#terriblycontrite

BINGO Squares and Descriptions:

Title: First Time For Everything Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie) Bingo Square: “I’m only using my fingers and you’re already shaking.” Rating/Warnings: Explicit / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39266904 Summary: Eddie bottoms for the first time.

Title: Love Me, Love Me Not Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie) Bingo Square: Anonymous Flower Delivery Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39526452 Summary: A sweet gesture doesn't go as planned.

Title: Trial By Flu Pairing: TK Strand/Carlos Reyes (Tarlos), Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (Jace?) Bingo Square: Home Sick Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40971840 Summary: The 126-crew signed up to walk through fire, surely they can handle the flu.

Title: Hold My Hand Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie) Bingo Square: Hand Holding Rating/Warnings: Mature / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42018708 Summary: The dangers of sex, saws and home repairs.

Title: Decline Pairing: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash (Bathena) Bingo Square: “Please don’t give up on me. Please, please don’t” Rating/Warnings: Mature / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42531720 Summary: On vacation, haunted by nightmares, Bobby turns to old habits to numb the pain and ease his doubts about the mistakes he's made.

Title: Paramedic May…Or Maybe Not Pairing: None Bingo Square: Paramedic May Grant Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45835876 Summary: May rides along with Chimney and Hen, but paramedic life may not be for her.

Title: Please Sir! Pairing: TK Strand/Carlos Reyes (Tarlos) Bingo Square: Begging Rating/Warnings: Explicit / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45837865 Summary: A needy TK begs a busy Carlos for dessert, and Carlos makes time to give him what he deserves.

Title: Buck’s Boredom Buster Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie) Bingo Square: Time Travel Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45839743 Summary: The 118 crew debate the merits of time travel.

Title: Our Style, For You Pairing: Marjan Marwani/Paul Strickland Bingo Square: Fake Dating AU Rating/Warnings: Explicit / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45899254 Summary: Paul Strickland finds out the hard way that money can't buy you love.

Title: Arrested Pairing: TK Strand/Carlos Reyes (Tarlos), Owen Strand/Original Female Character Bingo Square: Saved from a bad date Rating/Warnings: Teen / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45901633 Summary: TK sends Carlos to save Owen from a bad date, and Carlos does, the only way he knows how…

Title: Dosed Pairing: TK Strand/Carlos Reyes (Tarlos) Bingo Square: Delirium Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45903448 Summary: Plagued by a head cold, Carlos takes too much cold medicine and delirium results…

Title: Robot Invasion Pairing: None Bingo Square: Everyone’s A Robot Rating/Warnings: General Audiences / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45905314 Summary: Christopher wakes up after movie night with Buck and realizes something isn't quite right…

Title: Tell Me, Sir Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie) Bingo Square: Praise Kink Rating/Warnings: Explicit / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46026316 Summary: Buck knows what he wants, but doesn’t quite know how to ask.

Title: Blood and Salvation Pairing: Matteo Chavez/Original Male Character Bingo Square: Knife Kink Rating/Warnings: Explicit / non-graphic non-con/rape (Other warnings in notes) Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46043968 Summary: Mateo is held hostage by a sadistic man who nearly breaks his will.

Title: Home Fires Pairing: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash (Bathena) Bingo Square: Flirting With Thoughtful Gifts Rating/Warnings: Explicit / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46068484 Summary: Bobby and Athena keep their passion alive, even when they're apart.

Title: Vibrations Pairing: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash (Bathena), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (Buddie), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson (HenRen), Maddie Buckley/Howard "Chimney" Han (Madney) Bingo Square: Sex Toy Show AU Rating/Warnings: Mature / none Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46102888 Summary: Everyone gets what they're looking for at Vibrations, even if they don't know what that is.

