There aren’t enough words for how utterly messed up I am. I told myself I wouldn’t let this happen, but even now, in the worst case scenario, I’m still struggling to act. The most important deadline of the entire four years. The money. The base pride one ought to have as a human being. My body knows it’s supposed to be panicking, and I think on some level that panic exists, but it’s overwhelmed by all-consuming emptiness and as much as I hate panic attacks I desperately wish I’d had a full-blown one long ago to kick me into gear. I used to, back in middle school and high school, but now...? I continue to deteriorate.Â
Why am I like this? Why am I like this? What have I done? What am I doing? I should be ashamed, should be horrified, should be physically manifesting those emotions, but there’s such a disconnect between my brain and body - executive dysfunction, sure, but surely not to this degree. Let a miracle happen for my mother’s sake, not mine.Â
Once I hit ‘post’, I must work. I must, I must, I must. For God’s sake, work.  Â
