#tals talks

“There- there has to be some kind of mistake,” Buck stammers, turning to look at Eddie with wide eyes, “they- they said there would be two beds, I-” They’re in Washington DC for a school field trip, having volunteered months ago to chaperone. 

(“Can I come?” Buck had asked when Eddie told him about it, eyes lighting up.

“You wanna come on an elementary school field trip across the country?”

“Is the school paying?”

“I mean, yeah-”

“Then free vacation is all I’m hearing!”)

Eddie’s sure it was more than that- that Buck hadn’t wanted to miss out on the family trip, that he was just too nervous to say it out loud. No matter how many times Eddie tries to reassure him, he’s not sure Buck will ever completely believe he has a place in their family.

But now they’ve arrived in their hotel room- rented by the school, mind you- and found there to be not two queen sized beds but one. And- it’s fine. It’ll be fine. Sure, maybe it’ll be… cramped. Buck is 6’2” and nearly 200 lbs, and Eddie’s not far behind him. A queen sized bed will definitely be a tight fit for both of them. 

Eddie licks his bottom lip, raising an eyebrow at the single bed and then at Buck. Buck’s got an awkward, nervous smile, brows raised and eyes practically begging Eddie to believe him. And well- maybe it’s a little mean, but Eddie can’t help but laugh. He reaches over a hand, squeezing Buck’s shoulder as he drops his duffel bag on the ground. 

“It’s fine, Buck,” he insists, chuckling. “Seriously, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” 

“I swear they said-”

Eddie shrugs, squeezing Buck’s shoulder tighter and taking a few more steps into the room. “It’s not a big deal. Mistakes happen. Plus, we’ve shared a bed before, right?” Eddie senses Buck tense beside him and flinches, regretting his words already. The only time they shared a bed was the night after Eddie’s breakdown. 

Buck 

After Eddie calmed down enough to try and sleep, Buck had insisted on taking the couch. Less than an hour later, Eddie’s nightmare-induced cries drew Buck to his room. They’d sat on his bed together, Buck holding Eddie as he thrashed and wiping away his tears, whispering soft words through Eddie’s sobs. It was a while before Buck’s grip loosened, before he started to shift. He was going to leave. 

Panic had raced through Eddie, sharp and electric at the thought of Buck leaving him. 

“Stay,” he had whispered, gripping Buck’s shirt and pressing his face further into the place where Buck’s shoulder met his neck. “Please.” 

Buck was hesitant, unsure, when he replied, “Are you sure?” Eddie could only nod. Buck didn’t say anything else, just pressed his lips to the top of Eddie’s head and held him tighter. But he stayed. It wasn’t something Eddie was used to- neither asking someone to stay, nor them actually staying even if he does.

“Yeah,” Buck says now, pulling Eddie out of his memory. “I mean- we have. But- but I can go talk to the front desk-”

“Eh,” Eddie shrugs again, “not worth the trouble. It’ll be fine. Right?” He tries not to sound too excited at the prospect of sharing a bed with Buck. And- okay, so maybe he’ll definitely regret this later. Maybe it’s not the best idea he’s ever had. But- listen, he’s starting to come to terms with his sexuality and yeah, he knows there’s no future with Buck, but… he’s human, alright? Sue him. The idea excites him- of having Buck, pressed up against him; of the searing heat he feels whenever their skin presses together, even through clothes; of Buck’s solid form a steadying presence beside him; of waking up with one large arm thrown over his waist and a nose pressed into his shoulder. Because- Buck’s a cuddler. Yeah. That’s a thing and Eddie knows about it. 

So maybe it took one panic-attack riddled night for Eddie to get completely addicted to falling asleep with his best friend- his straight best friend- wrapped around him, all lanky limbs and firm muscles. So what? It’s not like- he’s not going to do anything. It’s just… comforting. Safe. He sleeps better when Buck is there to catch him if he falls. 

“Yeah,” Buck murmurs, gaze drifting back to the bed. He swallows, then forces a smile, tight with nerves. “It’ll- it’ll be fine.” 

