it's like, yeah, I'm trying to be rational and trying to calm myself down, but then that little voice keeps cutting through all other noise - what if it actually happened this time? what if something happened to A? what if she's never coming back? what if, what if, what if, and it's getting harder to breathe and I feel so stupid but what if, this time, I'm not stupid, I'm right instead? anger and upset has been loudest but tonight, tonight I'm scared and it makes me shiver deep inside. what if something happened.
it's like, I need to post about it. because then if the worst happens, I can tell everyone I already knew. see, see, I told you so. it's as if someone inside believes that if we already know, it won't hurt as much. which is dumb. but also feels very important right now.
