#thatajthings

Rules: answer the questions and tag some people you want to get to know better/catch up with!

3 Ships: Wanda/Vision ftw at the moment, followed by Jimmy/Gretchen (YTW) and Shawn/Juliet (Psych)

Last Movie: I truly cannot believe I’m saying this, but Avengers: Age of Ultron.  (Also cannot believe I’m saying this, but my next movie is on the books for tomorrow and it’s Captain America: Civil War who even am I, go fuck yourself Wandavision.)

Last Song: Caught, Florence + The Machine

Currently Watching: finishing up a rewatch of Psych and trying to figure out if I’m going to slide into another old reliable or force myself to try something new

Currently Reading: Anxious People by Fredrik Backman and The Midnight Library by Matt Haig 

Currently Craving: my mom came to visit for a bit for mother’s day last week and we got lunch from the pizza place across the street from me and she got an EXCELLENT grilled chicken sandwich that I have been dying for since then, and will be getting this weekend.

First a little about my background. I am a survivor. That shouldn’t need to be said but it’s a fact. I experienced abuse and remained with my abuser. When we broke up I clung to the belief we would reunite and felt suicidal at the idea that we might not. His abuse worsened after the break up, during the same time I thought I would rather die than not be with him.

I have volunteered and then worked in the field of sexual assault response and prevention since I was in college (20 years). I have worked for well known universities helping to ensure the mandates around consent education put forth by Dept of Ed and Title IX were fulfilled. I have also worked to train undergraduates to educate their peers about consent and rape culture and how to support survivors. I don’t mean to give my CV here but I want to make clear that I have devoted 100s if not 1000s of hours to working in the sexual assault field. Albeit not from a legal standpoint.

I’m also sex positive and BDSM-kink aware. I believe that BDSM is a natural and healthy expression of sexuality and enjoyment (some engage in BDSM without sex) for those who align with those identities.

This article sends the message that impact play in BDSM is against CA law and that consent cannot legally be given to “be assaulted.” I am not aware of any actual legal precedent where this has been the topic of a trial. If this case against AH goes to trial, it may be the first of its kind (I do not know this for a fact).

The article correctly makes the point that confidentiality is breached by medical personnel when they believe the injury they are treating is a result of a crime aka assault (not mental health care providers! that’s an important distinction and I don’t want anyone to not seek MH support because they’re fearful of a breach of confidentiality).

How awful, right? Someone goes for a r*pe exam and then the police are called. The police who are racist, misogynist, and anti sex worker (among other things). However, at the r*pe treatment centers I am familiar with the nurse will say “I need to call the police, they will come and ask for you to share what happened. You may choose to tell them - in which case their decision to press charges is out of your hands, a victim of a crime does not need to consent for charges to be pressed. You may also choose to decline to provide a statement. You can change your mind at a later date. Evidence can and will still be collected in the r*pe exam so if you decide to provide a statement to the police later we have the evidence.”

Okay so let’s go back to BDSM. For the police to be notified about the effects of impact play and for them to press charges, a sub (or person on the receiving end of consensual impact play) would first have to seek medical attention. This could happen! Even with full consent and negotiation, bodies respond in unexpected ways and an injury requiring medical attention could occur. Upon seeking medical attention, the healthcare provider would have to decide that this injury occurred as a result of a crime/assault. There is some clinical judgment and discretion here (and we can see here where sometimes police are called for suspected child abuse). If I tripped over my spouse and broke my wrist, did a crime occur? No. But my spouse did “cause” my injury. In theory the police could be called to rule out that a crime occurred.

Let’s say the police are called. Then the person with the injury would have to cooperate and provide a statement. They’re not the ones who are allegedly breaking the law, there is nothing that says you have to speak to the police if you are the “victim of a crime “ (quotes here because the sub is a victim by the letter of the law). So now the police have a potential crime that’s been committed and a victim who refuses to cooperate. Are they going to waste their time trying to pursue this case? No. They barely spend any time pursuing actual sex crimes, the backlog of r*pe kits in LA alone is disgusting.

