#the gurdyroot

When you have to start getting in shape after being lazy all summer

When you have to think about dodging bludgers again

When you realize the extra exercise from quidditch will help you hatch hella eggs on PoGo

When other teams are already announcing their tournaments

When you and your friends catch up on everything you’ve missed

When you see the new freshmen who are joining the team

Local blue team played in the finals of the Challenge Cup this past weekend, winning 120*-10. They credit this win to their beaters, Sean Adams and Lacey Allan.

“We couldn’t have done it without them,” says chaser Tate Jacks. “They Were always right where we needed them to be.”

The beater pair played for much of the game, only subbing out once for a very brief water break. They never once lost bludger control. The opposing yellow team was completely overwhelmed, and found it virtually impossible to break through the blue team’s defense.

“We did our best, but those beaters were amazing,” says the blue team’s captain. “We didn’t really have a chance.”

Spectators certainly noticed the beaters as well. As the crowds walk off of the pitch, it is all they can talk about.

“Did you see her beat that guy in the face?”

“The keeper didn’t even need to play with those two on the pitch.”

“I though the snitch grab was really good.”

“Shut up, Sara.”

The beaters themselves credit their win to their team’s ability to communicate, and to their chaser’s understanding of beater play.

“The chasers know that we are doing our best, and they know how to maximize our potential,” says Lacey. “They know that we are trying to give them an opening for a shot, and if they don’t take advantage of that, it’s not on us.”

It’s a hard time of year right now. Nationals are over and the season is coming to a close. Some of us will be returning to our teams in the fall, and some of us are moving on to bigger and better things. It doesn’t matter if you’re only saying goodbye for a few months or if you’re saying goodbye forever- we recommend you NOT listen to these songs.

1. Graduation (Friends Forever)- Vitamin C

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “As we go on we remember/ All the times we had together”

2.Where Does the Time Go- A Great Big World

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About - “Today will stick with me forever/ Even if we have to say goodbye”

3. Don’t You (Forget About Me)- Simple Minds

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “Slow change may pull us apart”

4. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)- Green Day 

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “So take the photographs and still frames in your mind/ Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time”

5. I’ll Remember- Madonna 

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “I’ll remember the way that you changed me”

6.  Adventure of a Lifetime- Coldplay

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “Turn Your Magic On/ Umi she’d say/ Everything you want’s a dream away”

7.  I’ll Be There for You- The Rembrandts 

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “Someone to face the day with/ Make it through all the rest with”

8. It’s Time- Imagine Dragons 

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “I don’t ever wanna let you down/ I don’t ever wanna leave this town”

9. Farewell- Rihanna

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “Somebody is gonna miss you/ Farewell/ Somebody is gonna wish that you were here”

10. Days of Summer- Starkid

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “I don’t wanna see you go/ But it’s not forever, not forever”

11. Boats and Birds- Gregory and the Hawk

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About - “You can skyrocket away from me/ And never come back if you find another galaxy/ Far from here with more room to fly/ Just leave me your stardust to remember you by”

12. This is Gospel- Panic! At the Disco

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About - “If you love me let me go/ Truth be told I never was yours”

13. Pompeii- Bastille

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “But if you close your eyes/ Does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all”

14. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Lyric You Really Shouldn’t Think About- “Remember the day I set you free/ I told you you could always count on me darling”

15. Fire and Rain - James Taylor

“Bruh get some originality.”

1) Wait, so, like Harry Potter?

*Sigh* “Yes. Like Harry Potter.”

2) How do you fly? 

“We don’t. Yet.”

3) How does the snitch work?

“How much time do you have?”

4) Yeah, I’m a real athlete. 

(Does there even need to be a response here?) (We didn’t think so.)

5) *Insert Harry Potter pickup line here*

“Wow, that’s hilarious. If only I hadn’t already heard it 5268 times before.”

6) I’ll come watch you guys play sometime.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

7) Hey, you ever heard of quidditch pong?

“Heard of it, played it, made it my bitch.”

8) Like role-playing? Isn’t it time you grew up?

“Isn’t it time you stopped being a dick?”

9) I don’t think I could tackle a girl.

“Well, they have no problem tackling you.”

10) So does that mean you’re a Gryffindor?

“THERE’S MORE THAN ONE FUCKING HOUSE, OKAY?”

6. The Misinformed Parent

They mean well. They’re here to show their support, not matter how little they actually know about quidditch. They are often heard quoting outdated rules such as “The snitch doesn’t have to stay on the field. He can do whatever he wants”, or “He has NO RULES EVER”. Will usually congregate with other misinformed parents. The best ones bring snacks.

5. The Significant Other

You drag your bae to a game, and they’re less than impressed. They’ve come because they know how important this is to you, but they don’t really want to be there. They will spend most of their time on their phone, only looking up when the rest of the crowd cheers. The rest of the team knows that your relationship won’t last much longer.

