#text rant

We need to talk about under stimulation. I’m not saying I want to be overloaded with information. No I mean when I get panic attacks because there is not enough self stimulation in a situation. I have to walk out of meetings to pace around and think to calm myself down because my fight or flight response has activated from being not being able to stim.

I get so anxious when I cannot listen to music or have something playing in the background because I need stimulation that I choose to have and which I have control over

"The Pink I knew couldn't keep a secret to save her gem."

"Are you kidding? If anything she was to good at keeping secrets, even from me."

"You know how Pink was with her destructive powers."

"Destructive Powers? Pink didn't have destructive powers, she was a healer!"

This whole scene made me realize that Pink tried so hard to course correct. Like a child trying to grow up. She used to throw tantrums, hurt those around her, and didn't even see the gems around her as anything but items like the rest of the diamonds. But, she tried to pull herself out of that. She didn't have an example of how to do the right thing, how to treat the gems around her as people. She had to figure it out herself. So she took all of the things that she knew were wrong with her and go the opposite way.

No more tantrums, or really showing any negative emotions. Only using her healing powers. And most importantly, keeping secrets. Pink Diamond never really stood a chance in being a good person, but by gods did she try. And it sucks that despite her best efforts, she still messed up and left a mess for her son to clean up.

I feel like we don't really give Pink the credit she deserves. Many people see her as a villain, and she started off that way but she tried to change. She did change. But she still had her flaws, and messed up along the way. As a diamond when she finally got her colony, she felt she had to leave childish things behind including Spinel. Her friend wanted to shatter her, but she didn't want to kill her so she bubbled her and put her away. I'm not going to say some of the things Pink did weren't messed up. But I just don't believe that she deserves the title of villain. She was a very flawed person, who came from a family that didn't see any other life form as something worth keeping and she had to navigate how to be a better person by herself while trying to protect a planet that made her realize what a shitty person she was.

Distractions [3/3]

Gonna wrap this up in 3 parts. Previous here.

Yo, WHAT was happening on Twitter this week?? Every time I opened the app there was a new analysis of the Goddamn couch scene. I didn't think Trigun could hurt me any more and yet here I am in a new spiral over an internet stranger's hot take.

Anywaaaaay, I've had this brainworm way before whatever angst got a hold of Twitter. I've always interpreted Vash and Wolfwood’s relationship as 'right people, wrong time'. But honestly, I love every interpretation of them - platonic, soulmates, lovers, etc. So, through these comics I wanted to show moments during their journey that conveyed the gradual evolution of their relationship (as I head cannon it lmao). Canonically, Vash never gets to tell Wolfwood how he feels and my poor little heart has been in denial about that ever since. So this is my *slight* rewriting of the series of events leading up to Wolfwood's solo journey.

At this point in the manga (ch. 50) I wanted to show that, despite the 7 month time skip, it's like no time has passed between them. They're still comfortable and casual with each other, still seeking the comfort of distractions - Neither of them wanting to shatter the illusion of normalcy in this moment. And I feel Vash would be the first to ask for more when reality comes knocking (through Wolfwood's fist lol).

He knows, even in a best-case scenario, his time with Wolfwood is limited. And while Vash is just as shackled by duty and guilt as Wolfwood, he carries an optimism about him that Wolfwood lacks. He needs Woolfwood to know how he feels so he can live without regret, regardless of the outcome. As such, he takes the leap. Wolfwood, unfortunately, cannot bring himself to share in that optimism. He’s too absorbed in worry about the orphanage, the children and especially Livio. His heart is screaming at him, but he knows he can’t afford to be distracted by his “selfish” desires. So, he rejects Vash by being realistic and hopes he can see that he wants this too, but just can't bear the impending heartbreak due to their circumstances. Vash does see this. He swallows his disappointment and heartbreak, earnestly grateful for the relationship he still has with Wolfwood.

I know my characterization feels like it conflicts with the moment on the couch; Vash can't even look at Wolfwood for that entire scene despite Wolfwood being the one to try and connect with him ("You look better...when you smile."). However, I never saw that moment as Vash rejecting Wolfwood. Not in the traditional sense at least (maybe an inadvertent rejection). Vash wanted more between them (to share his tomorrows), but not like this - not as a deathbed confession. He's heartbroken and grieving and (somewhat selfishly) can't see that Wolfwood just wants to enjoy his last moments with the one person on this planet he can call an equal and a friend.

Speaking of the dreaded couch scene, I don't think I can add anything new to the discourse, but I will say the tragedy for me really lies in all the emotions Wolfwood goes through:

Being at peace with his death ("This is the way you want it?" "Yeah."). It's what he believed he deserved, with all the blood on his hands, and the mutation of his body, he assumed he could never return to his previous life with everyone at the orphanage.

Grieving for his future (confetti). Wolfwood never believed he could be forgiven. The children celebrating his return showed their acceptance of him, welcoming him back regardless of his sins. He was worthy of forgiveness. His guilt prevented him from even entertaining the thought of forgiving himself. There must have been regret in those tears.

Seeking comfort from the one person he grew to truly trust and Vash not being strong enough to give it. I already mentioned this above, but Vash not even being able to look at Wolfwood throughout the entire couch scene tears me up.

From the narrative's perspective, Wolfwood needed to die. And even knowing that, it still absolutely destroyed me (and still does). Not just because he died, but because right before his death, he was given a glimmer of hope - that had he survived the fight with Livio, he would have had a chance at happiness.