#thale

First, the good one. Thale is a Norwegian film written and directed by Aleksander L. Nordaas. It's about two guys, Elvis and Leo, who work as crime scene clean-up guys. While cleaning up the very messy remains of an old man ("wild animals" got at him, tearing him to pieces and scattering him around the property) they find his hidden basement, where he had seemingly imprisoned a young woman.

The girl, naked and mute and somewhat inhuman, turns out to actually be very inhuman in the sense that she's not a person at all but a hulder who had been taken into captivity and experimented on. The old man in the cottage had worked at the laboratory, smuggled her out, and raised her here as a father figure, but continued to experiment on her. We figure out some backstory courtesy of some convenient fae-creature telepathy, and the story builds from there because the girl (the eponymous Thale) has family still in the forest, and also the military is looking for her.

I won't spoil anything further. It's a very simple story, one that leaves a lot of questions unanswered. But I don't mind that ambiguity. In form, it reminds me quite a bit of an episode of Trevor Henderson's podcast, The Mayfair Watcher's Society: Two normal blokes stumble into an uncanny situation, see some crazy shit, and get on with their lives without explanation or context. If you like that type of storytelling (and I do), this is worth the watch.

The entire movie was filmed on a budget of $10,000, with Nordaas acting as writer, director, editor, set designer, and so forth. Most of the film was shot in his dad's basement.

And honestly? Mad props. I have nothing but respect for a micro-budget film that understands its limitations and leans into them. The creature effects are excellent. Like, the CGI is a little rough, but the design itself is A+ and it delivered a proper scare at one point.

The greatest strength of the film imo is the on-screen chemistry between the two leads. We don't really know what the relationship between Elvis and Leo is, whether they're friends or brothers or what, but they manage to communicate a great deal without saying a word, and it's easy to believe they've known each other a very long time. They're drift compatible, in other words, and they have very different personalities (Leo is utterly unflappable, Elvis can't get through a job without puking several times) that make it fun to watch them grapple with being in over their heads. Props to Erlend Nervold and Jon Sigve Skard. And props too to Silje Reinåmo, who has to spend most of the movie naked and do most of her acting with her eyes. Good stuff all around.

Which leads us....sigh....

Huldra: Lady of the Forest is a Swedish film directed by Ove Valeskog, with writing credit to Valeskog, Eddie Boschek, and Björn Boström. I believe it is Valeskog's first feature film, and I don't know what the budget on it was for sure but IMDB estimates it at $75,000. It certainly looks and feels much cheaper than Thale, probably because of the terrible script.

Okay. Ugh. Basically: A lady boxer is invited out on a camping trip with a bunch of guys she went to school with, and they all go party in the woods and engage in various...activities?...at some kind of former hippie commune turned hunting resort attraction camp....thing? The hippie who runs the place has a "daughter" who they spy bathing naked in a lake and who (spoiler?) is a huldra.

I guess (???) the main point is that the hippie guy lures people out to his commune to sacrifice them (???) to the huldra, who also apparently has the ability to make people go crazy and turn on each other, which is seemingly how the hippie guy got here in the first place. The story keeps cutting between the present-day group and the original hippie group, and we see both of them becoming paranoid and turning on each other until only one dude is left standing to take care of the huldra?

It's convoluted. And, frustratingly, there are the bones of a really good story in it. I actually really like the idea of a forest creature who uses her faerie wiles to psychologically fuck with a group of tourists and make them turn on each other. It's like Evil Dead with a faerie and I'm here for it!

Unfortunately, the movie is two hours long and agonizingly boring to get through. It's paced like a slow-burn psychological thriller, except none of the characters are actually fleshed out or given any depth at all. You're forced to watch scene after agonizing scene of rambling, pointless naturalistic dialogue as a bunch of annoying frat guys get drunk, argue, act misogynistic, and make small talk, without any clear idea of why anyone is doing anything. Also most of the film's dialogue is in English (owing I guess to their multinational friend group) but it seems like English is not the primary language of any of the actors so all of the line delivery is also kind of weird? Like inflections are in odd places, stiff tone, just....everything is weird, man. And most of the violence is off-screen and there are no cool creature effects so we don't even get the pleasure of seeing these people eviscerated for our trouble :(

I could have put up with all of this, maybe. I could have dealt with the frankly nonsensical storytelling (which was SO CLOSE to being good but then shit the bed), the bad acting, the wobbly erratic camera that bounces around for no reason, the poor editing....all of it. I could have shrugged it off as a "meh." Until the end of the movie.

At the outset, we see our heroine playing with her baby niece, and her sister telling her that having babies is great, actually, and that she needs to get laid, and maybe if she acted more feminine people would stop assuming she was a lesbian. and we think, ok, fine, sister is kind of annoying but whatever.

So then the heroine goes into the woods with all these dudes and tries to rekindle with a childhood crush. They have sex, then he pushes her away because he's married, and then gets all up in his feelings about it and it's stupid but ANYWAY....he dies, and then later she nearly drowns, but she has a vision of his stupid dead face telling her she HAS TO LIVE because there is a BABY INSIDE HER and this gives her the strength!!! to survive!!!! and then there's a flash forward a couple years later and we see her baby running around on the beach with his cousin and her boxing coach tells her, "You finally have achieved real balance! but why did you quit boxing?" and she's like "I don't need it anymore because MY LIFE IS COMPLETE with the power of LOVE! I love being a mommy soooooo much" I'm not even exaggerating this is almost exactly how the scene plays out and oh my god it is so stupid and cheesy and terrible.

You are allowed to be a shitty movie, and you are allowed to be surprise twist birther propaganda, but you don't get to be both.

Ew, ew, ew.

Anyway. Ugh. I don't know where or how this film ended up on my list -- it doesn't have much footprint online, there's only one review on the IMDB page and no Wikipedia, there's no Rotten Tomatoes score, only two reviews on Amazon. So maybe it's mean to hate this much on a tiny obscure random movie. But dear god. If you have two spare hours and a Tubi account, spend that precious time on something else because this movie is a big stinker.