Numbers

It was a slow day at the 118 station house, they hadn’t seen any action, the trucks were shining, the floors were swept, inventories were taken, and lunch had been eaten and cleared away. Hen wandered away to call her wife, Bobby stayed in the kitchen already prepping for dinner, and Eddie flopped onto a couch across from Chimney, who looked like he could fall asleep at any moment. He barely had time to wonder where Buck had gotten to, before the other man was rolling over the back of Eddie’s couch, landing on its seat with a soft thud.

“Geez, Buck,” Eddie griped, readjusting himself and shoving Buck’s feet out of his lap, where they had landed. “Can’t you sit like a normal person?”

Buck grinned, stretched, and shook his head. “Nope, guess not,” he said, putting his feet back up, laughing when Eddie tried to slap them away again. “What’s up with you guys? We should do something.”

Eddie groaned, letting his head flop back against the couch. “Like what Buck?”

“Yeah, like what?” Chimney roused enough to ask around a yawn. “You’ll jinx us if you don’t relax. Why not go bug Bobby? I bet he could use you in the kitchen.”

Eddie snorted, and Chimney held up his hands in a placating gesture, when Bobby shot them a glare. Buck glanced behind him with some interest, and Bobby quickly covered the pot he had been stirring.

“You need some help, Captain?” Buck asked, kidding aside. He was always serious about helping Bobby.

Eddie rolled his eyes, and muttered, “kiss ass,” under his breath. Chimney hooted, and Buck chose to ignore the comment, all of his attention directed at Bobby.

“Um…no, really, the sauce just needs to simmer. You’re fine Buck.” Bobby assured him warily. Buck gave a nod, turning back to Eddie and Chim.

“Do you think the 132 is getting all the calls?”

Eddie sighed, leafing through texts on his phone. “It doesn’t work like that. We all have an area to cover.”

“Unless the fire is too big for one crew,” Chimney put in, laying back on his own couch and settling in. “Then we all get to go.”

Buck thought that over, propping his head up on a throw cushion. “Right…so what do the numbers mean? Why are we 118? Why are they 132?”

“Same reason you’re Buck and I’m Eddie…because that’s what someone named them.” Eddie told him, pinching Buck’s baby toe. “Your feet stink, man.”

Affronted, Buck leaned up to punch Eddie in the shoulder. “They do not! And there must be a reason…a system…right Bobby?”

“Sure there is Buck,” their boss replied from where he was rifling through his secret spice cabinet, that everyone knew about. “I’ll explain it to you one day.”

Buck laid back on the couch, and he was quiet, but Eddie knew by the furrow in his brow that it was temporary. When Buck was bored he dragged everyone into it, and he didn’t give up easy.

“Think about it…we are the 118, we met the 126 from Austin at the wildfires, but there was a crew from Chicago and they were the 38, and their engine, I think, was number 48…weird right? And why are they only in the double digits, Cap?” Buck forged on, despite Bobby’s promise of ‘later'.

“Not weird, different system Buck.” Bobby replied.

Buck chewed on the corner of his lip in the most adorable way, thinking some more. “Why give the engine a different number? Isn’t that confusing?”

Before Bobby could answer, Chimney piped up again, ever helpful. “Hey, I bet they have a 69 in Chicago!” He laughed uproariously, Eddie smirked, Bobby shot them a warning look, and Buck tilted his head, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Probably,” Buck said, turning his curious gaze on Chimney, likely happy someone was showing genuine interest. Chimney just laughed harder.

“Real mature, Chim.” Eddie chided, patting at Buck’s leg. “69, like the sex position,” Eddie clarified, keeping his voice low, and nodding toward Chimney, “he thinks he's hilarious.”

Bucks face lit up with understanding, and he leaned over to high five Chimney, chuckling along with him. “Now that'd be a fun house,” Buck chortled, and Chimney winked, which got them laughing all over again.

“Grow up,” Eddie groaned

“Keep it appropriate over there,” Bobby pointed a wooden spoon at them. “There are lots of seminars on sexual harassment coming up.”

“Sorry!” All three chorused in Bobby’s general direction, but Chimney already had his phone in hand, moving to perch on the coffee table closer to his teammates. “Check this out, number 6,” Chimney whispered, smiling widely.