We also know that it is notoriously difficult for victim/survivors of r*pe to find justice through the legal system. More so when the r*pe occurred in the context of an ongoing relationship. I’m not sure the DA is going to pursue a case of impact play that resulted in an injury that required medical attention (which I should say is exceedingly rare, Risk Aware Kink seeks to avoid injuries such as those) when they’re busy with other cases with a victim who wants to go to court.

If Ms Allred takes this case to court, it may well be the first time the legality of aspects of BDSM are truly examined. However, I also cannot state clearly enough that everything I have read and seen makes this not a case about BDSM and entirely a case about r*pe. Although, sadly, the victim/survivor’s sexual history and interests will also be on trial, as with every other sexual assault case.

Even though it shouldn’t matter. You can have a million partners of every gender, prance down the street naked, enjoy the kinkiest sex imaginable, have consented to sex with this person previously, consent to sex with this person again in the future, and it is still r*pe if ongoing consent was not obtained.

Sorry this is so long winded! I hope it provides some context from my own perspective and within the limits of my own experience in this field.

@thatajthings you are a treasure. Thank you so much for taking the time to offer this insight. And, above all, thank you for the service you have provided to other survivors over the years. Truly. 💜

There's so much information here, but this really stood out to me the most:

"a victim of a crime does not need to consent for charges to be pressed"

I did not know this and so wonder if this might be why or how Gloria can say that Effie hasn't pressed charges?

Thanks @thatajthings for always being the kindest. And for understanding just how much I appreciate pretty boys doing pretty things. Here’s one of the prettiest around ...

I hope you’re having the loveliest of Sundays.

Hey !! Sorry I saw this now.

I did this on my main blog @schmico-ing :)

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

I kind of weirdly love drink-ware so this is tougher than it should be! I love a great coffee mug (and have about a thousand), I collect mismatched teacups, wine glasses make me feel the tiniest bit classy, and I try to avoid plastic water bottles when I can so I have a few reusable ones I’m fond of. (Soda cans can go fuck themselves.)

19. sleeping position?

Flat on my front, face/stomach down, one leg slightly bent, and at least one foot sticking out from under the covers OR NO SLEEP AT ALL. (Okay sometimes when I’m falling asleep I’ll curl up on my side a bit, but I never say there for too long.)

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

If I actually want to get some significant writing done (pause for laughter at the thought of that actually happening ever again) it’s on my laptop, but I love the feel of a pencil or non-smudgy pen (bc left-handed) on a fresh sheet of lined paper. It makes me a little heart fluttery.

Thank youuu ♥️♥️

I love this ask, and how it’s worded ♥️

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

The Year of Magical Thinking

Call Me By Your Name

To Kill a Mockingbird

Beloved

These were the first five that popped into my head - for a variety of different reasons, and read at/in a variety of different ages and mindsets. (I get anxious and rambly about book choices sometimes because I feel like a former english major should have better taste, haha.)

Thanks friend <3  - I’ve had this in my inbox for a bit because it was a really good one and made me think.  I’m trying to avoid writing my usual essay explanation for each choice...but I did do a top 5 part one and two (which is basically just a top ten but shhh and sometimes included more than one character from the same show) because it was too hard to narrow it down.  I am for sure missing faves that escaped me, but I love all of these characters deeply.

Rose Tyler - Doctor Who

Josh Lyman (but also Donna Moss) - The West Wing

Leslie Knope (but also Ben Wyatt) - Parks & Rec

Bob Belcher - Bob’s Burgers

Blair Waldorf - Gossip Girl

Olive Snook - Pushing Daisies

Buffy Summers - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Gretchen Cutler - You’re the Worst

Alexis Rose - Schitt’s Creek

Ted Lasso (but also Keeley Jones and Roy Kent) -Ted Lasso

Honorable Mention (that’s right this top 5 is now a top 15 bc what even are rules it’s a pandemic) : Wanda Maximoff - Wandavision/Marvel movies, if only because I’m still catching up on movie Wanda (but I love her so much)