#teafuri

Japanese artists / art.

Quotes from Japanese Philosophers.

Manga Scans. ( I've edited myself , but do not own original image. )

Let's start. I don't really find this as a shameful time , nor do I see it as a time for me to be proud of myself. It's just me , telling my love/relationship stories.

My first ever relationship , #1 , was complicated. People normally don't really consider middle school things to be much of anything , but to me , it still meant something and I ended up losing connection with them. He was Chinese. A guy in my 6th grade class , we both liked each other for a year. We texted and emailed and sent notes to each others' lockers. He was too shy to approach me around people , so talking to me alone felt more comfortable , for both of us. On my birthday , I think I was turning 12 , he gave me a letter. I still remember one part of it and it had something attached to it ; a keychain. The keychain had a soccer ball on it and was kind of beat up and dirty. I read the part I still remember now : " This means a lot to me. It was and is my first soccer keychain when I won my first game with my team. Please keep it. Happy Birthday. " We never went out , but we had that long liking for each other. Now , we don't talk and we've moved on our separate ways. 

My second relationship was with someone one year older than me , #2 , and it lasted for 3 days specifically. He was a skaterboi. He did BMX biking. I looked up to him and thought he was cool. He was popular with the girls , too. He was Japanese. He taught me how to skateboard a couple times and I got used to it. I literally ended up buying my own and then it broke because of my mom not wanting me to do it anymore. He was shy and didn't talk much around people , but he talked a lot with me. He kept telling me I was cute , over and over. I always punched him , but I was always so scared of holding hands , so we never did. He liked me a lot. I started growing that liking feeling , too. When he asked me out , I felt happy , but it seemed to have felt like nothing really changed. Then , he had to move to Japan with his family. He broke up with me on the phone and we both cried. But afterwards , we were fine and we just decided to go back to normal again. 

My third relationship (#3) was one of my serious , yet traumatizing ones I've ever experienced. He was Caucasian. We've been friends for more than half a year and we talked every day. To that point , I started growing feelings for him , so I told him. He said he started growing feelings for me too and he was happy yet , sad for the reason that there's another girl he likes and is going to ask out instead of me. He told me that , straight up to my face. It hurt. He liked me . . . Yet , he liked another and was gonna ask that other person instead ? How cruel. I knew that girl he asked out. The day after , he talked to me and told me , " Kai... Please wait for me. This relationship with Natsuo won't last. I promise. I love you. I realize that now , please wait for me. " So I did. I was happy that he felt that way , but confused at the same time. Weird feeling. Anyway , Natsuo and his relationship lasted 3 months. They broke up and she wanted to be friends with me , which was weird but we ended up being close and she wanted to look out for me and kept warning me about him. February came in and we talked every day and chilled every day. I felt like he loved me which was a great feeling. Two days before Valentine's Day , I asked him when are we ever going to go out because we weren't and haven't gone out since the day we met. He told me to be patient and on Valentine's Day , he calls me and says , " I'm sorry, Kai. I was planning on asking you out today to be my girlfriend as a surprise... But something came up. I met this guy , Adrian and I ended up really liking him , but I love you , so please wait for me. It won't take long. Please. " I felt like shit. By the way , he was bisexual and leaned more to guys but I guess I was an exception , Lol. That relationship lasted for 5 months. I waited all through that. Not noticing a single man , but him. I was young and stupid ; wasted youth. I tried being friends with the Adrian guy but he ended up being a total B-word. This is where it gets complicated. When he finally realized he didn't want to be with Adrian anymore and wants to break up with him , Adrian knew and told him horrible news about himself. That he had cancer and he wasn't going to live very long. I watched him break and it broke me because he started considering keeping the relationship going with Adrian because of pity. I understood , but it still broke my heart. The day after we heard the news , Adrian talks to me and threatens me to leave him and #3 alone. Then he bursts out that he lied about having cancer. I was furious. I wanted to tell #3 so badly , which I did , but Adrian kept threatening to kill me if that were to happen. After that , #3 wasn't the same. He was a lot less outgoing and more uptight and distrustful. Later that year , he asked me out. Finally. I was happy. But out of nowhere , my best friend comes in the picture. Apparently , #3 and her have been talking for a while now and she started growing feelings for him , so she told him a couple days after we just started going out. She didn't care. She told him and it made him start considering how she felt and confused himself by whether he should go out with her instead of me. Behind my back , she started saying how much she hated me. How jealous she was about how him and I were close and going out. How much she wanted me out of the picture. I felt so betrayed and I was so sick and tired of waiting , so what if he made me wait again ? I told him how I felt , that I was jealous and upset , and he got so angry at me. That he was tired of me being jealous all the time , so I stopped. Then , he refused to talk to me anymore. He never broke up with me , he just stopped talking to me , but talked to HER instead. How cruel , again. My next relationship , #4 , connects to this in a way. 

He was Korean. He was sweet and friendly and at first , we thought of each other as brother and sister , but then our feelings for each other started growing. When he asked me out , our relationship was doing so well. Then he had to move. . . To Virginia. Apparently from what his sister told me , he's been playing around with other girls while he was there. He was in a quite prestigious family and it didn't seem like that would go up to his head. Then he moved again , to New Jersey , but this time he stayed there permanently. We tried keeping a long distance relationship , but all the reason to not trust him was what everything his sister had told me. We were still going out at the time and before he had moved , #3 came and started talking to me again. I didn't want to , yet I wanted to. He got angry I was going out with someone else. I guess it makes sense , since we never broke up. . . But he just left my life , for a year and comes waltzing back in like he could ? It wasn't fair. He kept asking me why I betrayed him , why I started going out with a ' loser ' and I defended #4 , so #3 left once more and never spoke to me again. Continuing with #4 , he cheated on me. c; So we broke up when he moved to New Jersey. We have each other on facebook , but I never spoke to him ever again. Not on facebook or anywhere. He broke my heart.

I'm going to do this not complaining for 30 days crap and see how it goes , cuz honestly , I'm tired of being pushed around by everyone around me. Who can't even consider a single emotion I can feel as a normal human being. Work. Family. Friends. The only person I thought would have a lot more faith in me than anyone else , doesn't believe in me the way I thought he did. I may complain a lot on tumblr , but it's better complaining here than complaining with him straight up and cause another issue to another and hurt him even more along with myself. Ranting it away helps me heal who I am , makes me finally realize , " oh wow. this is some hateful shit. I'm glad I marked these days and know now that I'm better. " along the way. It takes time to heal and I'm growing through it a lot faster than I thought I would , tbh. I thought I'd hate these 2 girls forever and maybe they'll prove to me that they're not actually going to hurt me , and I hope he doesn't either , in the future. 

Another Hiatus will be needed , again. 

Another night of no sleep.

Another night , thinking about how life began , why and who made words words. 

Another self improvement time where I can relax and just get away from all this shit I've been beaten into. Another shit I'm supposed to " mold " into. I want to be real. I want to be me. And I am me. But telling me I'm not improving for myself and for us , now that hurts a bit. I may complain , but did I start an argument with you ? Did I confront you ? No. Because , I thought that maybe , ranting it away from me , would help me evolve than complain and start anything negative with you and just make myself feel worse about making you feel worse and myself.

Goodnight , kids.