If Eddie thought that Chimney had found the mysterious code by which fire houses are numbered, he would have been way off base.

“Whoa,” Buck breathed out, eyes riveted on Chimneys phone. “Even I’ve never done that!”

“I’m not even sure it’s possible,” Chimney replied, motioning Eddie closer. “What do you think?”

Eddie rolled his eyes again, but he couldn’t resist shimmying over to see what had them so focused. Chimney had pulled up a web site that claimed to have compiled every possible variation on the ‘69’ position, complete with lewd illustrations.

“The upright 69-that’s not even-seriously?!” He cried, wincing at his own volume, and lowering his voice. “Why do you think those are drawings, and not real people? No human could pull that off.”

“Thor could.” Buck put in decisively.

Eddie quirked an eyebrow at him. “Thor isn’t real. And he’s a God.”

“Dwayne Johnson? The Rock?” Chimney suggested. “He could. I bet he has.”

“No way. No one could.” Eddie disagreed. “Besides, why would anyone want to?” He waved his hand at the screen.

“Who wouldn’t want to?” Buck chirped.

Chimney looked toward Bobby, who was rifling through the pots and pans. “I bet you two could,” he hissed, eyes wide, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

Eddie felt his cheeks heat instantly, and Buck’s hand flew to cover his mouth. Eddie pinned Chimney with a furious glare and could happily have throttled him.

“Shut up, man.”

Chimney tapped a finger to his chin, nodding slowly, infuriatingly. “Oh gosh, my bad! I forgot we are all pretending not to know about you two.”

Buck was covering his whole face with his hands now, and Eddie reached over to squeeze his shoulder comfortingly. “Out of bounds, Chim.” Eddie growled, before turning all his attention to his partner and friend.

“It’s ok, Buck. No one heard.” He reassured. Buck shook his head, and Eddie went back to glowering at Chimney.

“I don’t know, Ed…” Buck dropped his hands, biting down on his lower lip before he continued. “I think he's right…we could do it!” He barely got the words out before dissolving into what could only be described as giggles.

Eddie face palmed, wondering if he had entered an alternate realm where no one wanted to keep their jobs.

“You know,” Bobby spoke up, leaning his palms on the counter. “It’s not just the numbers in Chicago, the entire set up is different. They run elite rescue squads out of some of their stations, complete with their own specially equipped trucks.”

“Um...oh yeah?” Eddie responded, eyes flickering from Bobby, to Buck, then Chim. Everyone had pretty much forgotten about the numbers at that point.

“Wait,” Buck struggled his way up to drape over the back of the couch. “More elite than us? We rescue people all the time.”

Bobby smiled indulgently. “Sure do, Buckley. I’m just saying, it’s very different.”

“Right.” Buck nodded. “Whatever. Weird if you ask me.”

“Maybe,” Bobby allowed, stirring the pot in front of him again. “Another thing about Chicago,” he paused for effect, “in house fraternization is frowned upon, and strongly discouraged.”

Eddie and Buck gulped in tandem, and Chimney had the decency to look apologetic, finally. They all tensed when Bobby left his pot to come around the counter, swaggering over to where they sat hunched, and crossing his arms to assess them. Buck shrunk away, Chimney cleared his throat nervously, and Eddie sucked in his breath, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him…but of course the building was full of firefighters who would just rescue him anyway.

“Pass me that phone,” Bobby held out a hand expectantly, his expression unreadable.

Chimney, who bravely faced emergency situations on a near daily basis… car accidents, raging fires, collapsed buildings…chose that moment to panic.  

“No, it’s mine.” He blurted, hiding it behind his back. It would have been funny, Eddie thought, under circumstances that didn’t involve him.

“Firefighter Han, that was an order.” Bobby didn’t raise his voice, but authority dripped from every clipped word. Chimney tossed the phone to Buck, reluctantly, and given no other choice, Buck placed it in Bobby’s open hand.