***

It’s not fine. Several hours later, after the first field trip excursion- a visit to the aquarium- according to their schedule, it’s ‘Lights Out’ hour. Which, apparently, is 9:30. And- Buck’s not really complaining. They had a shift before getting on the plane, so it’s been nearly two full days since he’s gotten a wink of sleep. So maybe it’s only, like, 6:30 (if he’s calculating the time zones correctly) for him, but he’s absolutely exhausted. Thus, the scheduled bed time actually works quite well for him, thank you very much.

That is- until he’s collapsed on the bed and sees through bleary eyes that Eddie, instead of joining him, is shuffling his feet at the foot of the bed, scratching at the back of his neck and turning bright red as Buck watches. 

“Would you just-” Buck sighs, flopping an arm to the other side of the bed and looking pointedly at Eddie. 

“I’m-” Eddie hesitates, biting his lip between his teeth. “I’m not sure this is the best idea. Maybe- maybe I should go ask the desk-”

“Okay, no,” Buck interrupts, propping himself up on one elbow. “I suggested that earlier and you said no, so how about you just get in the bed and we can deal with this tomorrow?”

“Buck, are you-”

“I swear to god, Diaz,” Buck threatens. 

“Okay,” Eddie chuckles, holding his hands up in surrender. “Okay. It’s just-” Buck flops back into the pillows and throws an arm over his eyes, groaning. He just. Wants. To sleep. “Are you sure you don’t wanna… put some more clothes on?” Buck feels his face heating up and doesn’t dare move his arm. He’s wearing shorts and absolutely nothing else. 

“I- I run hot,” he mumbles defensively, feeling his cheeks, neck, and probably chest flush pink. 

“Hey, if you’re fine with it, so am I,” Eddie replies nonchalantly. Buck frowns slightly, wondering what he means, and risks moving his arm away. Just in time to see Eddie strip off his own shirt, leaving him in grey sweatpants. Oh. 

“I-” Buck chokes on his words, his tongue suddenly feeling far too large for his mouth. He swallows, quickly looking away. “Yeah. Sounds, uh, sounds like a plan. Good plan. Yep.”

Eddie laughs and finally, finally comes around the side of the bed, pulling back the covers and slipping in beside Buck. Almost immediately, there’s not enough room. Eddie’s knee knocks into Buck’s thighs and Buck’s elbow is in Eddie’s ribs and Eddie’s hand hits Buck in the face and- and Buck snorts. He can’t help it. Quickly, they both dissolve into nearly-hysterical laughter, fueled by the sleep deprivation and truly ridiculous position they’ve gotten themselves into. 

Buck shifts, moving down the bed so his head fits right against Eddie’s shoulder and Eddie’s arm can go above him, one of Buck’s arms thrown over Eddie’s torso and their legs tangling together instinctively. And- they fit. It takes a couple seconds, but suddenly Buck doesn’t know where he ends or where Eddie begins. Eddie’s cool to the touch, but their every point of contact sends sparks skittering along Buck’s skin, his entire body practically thrumming. 

“Is this okay?” Buck asks softly, Eddie shivering as the words ghost across his skin. 

“Yeah,” Eddie murmurs, and the words vibrate through his chest. “Yeah, this is- this is good. Are you- is this okay for you?”

Buck just hums in response, his eyes already falling closed. Eddie’s chest rises and falls under Buck’s touch and he finds himself mirroring the movements, matching his breathing to Eddie’s. He moves his hand, fingertips searching for Eddie’s heartbeat, longing for the calming rhythm tapping under his fingers. 

He finds Eddie’s heart, but it’s far from calm. His heartbeat skitters and races under Buck’s fingertips, beating out a frantic rhythm that matches Buck’s own. 

“Eddie?”

“Hmm?” 

Buck cranes his head to look up at Eddie, studying the slope of his nose, the curves of his lips. “Why’s your heart racing?”

Eddie’s eyes open and he visibly swallows. “I- I don’t- um.” His heartbeat grows even faster and he stares directly at the ceiling. 

“Eddie?” Buck prompts gently, pressing his palm into the other man’s chest. 

