#the blue void

Usually those will give us forces that drive us towards a goal like “show kindness to those beings we love” or “finish this task” and then we either follow those forces or we’re stuck

We usually aren’t that concrete and don’t stay for that long to object anyways so we just do whatever the forces want us to do, which often just feels like what we feel like doing

And like like sometimes when we switch there’s like a brief confusion and then the forces just keep us going. It’s be like “huh whats happening” and then we proceed to keep reading the code and fixing the bug.

And like when those forces aren’t present or aren’t really guiding us we become very lost and chaotic and that’s where we feel the clusterfuck state.

I also know those forces won’t normally fight but I really really hope they don’t fight. That sounds scary. <- thinking if clusterfuck state could be result of this

I am retrieving so many memories back, and reclaiming all those discarded fragments of myself back to being me. So many things are returning and assembling into my timeline, and I’m also slowly reaching out to old communities and an old friend that was important for me.

I think the schizoid fragmented memory thingy is indeed a dissociation / self function deprivation thing, and not an neurodivergency since born.

I never realized my life was So Fucking Full. I couldn’t remember bc I was always deleting accounts, making secret accounts, withdrawing, cutting ties, and not looking back, but I really done a lot of stuff, and with my attempts to be at least somewhat genuine, I made a lot of friends.

It’s not like “person will know what im doing and this part of me will be exposed”, more like, “person will look at this and get curious, and I do not want to explain this particular thing”.

There are 2 different phases for me, 1 is before august before I gained the ability to form actual identities & after where I'm more integrated and no longer fit in actual szpd diagnosis (personally I don't think pd could be "cured" where we are not distinguishable from neurotypicals, but even if it could, I wouldn't want to be that way)

(Note: I have referred to the august event with various terms, like august event, integration event, birth event, rebirth event, incarnation, etc., they're all the same thing that happened within those few days, I just haven't settled on an actual name yet)

Before:

I explained a lot of it in this post: hyperlink (not everything tho, there's a lot in szpd)

Usually szpd is associated with a "split self", a false self that masks and interacts with the world, and a true self that goes hiding. However I feel like there's a lot of confusing about what true self is and what false self is, and for me personally, it barely touches the full picture.

I personally used a 3 parts system - the mask, the soul, and the void.

The void: some schizoids described having an inner child, but for me, there was only an inner void. The inner void was Hungry and Yearning for something to the extreme, usually felt with excruciating pain. I couldn't understand what it was, and nothing could ever get to touch it. Usually when I'm trying to socialize more genuinely, the yearning gets more intense, but with no fulfillment. When I'm away from people the pain gets less, the void became numb.

The soul: This is the conscious dealing with fragmented sense of self. I explained a lot of this in this post: hyperlink . This is the me that was consciously trying to interact with the world and the people behind the mask, the me that has been experiencing schizoid symptoms, and the me that's currently typing this post. I couldn't form a real identity, and every time I tried to, it'd be split off & killed off from me, and I became nothing again. I also couldn't identify with the body, and due to a combination of schizoid symptoms but most prominently fear of engulfment, I also felt like I couldn't interact with the world, and I'm instead stuck in a weird limbo. I felt like I was trapped within my own body, and for like a year I even developed delusion/psychosis for it (don't remember the exact time span).

The mask: this is my symptom of compulsive masking, for me it's the most tricky concept to explain, but I think most covert schizoids could understand. The mask was my outward expression and persona that's interacting with the world, trying to fake a friendly and quirky person. I struggle to say that the mask has no one in it now given my current knowledge, but at the time, I felt like the mask had no one in it, and was just a fake cover up of my true natures. It had multiple functions, here to list a few: protecting fragmented/vulnerable sense of self (fear of engulfment), trying to provide a facade of sociable human so others don't get hurt, and an attempt to make connections I could have had if I were not to be a schizoid.

There are many things that contributed the mask, the lies I made, the person I thought I should have became, my constant attempts to be as genuine as I could without an identity, teenage me trying to use empathy I have towards fictional character towards me in tangible world and trying to act as if, and probably others I couldn't name.

However an interesting thing is that, looking back at it, many elements in my mask has been genuine at some point, but whenever it's put out into the world, I (the soul) would disown that part of self. That element in the mask became fake, while that sense of self that was genuine got killed off like usual and go into unconscious.

Mask was the first to go before the event, I think only a few days before. I discarded it, and there's traces of habits left in me that I still do subconsciously, but I have control and it no longer feels like compulsive masking.

After:

First is that I found something that could actually Touch on the void's needs and satisfy it, and turns out it's a screaming and crying baby with zero understanding of what being taken care of is whatsoever. I felt like it's being brought out to the world, gained a form and a skin, have an identity, and is now able to reach out. For a while it's just the baby trying to navigate the world, which was Really Hard, but with reaching out to trusted people they learnt to regulate and exist.

A while after the soul's back (me), but we now have an ability to keep an identity, and the soul's able to pick up all the fragments from the past and integrate them, and right now I feel more like a fusion of all the past fragments. I am paradoxically all of them, hundreds of different fragments at different times, some with more established identity some with less, and I want to be more. Just today I was trying to deal with my more prominent trauma not directly related to schizoidism, it feels like pulling those states of me (EP) out of deep dissociation trench, give them the understanding and the comfort they needed, and let them ease back into me. They feel like more significant parts of me, but I try not to focus on them too much because I feel like every fragment deserves to be understood and seen.

There are a lot of times the conscious soul still feels different from the integrated self. It's like when we enter a different state of self, it would feel like blank, and that blank could start to access some memories in the past and figure out what they are. When I'm back I could choose to backwards integrate them into me, or sometimes they do want to be their own person, and I let them be whoever they turn out to be (like robin who now fronts briefly every single fucking time his name's mentioned).

So currently consistent members are: me (big voik, im seeking a new name for my own now), little voik (void -> child), and robin.