The three of them watched, horrified, as Bobby scrolled down the page they had just been ogling. Chimney groaned audibly, frozen to his perch on the coffee table, Buck snaked a hand out to squeeze one of Eddie's, and Eddie reminded himself never to play poker with their captain, because his face gave nothing away as he read.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Bobby raised his eyes, and unsmiling, handed the phone back to Buck, who fumbled and almost dropped it. Quickly he passed it to Chimney who stuffed it into his pocket. No one knew what to say, so they waited, shifting uncomfortably in their seats, while their boss stared them down.

“Not appropriate for work,” Bobby admonished at long last, pointing a finger at each of them in turn. “I want you all to dig out your employee hand books and review the sections on professionalism and harassment. See me when you’re finished, I’ll be in my office.”

With that he turned on his heel, and Buck and Eddie directed matching murderous glares at Chimney, who shrugged helplessly.

Mistress Grace

“Judson Ryder, can you explain to me how on earth you made such a mess in our kitchen before you left for work?” Grace grumbled into the phone that was propped against her shoulder, while she scrubbed at a stain on her usually pristine countertops.

“Well hello to you too my beautiful wife,” Judd responded with mock offense. “And here I was thinkin' you called me up cause you couldn’t bear another moment apart “

Grace could hear a loud clatter then raucous laughter from Judd's end, meaning the rest of the crew was nearby.

“Oh, I would love to have you here right now, babe.” She told him truthfully. “Then you could scrub these stains while I take a long, relaxing soak in the tub.” She looked up at the clock with a groan. There would be no time for a bath now. Not before work.

Normally, Grace Ryder was a good and patient woman, who had nothing but love for her husband. Judd was a kind man, lots of fun, and he wasn’t hard on the eyes either. He worked hard at his job, and he did it with inspiring passion. She understood his long hours, and how they often left him drained, flopped on the couch with his video games. Judd never failed to be there for her when she needed him, whether she had a difficult call at work, a spat with her parents, or just wanted a night of dancing. In short, he was mostly perfect…except when he was asked to keep things clean.

Because Grace had worked the night shift, she had come home exhausted. Making a beeline for the bedroom, she swapped clothes for pj's, crawled into bed, and never thought about the state of her kitchen. Waking later to her alarm Grace only just had time to dress and get to her dentist’s appointment, so she still didn’t take a good look at the house. It wasn’t until she returned the second time, post dentist and errands, groceries in hand, worn out, that she finally noticed. She grabbed for her phone instantly, ready to tear into the man she was usually so fond of.

“Sorry sweetheart, really.” Judd told in a butter wouldn’t melt tone that only served to further irritate his tired wife. “Had to rush out for my shift. I’ll clean later.”

Grace hummed grumpily, rattling the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, trying to find the sponge “Later it'll already be clean.” She said ruefully. “You know, hon, you could get up a bit earlier. Then you wouldn’t be in such a hurry. It's not like this is the first time it's happened.”

She got the impression she was being largely ignored. Judd was busy talking to someone in the room with him, clearly not overly concerned. There was more laughter, shouting, then cheering, so probably a game on TV taking all his attention. Must be nice, she thought irritably.

Rummaging under the sink for bleach cleaner, Grace's mind went to the odd call she fielded the previous night; a sub whose Mistress was stung by bees. The ambulance wasn’t going to make it in time, and bound like he was, he could not administer an epi pen to save her life. Grace had to get creative, barking orders, slipping seamlessly into an authoritative role, shaming the sub into dislocating a shoulder to get to his Mistress in time. Her co-workers watched, impressed by this new side of Grace, and now she couldn’t help wondering…if she could compel a man to dislocate a joint, she should be able to compel her husband to clean up after himself.

“Judd Ryder!” She barked into the phone, straightening her shoulders and pounding a fist on the counter. “You listen up now, and you listen up good!”