“I’m sorry, Buck,” Eddie says finally. “I- I thought I could- I don’t mean to- Fuck, I’m sorry, I’ll just- I’ll sleep on the floor, okay?” He starts to move, to leave, and Buck’s hand darts out, away from his racing heart to cup the side of his face. He lifts himself slightly on his other elbow, turning Eddie’s head so their eyes meet.

“Eddie,” Buck says softly. He shifts so he can take Eddie’s hand in his own, most of his weight resting on Eddie’s chest, and presses Eddie’s palm against his own heart. Eddie’s eyes widen slightly, but his body relaxes. 

“Evan-”

“Can we- can we have the talk tomorrow?” Buck rushes out. Eddie frowns and Buck brushes his thumb over the corner of his mouth, smiling nervously. “I just- fuck I’m really tired so I sorta just wanna- kiss you and then like, pass out for the next ten hours. Can we- is that okay?” 

Eddie’s free hand, the one not over Buck’s heart, comes up to curl around the side of his neck, his thumb pressing under Buck’s jaw. Buck nearly sighs, melting into the touch. 

“Yeah,” Eddie whispers, rising up as he pulls Buck down. “Yeah, sounds like a plan.” And then he slots his mouth against Buck’s and his fingers press into the back of Buck’s neck and his other hand is searing over Buck’s heart and god, this is it. This is how Buck dies. Death by perfect first kiss. 

Eddie’s teeth nip at Buck’s lower lip, begging for entrance, and Eddie makes a low, victorious sound in the back of his throat when Buck goes willingly, shifting to cover more of Eddie’s body with his own, both hands now cradling Eddie’s jaw. 

Buck’s panting when Eddie pulls away, breaking the kiss, his eyes wide and voice rough as he says, “We should- we should probably go to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Buck murmurs, his fingertips brushing over Eddie’s skin as he smirks. “See- problem is, I’m really not great at listening to teachers.” And then he’s claiming Eddie’s lips as his own once more, swallowing any further protests. Though- Eddie’s not exactly complaining as his hands fly down to Buck’s hips, squeezing gently. He sighs as Buck’s mouth moves down to his neck, placing searing, open mouthed kisses along the column of his throat. 

maybe my soulmate died by iamnotshane

can you hear me? by munn

more fun to miss by daisy jones and the six (i’ve just been listening to the soundtrack on repeat for days)

jersey giant by elle king

worst of you by maisie peters

everyone’s saying that he’s not holding back his tears and it’s so personal to me so i’m gonna expand on it. characteristics of restraining tears are really clear most of the time: clenched jaw, lips pressed together, brow very furrowed.

eddie’s brow here is furrowed but it’s more in confusion/not understanding rather than determination to hold a piece of himself at bay. eddie is letting himself feel but he can’t entirely understand whatever it is that is making him upset (likely something about his father not being able to understand eddie)

it’s the kind of look you get when you realize that you’re arguing a losing battle. when you realize that the person you’re talking to is so blinded by their own beliefs and opinions that they will never be able to see your perspective.

eddie cant quite comprehend this. he cant understand how his own father will never be able to understand him or accept him. this is the kind of look you get when you come out to an unsupportive parental figure. one who doesn’t even try to understand.

ramon is definitely unhappy with eddie in this scene. hes making that part of eddie that craves approval feel like a failure. that’s what the tears are for. he is absolutely heartbroken because this person that’s supposed to love him unconditionally doesn’t. he’s hurt because he will never be able to be enough in his fathers eyes

eddie looks almost pitying too, like he feels sorry that his father is so set in his own ways that he would react this way to something his own son is saying (personally i believe it’s eddie coming out). eddie is simultaneously grieving for himself, pitying his father, and giving up on the idea that he will ever be enough in this persons eyes.

eddie knows there is no way to get through to his father. he knows that he can’t change who either of them are. there is no solution. he’s devastated, grieving, pitying, and accepting defeat all at once.

hi juju!!!

oh no suddenly i know Absolutely Nothing about myself uhhhhhh okay okay

1) i’m a really really friendly person but TERRIBLY at initiating friendships cause i’m also ridiculously awkward

2) the age difference between maddie and buck is the same as between my older brother and me (one of many similarities that terrify me between me and buck) (this one doesn’t terrify me it’s just cool)