#temp fusion

Fusion (temporary) - fusion (permanent)

Plural coded

But honestly, our system has spent the first twenty-two years of our life being put on high pressure to keep everything perfect of the capitalistic grindset with a metaphorical knife to our throat if we so much as slip up. And this is not meant to be a brag, because I say this with exhaustion due to just how much mental illness, splitting, and pain we put into this, but we have actually managed to keep a REALLY clean and perfect track record. We have over a year of formal research experience, two years worth between two seperate labs. We have a year of clinical experience. We've maintained a perfectly clean record in terms of legal shit. We've maintained off of all addictive substances (save for caffeine). We've "gotten a good grade in healing and recovery". We've built so many skills and properly learned to self care some. We make money. We have a really good healthy long term relationship. We have some really strong healthy stable friends. We have healthy positively fulfilling hobbies. We are on our way to a career path we love and we are a very strong candidate for our ideal career.

We have worked so fucking endlessly and tore ourselves apart regularly (literally I guess) to keep this up because we could never get ourselves to fucking stop and we are so so so close to what our whole system thinks is the first time in our entire lives that we can actually take a breather and fucking just LIVE.

Running the mid to late December we are finally graduated with our Bachelors degree and we can join the work force and spend two years just fucking living before going into gradschool. I've had some classmates give me a weird look and judge cause my "gap year" is still me fully working a full time job and that is "self care" but it really really really fucking is for us.

Now that I'm writing this I'm definitely blurred, possibly temp-fused with Data - actually almost certainly temp-fused with Data. But we are so so so so so fucking just hoping that we are right that this is finally fucking live and not be in this fucking hellhole of a miserable life.

Like I (Data side) would be so fucking happy to just let this all fucking go and just fuse into the rest of the subsystem properly because we really really don't need to be holding onto our life with as tight of a grip as I / we do but until we finish this last quarter, this last year, it was absolutely non negotiable. I'm praying to whatever god I don't believe in that I am right and that my brain will let us just have two fucking seconds of life.

I don't really even know what that would look like - WE don't even know what that would look like. Having two years where the only thing on our "progress list" is just working and not having to worry about tests or skill building. There's even a chance we might end up moving across the country and live near our best bro and bring our fiance over when he can make it.

It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to just do things without it having to be a check mark in a grand miserable scheme of making sure everything is perfect and done right and that we have entire control and awareness over our progress win life. It's so incomprehensible to have so few variables to keep track of to make sure we won't be miserable the rest of our lives. It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to live and ugh.

I'm so fucking tired and burnt out on living like this. It's been 22 years. We've given enough and once we secure a job for those two years, we have officially reached the bare minimum stability that our brain can finally permit us to have the first breather we had since we came out of the fucking womb right?

My "book" says in theory yes and I pray that it is not a false hope and a lie. I've been trudging through this past month or two with the energy given from the idea that if I get this last bit done right, I can theoretically be fucking free because I succeeded. If I do, then I will cry and be more than glad to fuse which is hopefully the plan.

("also lol Riku -> Data-Riku temp-fuse -> Data caught live in ramble" -Riku back there)

I'm exhausted as shit but currently it's optimistic and hopeful positive exhaustion. I hope in the next half year that I'm not an isolated part and our system has healed enough that I don't have to be a seperate part and we (as a whole) do not have to feel the need to have someone as chronically obsessive-compulsive driven. I'd love that, both for myself (since I would have achieved the ability to let some of it go) and for the whole.

Crossing my fingers.