Grace could practically hear Judd take notice. “What?” He asked, chuckling uncomfortably, taken by surprise. “No need to get upset Grace.”

Oh, that was not going to fly. “No need?” Grace shot back in a commanding tone. “I just told you what the need was. I'm here cleaning up your mess, Judd, so if I want to get upset, I’m gonna get upset!”

Grace could hear chatter in the background, and Judd laughed again, nervously. “Cool it, Grace geez. The guys are in the room with me.” There is the sound of rustling and it gets quieter on Judd's side.

“Just ‘the guys’? Where’s Marjan? Or did y’all leave her to clean up after dinner?” Grace asked haughtily.

Judd snorted. “That'd be the day! Marjan would never…” Judd trailed off realizing he was talking himself into a trap.

“She would never what?” Grace prompted. “Tell me, Judd. She would never be caught dead using her free time to clean up after immature and disrespectful men?” It was harsh but she was annoyed.

There was the click of a door closing and Grace knew Judd had moved someplace private. She snorted. He was embarrassed to be called out in his crap.

“Tell you what I think,” Grace crooned, dangerously, changing tactics. She could practically hear Judd gulp. “I think you’re used to me keeping house. You’re the big man and you don’t lower yourself to doing women’s work, is that right?”

Judd was genuinely taken aback. “Grace I have never-"

“Did I tell you to talk?” Grace interrupted harshly. There was silence on the line. “No, I didn’t, so don’t. Understood?”

No response.

“I said is that understood!” Grace hollered slamming a fist down on the counter again.

“Yes ma'am!” Came the answer, in a clipped tone that was terribly uncertain.

“Good. And call me Mistress from this point on.” Grace smiled to herself, moving into the living room, dimming the lights on the way. “Go ahead.”

“Wh-wait-what?” Judd stammered.

“Are you having trouble hearing?!” Grace snapped savagely. “Go ahead and say it. Yes Mistress. Say it.”

“Yes Mistress?” Judd answered, hesitant.

“Is that a question?” She snarled.

“No, ma-mistress!”

Grace nibbled on her lip, adopting a comfortably sexy pose on the couch. Her breath was quickening with interest and she wished she could see her husbands face right now.

“So here’s what I’m going to do,” Grace drawled, smoothing her sweater and fixing her rumpled hair. “I’m going to leave your mess in my kitchen. I’m not going to lift a finger to clean up after you.”

Judd was quick to answer apologetically. “Absolutely bab-mistress,” Grace covered her mouth to keep from laughing at the slip. “I’m sorry mistress.”

“No.” Grace said getting back into character with no trace of amusement in her voice.

“Um, no?” Judd repeated nervously.

“That’s right, no.” Grace verified. “I’m not accepting your apologies. I'm going to punish you instead.”

Grace could practically hear Judd's jaw drop. She continued before Judd could object.

“I’m going to leave the mess here, because Judd, it is your mess.” She told him sternly. “When you finish your shift you are going to come straight home. I don’t want you to do anything but drop your keys and strip. Everything off Judd,” she warned. “Fold your clothes, neatly, bring them with you when you report to the kitchen. Mistress will be waiting to take them from you. You will need to earn them back.”

Grace gave that a moment to settle in and she thought she could hear a faint moan from her husband. He didn’t speak, though. That was good. He might just be learning.

“You will scrub this kitchen. You will clean the floors on your hands and knees. I will be watching the entire time Judson Ryder, and if I don’t like what I see, you will be corrected.” Grace threw some very real menace behind those last words, and they sent a shiver down her spine. She wondered if Judd felt the same. He still didn’t speak. Grace figured Mistress would take that as respect.

“There are dishes to wash, cupboards to organize, and garbage to take out. You will do it all and you will not get lazy. Am I understood?” Grace wanted to hear what her husband would say.

“Gra-Mistress-um-" Judd stumbled over his words, flustered. Grace grinned wickedly

“Spit it out!” She snapped, giggling on the inside. “Do not waste my time, mister!”

