There arenāt enough words for how utterlyĀ messed up I am. I told myself I wouldnāt let this happen, but even now, in the worst case scenario, Iām stillĀ struggling to act. The most important deadline of the entire four years. The money. The base pride one ought to have as a human being. My body knows itās supposed to be panicking, and I think on some level that panic exists, but itās overwhelmed by all-consuming emptiness and as much as I hate panic attacks I desperately wish Iād had a full-blown one long ago to kick me into gear. I used to, back in middle school and high school, but now...? I continue to deteriorate.Ā
Why am I like this? Why am I like this?Ā What have I done?Ā What am I doing? I should be ashamed, should be horrified, should be physically manifesting those emotions, but thereās such a disconnect between my brain and body - executive dysfunction, sure, but surely not to this degree. Let a miracle happen for my motherās sake, not mine.Ā
Once I hitĀ āpostā, I must work. I must, I must, I must. For Godās sake, work.Ā Ā Ā
