#tali rambles

It's really not abandoned. I promise. I swear!

But, Tali, you say, you haven't updated since January!

I know. My bad.

But, Tali, you also say, you've written other things!

Yes. Not my bad, but just a reflection of where my brain has been.

I have shied away from writing a post like this because it feels unnecessarily dramatic, but then I think about how, sometimes, when I read a fic that hasn't been updated in quite a while, I go searching through the author's socials for any kind of note on whether or not they'll continue with the story.

So, to put it plainly, I will continue!

More importantly, I want to continue!

I then decided that there's absolutely no reason to keep any of you wonderful people in the dark about my plans and my thought process and where my brain is at the moment.

(If you don't care about my mental state, which is fair, then skip down to the section titled I WILL WRITE (TRUST ME))

Depression

Well, that's kind of where I've been. I think I've been hiding it super well (maybe) but I also don't think I really realized that I was super fucking depressed. I tend to only understand that I was depressed, once I start to feel better.

I have been very open about the fact that losing Skully has been extremely hard on me and also very difficult to deal with. How do you properly mourn someone who was your closest internet friend for three years? The person you spoke to almost every day?

You can't. It's an impossible situation. Coupled with the fact that society would probably say that I have no right to be as smothered in grief as I am. It's really hard to mourn someone who no one else in your life has met or even knew of, until she was gone.

Which leads me to the main issue--- everything in fandom, everything, reminds me of Skully. It makes it hard to write, it makes it hard to interact, it makes it hard to have fun or enjoy myself and it makes it super hard to make new friends.

I find it difficult enough to make new friends in real life. I'm shy and standoffish and have been told enough times that I can come across as rude or uninterested. I'm not, I'm usually just uncomfortable and don't know what to do with myself.

The fact that anyone even continues to speak to me after how many times I have just not answered messages or left someone on read is incredible to me and I'm extremely grateful.

I saw a tarot reader back in May when I was in Halifax with a friend, just for fun. I spent the entirety of my friend's reading worrying that I would have nothing in mine. Not even bad things, just nothing.

I ended up bawling my eyes out within a second of her pulling the first card. The Star card! Of all the cards!

The tarot reader looked me dead in the eyes and smiled, saying, Wow, someone is rooting for you up there.

And that was it. I lost it! I cried through the rest of my reading. Through the coming love interest (pleasepleaseplease) and the problems at work and everything else she said. All I could think about was that someone was rooting for me up there, giving me signs and courage. I know that someone is Skully.

It's so important that everyone finds their own way to deal with grief based on their own beliefs, but this reading helped me more than I thought it ever could. It made me come to terms with how much I was actually struggling and opened my eyes to the signs that I had been ignoring.

I recently saw My Chemical Romance on my own (who I had no plans to see) because there were so many signs that I needed to be there. The band held special meaning to Skully and I found it to be very emotional and cathartic. I felt closer to her.

I've been doing things that make me happy, ignoring any of my usual self-consciousness or worry, and filled my summer with friends and trips and lots and lots of reading. But not a lot of writing.

Writing has been a struggle for me this entire year. I sit down and feel like I have nothing to say, but I daydream like crazy. I close my eyes and can picture a scene as clear as day. I have dozens of random plot points and conversations in my notes app.

It's there. I have been able to feel it this whole time, I just haven't been able to get it out.

Which brings me to...

I WILL WRITE (TRUST ME)

That was a terrible play on an MCR song and I'm a little ashamed of myself.

But, I'm writing again! I try to sit down every day and write at least a small something. It doesn't have to be big, it doesn't have to be for one particular story, it just has to be something.

It's like flexing my writing muscles again. You know how they say you never forget how to ride a bike? While I'm not totally sure about that...I haven't forgotten how to write. It's still there.

Which leads us all the way back to Be My Baby. This story really is my baby. It's so personal and means so much to me, and everyone who reads it means something to me.

I have gotten some of the nicest comments and messages on this fic, over the last few years. People who have realized things about themselves, about what they're looking for, about what they want in a relationship, about learning something new.

And since it means so much to me, it would be such a disservice to just rush it and finish it. There is an outline that is a mixture of written scenes and ideas. I know how it's going to end. I know what I want to happen. So why can't I just do it?

I think I need to sink inside of it for a while. I need to familiarize myself with what I've already written. This is one of the bigger problems: I can't remember every little detail because it's taken me so long.

So, to start that process, I have started building a timeline. Should I have done this from the beginning? Probably, yeah, but I never anticipated it being as big as it is-- I mean this in terms of length and plot detail.

It was really just supposed to be some gentle kinky fun.

During this time, I may make some additional edits or changes to the chapters that I have already published. I'm rationalizing this, to myself, by saying that it's technically still a WIP. Once I have made any changes that I deem necessary (I'm honestly a little scared to go back and read some of my writing), then I will let everyone know and it would probably be a good time for a big reread.

After that, I will write the rest. I will get it out and get it to all of you and I will probably cry a lot because of how much this fic means to me, but I will get it done.

And finally...

Courage

Things that Skully has given me the courage to do:

Go to a concert by myself

Tell others what I actually want to do instead of just going along with what they want to do to keep the peace

Dip my toes back into fandom

Do things I once found scary (driving on the highway a lot!)

Things I'm still working on gaining the courage to do:

Writing an original book

So...yeah. That's me in a nutshell at the moment.

I miss you all.