“So-sorry! Mistress. Sorry Mistress.”

Grace waited quietly for him to say what he had been going to.

“It's just, I mean, I’m supposed to do all that…naked?” Judd asked with an audible gulp. “I can’t take out the trash! The neighbors will see.”

Grace nodded at that, considering. “Then the neighbors will see.” She was daring him to tell her no.

There was a long pause and Grace thought Judd was probably reassuring himself she wasn’t serious. She was.

“Yes Mistress.” Judd agreed at long last. Grace almost whooped for joy because damn this was fun.

“That took a long time. You weren’t thinking of disobeying me, were you?” Grace pushed a bit, driving her point home. And having some fun at same time.

“No mistress!” Came the instant response in Judd's adorable Texas twang, more pronounced because he was flustered. She forced herself not to soften though. That wouldn’t do.

“So, where will you be first thing tomorrow?” Grace prodded.

“In the kitchen, na-naked, waiting for your orders, Mistress.” Judd returned with a small stutter.

“What will happen if you don’t please me tomorrow?” Grace pressed.

“I will be uh-corrected. Mistress.”

Grace could hear something in Judd’s tone that sounded an awful lot like lust. It made her stomach twist in the most delicious way.

“Yes you will. You hang up now and get some sleep. You’ll need it.” She ordered, picturing him jerking off in bed. Briefly, she considered ordering him not to. But she would let him have his fun tonight. Tomorrow would be all about her, and she was going to enjoy every minute.

“Goodnight Judd.” She told him sincerely. “I love you.”

She could hear him stuck in his breath.

“I love you too.”

Grace pursed her lips, luxuriating in the swelling between her legs, and the smoldering her belly. She would hang onto the feeling, let it grow, and by tomorrow she would be ready for Judd to stoke the flames.

“Grace?” Judd said just as she was about to hang up. He sounded almost shy.

“Yes?”

“That was fucking hot.”

Ghosts

Athena clutched her coffee cup staring out the patio doors into the pre dawn morning. She thought about all the times before when she had sat in this very spot, watching the sunrise, stressing about one thing or another, some worth it, some not; overdue bill’s, sick babies, slights at work, terrible cases, marital confessions, her daughter’s attempted suicide…all of it processed right here, alone, watching a new day dawn.

It was true that each of those drama's had worked out, eventually, but they all left their mark. Pain, trauma, it changed people, made them fight to survive, turned them into different versions of themselves. And Athena knew better than most, that even if you rose above once, there was precious little stopping you from sinking all over again. You can never forget the battle. That was what was on her mind tonight, keeping her from her husband’s side.

Her long night's vigil had started after Bobby went to bed, exhausted, and Athena got out her laptop. First she searched ‘radiation poisoning', then, ‘cobalt-60', then how dangerous is cobalt-60?’…the answers got more gruesome the longer she read, and the deeper she went down the ‘what if' rabbit hole …

With shaking hands and a sick feeling in her stomach, she typed, ‘treatment for radiation exposure’, then ‘cure for radiation sickness', and then, ‘what to do if you're exposed to cobalt-60'…the answers weren’t what she’d hoped, and she closed her eyes, the words ‘no cure' repeating on loop in her head.

Athena considered herself formidable but gaining control of her own thoughts took time tonight. She thought of Bobby, fast asleep in the bedroom, much less troubled than she was, if he could sleep at all.

Maybe, she reasoned, she should set aside the worry; try to replace it with hope and prayer that everything would be ok. Her husband wouldn’t develop tumors, organ failure, or become a victim of sudden death. After all, the God she knew wouldn’t allow it, and she wouldn’t accept it. But then there was the reason she was sat here, unable to sleep, contemplating prayer at all.

