go there even if I don't want to.

And A has read my emails this morning but she said she didn't have time to read the poems (the scary, disgusting, shameful poems that I sent to her after she invited me to) and she doesn't think she has time to read them before session. So that's a bit sickerning. I hope she won't want to read them with me in the room. She often tries to get me to read my poems out loud but I just can't. Sometimes after I deny reading them out loud, she reads them out loud, and usually that is fine or even beautiful but with these words??? Please noooooo.

This morning A replied. She wrote that she thinks the very big no started when she created space for me in the coming weeks, asked if we're still "after-guilting" about that? And wrote that there's a lot happening at the moment, so she understands the conflicting feelings and longings. She invited me to write the poems, she said "that's more of an internal fight than one with me, I think".

Sent her two poems. One I still had to censor a bit (one word) because it simply felt too horrible. Of course A didn't reply anymore and I see her on tuesday and she's not working the rest of the week, so I don't know if she'll read her email on monday. I'm anxious as fuck. I feel the extreme urge to WRITE or MAKE THINGS but also feel so empty.

I think so! She was off of work last week and on monday we had a very meta conversation about our relationship, how it developed over the years. We really talked in depth about the period after her partner had a pretty serious accident and had to have multiple surgeries over the course of ?a year? - long time followers may vaguely remember this. It was really rough and it was very beautiful/special to be able to look back on that with A now. She was very open & honest about how that played into how she was towards me then - and how that may have continued to have an effect between us.

Some things she said were not easy to take in, but because she was so honest herself it was manageable to talk about it. It has left me feeling very raw and confused. Not necessarily in a bad way, I'm just feeling a bit (okay: very) weird about it. I'm both relieved and anxious to have an online session tomorrow. I hope we can talk about it a bit more.

I dunno, there's probably so much more to say about this, but I'm really exhausted so I'm gonna leave it at this (also it all feels very uninteresting for people to read so I feel self conscious about that). But it means a lot that you were thinking of me & sent this ask, thank you!!