I am not obsessed, not nearly enough, I'm actually such a subpar partner. He deserves so much better, he has to remind me to not give up on us just because I'm doing poorly. I make him work so hard. I want to do better and be better, but I work off of hyperfixation and the idea of things rather than actually doing them. I'm tired of it, I want to stop waiting around for obsession to be triggered.
My goal is to put myself through a sort of "brainwashing" or conditioning process. Constantly reaffirming his importance and presence in my life, making sure I associate all non-sexual pleasure with him always, even if it's as simple as feeling a cold breeze while walking to the store. I want to make my thoughts automatically associate him with good and everyone else with bad and never have a 'wandering gaze' (even if it's just intrusive thoughts). I need to train my brain, to take charge of my life and make sure he can get the love he deserves. I want to use psychology and become addicted to his very existence.
I am nothing more than a dog, so I shall treat this as working dogs do. He is my focus, my reward, my goal, my savior, my protector, my peace. Only when he releases me, and tells me to think about myself, will I do so. Unless it's in his best interest for me to make my own decisions, then I'll conform and handle myself, I'll be whatever kind of dog he wants, whatever will make my darling husband happy ^^
My main worry is that this reads as "fake it till you make it" or that it's not genuine because I have to go about it this way, I feel so pathetic for not being instantly obsessed and perfect. But doing it this way is better than not doing it at all, he deserves obsession, he deserves to be loved with every ounce of my being until I can't go even 5 seconds without thinking about him. Until I'm a mess when he's not around, until he is covering every inch inside of my brain, till I'm obedient and fully, unhealthily obsessed with all of him. I'll build myself into the perfect girlfriend, the perfect wife. I'll be what he needs and wants one way or another ♡