It wasn’t because Bobby went in that tunnel; she accepted that it was his job. No, it was because he stayed. He sent  Buck and Eddie out and he stayed. He stayed to  fight a losing battle. He stayed when everyone else left, and still he stayed when help wasn't coming. Why did Bobby stay? That was the question keeping her awake. Bobby was determined, but not infallible, and he was a leader who knew when to cut his losses. So, she simply had to know what was going through Bobby’s head last night when he was willing to offer himself for sacrifice.

Athena sat, then she paced, then she sat some more. She wanted to lie down in bed, free to close her eyes, but she just couldn’t. Gripped by a feeling akin to panic, she stood in the bedroom doorway studying the rise and fall of Bobby’s chest as he breathed. It sounded so normal…maybe she could pretend nothing had changed since yesterday…but then he would shift, or moan, and Athena would wonder what he was dreaming about. She went back to the kitchen and made coffee, sitting back in her chair.

The dark was just giving up it’s hold, the sun beginning its ascent, when she felt warm hands on her shoulders.

“You’re up early.” Bobby commented softly, respectful of the morning peace.

“I never went to bed.” Athena replied neutrally, holding back the flood of emotion that would drown them both.

“Really?” Bobby asked, forehead creasing with concern. He slid into a nearby chair and took her hand to hold. “What kept you up?”

Athena yanked her hand back, tucking it into her lap. She forces herself to make eye contact, searching Bobby’s gaze desperately; it's loving, warm, solemn. But it's honesty she needs.

“Tell me, Bobby,” she started, slowly, carefully choosing her words, “do you still think you deserve to be punished?”

Bobby was clearly confused, drawing back defensively. “Athena, I have no idea what you mean.”

Athena shook her head, because she will not be dismissed. Not this time. The fire that rose from her belly, spewed from her mouth before she could stop it.

“What about me, Bobby? Do I deserve to be punished?” She spat, pushing her coffee cup aside.

Bobby tensed, likely feeling blindsided. He hadn’t been given time to shore up the invisible wall he is still hiding behind, Athena thinks, meanly. There are cracks, and Athena's eyes are all the way open now so she can see through.

“God, no Athena! Why would I think that?” Bobby stammered, trying to reach for her hands again. “I’m afraid I don’t understand…when I went to bed we were fine, weren't we? What happened to change that?”

Avoiding Bobby’s touch, she grabbed the laptop, turning it toward her baffled husband.

“I opened my eyes Bobby!” She keened, feeling the betrayal like a physical force pressing on her chest, making it hard to breathe. “When I read all that online, I was horrified! I thought, how can he sleep? But then I realized you already knew! Of course you did. You knew when you got that call, and you knew when you went in that tunnel!” She wouldn’t let him interrupt, the words tumbling out of their own accord. “And maybe, maybe Bobby you needed to go into that tunnel, maybe it’s the job like you said, but you did not need to stay! Why, Bobby? You have to tell me why you sent Buck and Eddie out, but you bloody well stayed!”

She put a hand to her racing heart, blinking to stop her tears from welling up and over, starting a river that would never end.

Wide eyed Bobby took in the open windows on the computer, shoulders slumping. Managing a slow deep breath he folded his hands on the table top, fingering his wedding band, thoughtful. But not remorseful.

“Athena, I-"

“Don’t Bobby, cause I’m not done yet! I don’t know what demons you’re still running from, but I didn’t marry a ghost! I married the man I loved, who I thought loved me! I said forever, Bobby, and I meant until we get old and gray, and we’ve lived as long as the good Lord above will allow, not-" she threw up her hands, slapping them back down at her sides. “Not forever until you get a chance to settle an old score! Damn it to hell, Bobby! It’s our life you’re so hell bent on throwing away!”

Athena turned away because she had to. She couldn’t look at his face, because if he dared to lie, she was afraid of what she'd do. Walk out the door? Scream, cry? Slap him? Possibly all of the above.

“Athena, sit down and let me explain. Please.” Bobby begged, but he doesn’t get up to touch her. He was respecting her space.