Besides, if it’s not quidcest, is it really true love?

4. The Frat Guy(s)

Maybe they’re here to bang the hottest girl (or boy/other-gendered individual!!) chaser. Maybe they’re here because they saw the crowd and thought there’d be free beer. No matter what the situation, the frat guy is the person loitering on the sidelines and asking stupid questions (so, like, how do you fly?) (do your balls not get hurt?), and making not-so-under-his-breath comments about the stupidity and lack of athleticism of the game. Though one can probably hashtag #notallfratguys, we can safely say that all of the people just mentioned will be involved in Greek life. 

3. The Team You’re Playing Next

This group will sit away from everyone else, usually on the sidelines just besides your hoops. They want to see how you’re playing today. Is your team missing any players? Are there any injuries? What are your weaknesses? They’ll know everything by the time the snitch is released.

2. The Over-Enthused Alumnus

You’re here to support your former team, and you know what? Cheering is good! But when you, a 23+ year-old with a job and everything, are wasting the day at a college quidditch tournament, you might need to rethink your life choices. True, the love of quidditch never dies, but perhaps from now on you should enjoy it quietly…and from afar.

1. The Other Sports Players

They showed up to practice, and they don’t really know how to react once they realize their field has been taken over. Some of them will leave immediately, but a few will wander around and end up at your game. They’ll watch for a few minutes, trying to figure out what is going on, but will leave when they understand that you’re not leaving the field anytime soon.

Bonus: The Dog

Last season, a local quidditch team’s record was 2-7. Their average point differential was in the negatives. This year, something is different. Their current record is 9-0 and their average point differential is 79.   The secret to their success? The captain smiles conspiratorially when he tells me their tactic (a new and fucking enlightened idea, if you ask me): defense. 

Readers, I've seen the game played several times. I've played the game. But never in my years as a quidditch aficionado have I seen this much power, this much finesse on a team’s defensive line. I know, I know. I'm getting ahead of myself. I just can't help gushing about the revolutionary simplicity that is this new tactic. That is, at the precise moment during a game when normally all four chasers race down the pitch, one chaser was not present. Oh no, readers, instead, the fourth chaser (you know, the different one; usually big and tall with the special green headband) could be found in the most unlikely of places: the keeper zone. 

Six years ago, a group of students founded Local University’s first quidditch team. What started with a small group of friends quickly evolved as the team began winning tournaments all over the region. Once they earned a coveted spot at the World Cup 8, it was clear that they were becoming the big dogs on campus.

When the team first came together, they were considered a “student club”. Last year, they officially joined the university’s Athletic Department, which gave them access to better fields, better practice times, and more funding.

“Their record has surpassed that of our football team, our baseball team, and our rugby team,” University President says, seeming unsurprised by this turn of events. “There’s no way we could ignore that. We really just wanted to show our support.”

To kick off this year’s quidditch season, the school held the First Annual Quidditch Parade, to celebrate the quidditch team and their successes. Each float held at least one player from the quidditch team, and was driven through the small town before ending at the football stadium back on campus, where the University President had an announcement.  

“Effective immediately, the Football Stadium will now be known as the Quidditch Pitch, in honor of our fantastic quidditch team,” he said, causing cheers and obscenely loud roars from the large crowd of students and locals.

The student body has certainly shown their support as well. Once the team was accepted into the athletic department, more students tried out for the team than ever before. This year, they have had to turn away nearly three times as many players as they did last year.

“We want to accept everyone who tries out, but we just can’t,” team captain says, shrugging. Though his words are apologetic, his eyes tell a different story, sparkling with pride.

Many of the students who do not join the team become fans, traveling to tournaments to cheer for another University victory. A bus has been designated by the school for the team and a few very lucky fans, featuring a collage of professional pictures of the team. Everyone at this school seems to be in awe of this team and the impact it is making on the community.

However, this does not bode well for other sports at the University. Attendance at football games has reached an all-time low, as many quidditch tournaments coincide with football games. 

“As soon as the quidditch team joined the department, students just lost interest in the football team,” head coach says. “They have it all. Gender equality, community support, no harassment or rape scandals, funding. Football just can’t compete with that.”

It looks as though the basketball team will have an equally disappointing season. Before the formation of the quidditch team, basketball games were a major source of entertainment at the school. This year, they have sold fewer season tickets than ever before, leaving prime seats, as well as the student section, empty.

In contrast, quidditch tournaments are overflowing with students. For every tournament more than an hour away, University provides a “spirit bus” to help transport students.

“We’re thrilled by the encouragement we’ve received from the school,” team captain says. “we hope that we continue to make them proud.”