“You go ahead and try, Bobby.” She rasped around the lump in her throat. “But I won’t sit down until I feel like it,” she whirled on him, eyes flashing, “and I won’t feel like it until you tell the truth.”

Bobby breathed in through his nose, blowing it out his mouth, slowly, stalling for time.

“It isn’t what you think, Athena.” He told her firmly, resting his elbows on his knees, to be closer. She folded her arms across her chest, uninviting. He sighed.

“When we take a call we see it through.” He tried, but he doesn’t sound certain. “It’s just how it is. I couldn’t abandon that driver. My job is to save people. That’s what I did. That’s all I did.”

Athena took that in, clucking her tongue. She wanted more than that. A better accounting of what went on in his head. Whose face was he seeing when he breathed in that smoke…was it hers, or someone else entirely? Suddenly her husband seems like a stranger.

“I thought trucks were coming. The liquid nitrogen was coming…when I heard it was delayed…well, it was too late. The damage was done, if it was done!” He qualified quickly, holding up one hand toward her. “Everything could be ok, Athena. You heard the doctor.”

Athena narrowed her eyes, focusing back on Bobby where he sat. He looked repentant, sure. But what was that worth, if everyday he went out in the world to play fast and loose with the life they were building.

“Oh, I heard him. Sure did, but he made no guarantees, Bobby. Not a one.”

Bobby hardened at that. She could see his back straighten, and his shoulders draw back. Scrubbing at the stubble on his face, he asked.

“Suppose you tell me what I’m on trial for here, Athena?”

Biting her lip because it can’t be her tears that sway him, Athena answered as best she could.

“I’m convinced that too much of you still lives in the past, Bobby.” She ran a hand back through her hair, tired, weary, but unable to back down from what she started. “You didn’t believe that anyone deserved to die on that call, except you. Buck, Eddie, you got them clear, but you stayed. My original question was why? But I’m afraid I know Bobby.” She wiped at the wetness on her cheeks. “You never have  forgiven yourself for your first wife, and those beautiful babies you lost in that fire. Not really. Oh, Bobby you say all the right things,” she struggled to keep control. “Over and over you say what I want to hear…but you don’t mean it. It isn’t true.” She shook her head when he went to speak. “Don’t say you do, Bobby! Because if you did, you would have left that tunnel with everyone else! You would have!” She covered her face with her hands.

“Athena,” Bobby whispered, “that driver would have died.”

“That driver will die!” Athena wailed, darting forward to pound her fists on the table. She pointed accusingly at the laptop. “I did the research! He will die, and now you might too, and all because you won’t let go!”

Heart racing, vision blurred by the tears she swore she wouldn’t cry, Athena dropped to her knees in front of her partner. The man she thought she knew so well.

When he brought tentative fingers up to touch her cheek, Athena let him because then she could imagine, for just a second, that she was truly enough.

“Please,” Athena begged, voice cracking, “don’t do this to me, Bobby, because I haven’t done anything to deserve being left behind.”

Athena heard his sharp intake of breath, but she isn’t quite finished. “It isn’t simple, Bobby. You can’t balance the scale this way, not anymore, because you’ll kill me too. You hear? You’ll kill-" she choked on the lump in her throat, coughing, clinging to him now. She really is so tired.

“Oh, no, Athena…I never meant…” he trailed off because maybe he did mean it, even if he wishes it weren’t so. Athena tested her head in his lap. “Forgive me.” He pleaded hoarsely.

She took some time, calming her breathing, wondering how long that truck driver knew what he was hauling, how long he kept his mouth, and how blurred the line between deserves to live, and deserves to die actually was. She lifted her face to take in her husbands haunted expression.

“I’ll forgive you, when you forgive yourself. Really forgive.” She bargained, seriously.

“Ok,” he said softly, barely audible. She gripped his chin brutally hard.

“No more ghosts, Bobby. Let them rest, and let me keep the love of my life, for as long as I live.” She held up a pinky, a childish ask, but he had to swear or she would never sleep easy.